Swirling Words and Reaching Hands

You reach for my hand;
My thoughts are far away.
Your smile is full of love;
Mine is distracted and forced.
Swirling words fill my head,
Words that will choke me
Upon leaving my mind.
I will stutter and slur
The heavy words
Already filling my mouth.
I imagine your reaction
While I somehow hold it together,
Trying to prepare myself
For the uncertain reaction
And the certain darkness
Lying ahead of us both.
You will argue
Or cry
Or stare stonily ahead.
Your eyes will darken with pain
Or brighten with welling tears
And I… I will be strong,
Because I refuse to feel guilty
For shedding the façade
And telling you the truth,
However impossible it may be.
And maybe,
Just maybe,
If I get the words out right,
You will realize
That you never loved
Me.
You will realize you were reaching
For something beyond your grasp,
Just as I was trying
To extend myself toward you,
So I could meet your fingertips
And your expectations.
You will pull your hand away
And someday reach again
For something more reachable,
Something close enough
That you don’t have to stretch.

I will remain on my shelf,
Waiting,
Waiting,
Until the day I feel a hand
Firmly, comfortably grasp my own.

I put my hand in my pocket
As words begin to part my lips.





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alanacarlene said...
Feb. 27, 2011 at 12:50 pm
...WOW this was so powerful i had chills through the whole thing. the ending uh still gives me chills "I put my hand in my pocket/As words begin to part my lips." beautiful. and you're right i'm curious....what happened is everything ok????
 
GangstaEyes This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Feb. 27, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Thanks! I'mma just put it all out there what happened. I wrote this like 2 or maybe 3 weeks ago because I felt like... things with me and Colton weren't working out because we lost the sense of fun in our relationship. We didn't see each other much and I was stressed out a lot of the time... Anyway I submitted it and later that day met him at Whataburger in the parking lot, planning to break up with him.... but he brought flowers :/ So I decided he really cared I should try to work things out... (more »)

 
alanacarlene replied...
Mar. 5, 2011 at 5:41 pm
Awww I'm sorry but I really like your "I gotta do what's best for me" positive attitude a lot. That attitude will get you far and will help you find the right guy. I hope he'll come around and that yall can still be friends!
 
GangstaEyes This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Mar. 5, 2011 at 6:22 pm
Well thank you :) I hope so... Do you think him reading this would help him or make things worse? Just a question....
 
alanacarlene replied...
Mar. 5, 2011 at 8:26 pm

hmmm i'm not sure just because i don't really know him that well. if he's very understanding - which it sounds like he is - then maybe it'd be ok. But i don't know how him reading this would make anything worse. I think you just need to talk to him, have a heart to heart conversation with him whenever you have the time.

Just think to yourself what's the worse than can happen if he reads this and then ask yourself is it worth the risk.

 
GangstaEyes This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Mar. 5, 2011 at 10:44 pm
That sounds like good advice. But we no longer talk like at all. He ALMOST smiled at me in the hall the other day. Or maybe it was someone behind me.... Its all going pretty miserably. I just wish he was more understanding, but hes hurt and its unfair of me to expect him to just accept it that easily :/ I dunno...
 
alanacarlene replied...
Mar. 6, 2011 at 9:45 pm
Yeah no i totally understand. I hurt Andrew a year and a month ago and he's still very bitter towards me even more so now than when I hurt him :/ I hate it and he doesn't realize how much it hurts me and I wish he did but he won't give me the time of day and I don't think he ever will and that's my fault....
 
GangstaEyes This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Mar. 7, 2011 at 8:58 am
:/ Thats not right. The past is the past and he needs to move on or at least make an effort to instead of being a jerk. I hate that hes treating you this way. Everyone messes up and deserves another chance....
 
alanacarlene replied...
Mar. 7, 2011 at 9:59 pm

Yeah but oh well I'm done feeling this way...how are things with yo?

 

 
GangstaEyes This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Mar. 8, 2011 at 3:48 pm
Things are good. Busy, but good (other than my math grade :/....) I'm pretty happy :D You? Things any better?
 
alanacarlene replied...
Mar. 8, 2011 at 10:12 pm
Yep! way better i'm talkin to this guy (well idk if you'd consider us talking b/c that's such an awkward stage that i don't understand lol) but yea i really like him a lot so i'm excited!
 
GangstaEyes This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Mar. 9, 2011 at 9:00 am
Haha yeah that is kinda a hard thing to put a name on... I'm so happy for you!!!!!!!! :) Thats great :DD
 
alanacarlene replied...
Mar. 9, 2011 at 10:31 pm
haha thanks :) I'm really happy but I'm trying so hard not to get my hopes up but it's really easy to get my hopes up haha Did you talk to Colton?
 
GangstaEyes This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Mar. 9, 2011 at 10:54 pm
Yeah, I know what you mean :P No. We SERIOUSLY have said less than 15 words to each other in the past 3 weeks. I'm not trippin about it tho. I'm enjoying myself and having fun. :P With this certain guy :D
 
alanacarlene replied...
Mar. 10, 2011 at 5:51 pm
Ohhh really! A knew guy would I know him?
 
GangstaEyes This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Mar. 10, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Yeah :) You know him. 

(P.S. Psssst! I have a new poem out called Crying for the Future. I accidentally published it as Anonymous. :P)

 
GangstaEyes This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Mar. 11, 2011 at 9:15 am
And another chapter of I Don't Understand is up too :P
 
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