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I sat by your bedside.
I was waiting.
Waiting for what though, I had no clue.
The sadness pulled and jerked at me.
The guilt pulled me down into oblivion.
The guilt and sadness lurched at my heart and soul and
I began to wonder why.
I knew the reason so clearly.
It was vivid that I couldn’t hide it.
I was weak and I knew it.
You were lying there and you twitched.
I awoke from my thoughts with the tears barely hanging on.
Your eyes slowly opened, but they were dark.
Your eyes flicked to and fro,
Searching.
Where am I?

You couldn’t talk, but I knew what you were trying to say.
You didn’t know me.
You were afraid… of me.
You had forgotten I even existed.
As you began to stir, I could see you were afraid.
My tears fell in hot pursuit as they rushed to the floor.
I was mixed with emotions.
Happy that you woke up.
Sad that all you would ever be is a shell and you will never know me.
Guilty because I couldn’t do anything sooner to stop the suffering.
Your eyes stop searching and found me, but they were a pit of darkness.
You shrank back trying to get away.

I felt horrible and sick that this could happen and guilt took over me.
My hand found your face as I gently caressed it.
I could feel you relax a little, but you were still afraid.
My insides were screaming with pain and agony because I couldn’t do anything else.
I couldn’t hug you.
I couldn’t hold you.
I couldn’t do anything.
You were so strong to wake from this nightmare,
But I am so weak to that I can’t even feel you anymore.
You’re cold like ice, and I shiver because of it.
I lie there and cry my heart out.
Hoping and praying you hear these cries.

I want to tell you so many things.
I want to read you the poems that I made for you.
I want to tell you about how your little girl has grown into a beautiful princess.
I just calm her by saying,
“Shhh… It’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you… I love you.”
I begin to play with your hair in hopes to calm you.
Your eyes start to shine a little.
I smile and you lay back slightly so I can play with your hair.
You still don’t speak.
You can’t.
I laugh at nothing and I look around at all the pictures of you and your girl and family.
I begin to wonder if you will ever return to what you were.
Then I realize…
You won’t.
This will always be a part of you.
You may recover, but you may never go back to what it was like.
I smile sadly.
You misunderstand.
Your eyes shine brightly and beautiful.
You think you made me smile.
You did, but it was sad.

Then I smile a genuine happy smile.
You try smiling back, but you can’t.
Your mouth won’t allow it.
I look outside and am surprised to see it dark.
I stayed the entire day…
The worker says kindly to me,
“It’s time to leave. Sorry.”
I nod curtly.
I didn’t want to leave.
I wanted to stay with you and hold you a little longer.
“All right.”
I said as once again my heart was screaming in agony.
I choked back my tears.
I made my way across the room.
Don’t…
I stop abruptly, and look back at you.
You stare at me.
Your eyes are once again dark.
I quickly walk back over to you.

I kiss you gently and whisper,
“I love you.”

I smile sadly and walk to the door.
I look back one more time and your eyes are following me.
I know you can’t see me, but you hear me.
I cry and finally walk through the door.

In that one instant, I realize you are strong to come out alive.

You are the brightest light…




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