Magazine, website & books written by teens since 1989

These Lines

Those lines, dawning the page
With such elegance, yet rebuke
For the milky white
upon which they are set
The crawl, tenebrous in their act
To asphyxiate meaning
Yet the curves and twirls
Form so much more in the
Suggestive mind
That one mere character
Could shape the very life
Of one's mere existence
Cascades of grey and silver
Wrought havoc across the blue
For the blue felt
And in this feeling the blue shunned
The silvers and grey
As if they were only
Shadows from past trifles
Of so long ago





Join the Discussion

This article has 4 comments. Post your own now!

tangem This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 1, 2011 at 6:27 pm
Whoa, this is really good! Have you been published by TeenInk yet?!
 
tangem This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Apr. 1, 2011 at 6:30 pm
Maybe one thing to look at is your wordchoice with the word "life." (At about the middle of the poem.) Since you already said "existence," "life" is not necessary. Instead you could try something more descriptive, maybe "form" or "trails?" Just suggestions-- I don't want to put words in your mouth. :)
 
tangem This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Apr. 1, 2011 at 6:33 pm
One last thing: the word "very" and "mere" (on the 11th and 12th lines) contradict each other. So I would suggest going with either one or the other. :) Hope that was helpful!
 
FlyleafFreak replied...
Apr. 2, 2011 at 8:27 pm
Wow, thanks so much. I mean, legit constructive crisitscm!?!?! Unheard of!! Lol, what I mean is thanks.
 
bRealTime banner ad on the left side
Site Feedback