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Summertime Self

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Unable to rid myself of this daunting feeling
It haunts with no voice, no true presence, motion or reason
Only leaving me to question
The source

When I go to look
I’m empty
Perhaps it’s the wind I feel whistling through that hole in me
Carrying myself like a bird in a storm
Flightless and floating
Above the rest

Instability and fear
A worse fate without a cause
What torments my mind daily
Will not stop until its anger, desire has been quenched

I’m helpless
Trapped in a cage, surrounded by lions
Without the knowledge of their hungry stare
They ask for things I do not have
And what’s worse, I still don’t know

I cannot even provide myself the things I need
Don’t know where to begin
Don’t know what went missing
Don’t know what I still care to have again
Anxious and distressed I cause my own panic
I look once more to the past for some clues
But the past only reminds me, of a different self
She is of no help

I can’t even connect with her again
I reach down to grab her hand but she won’t listen
She will never hear me calling from the future
To save her from a dark past
How can I make amends?
When I don’t understand her fault
A fault I have yet to own

Although I speak of it, in a story time manner
She is but a character, a ruse, a figment of my imagination
We will never understand fully and completely the characters of a novel
We can never take them on as ourselves
We cannot grasp the totality of their mind or motives
All we know is what they do
And the illustrators pictures, that do soon fade with time

The first time through the story, it’s a movie
Sounds and movement, colors and detail
The second time through it’s a scene selection
Only allowing the image of scene after scene
Soon it becomes a photograph, maybe one or two
And by the end of time it’s blurred and confused
You lose sight of that character and what exactly she is doing

Maybe I should have never lost myself so long ago
When everything was magical and warm
Maybe now that I return to that place
My old self has come to meet me
Perhaps that’s the unexplainable presence I feel

Suppose myself wants to be whole again
Confused, she is certainly not asking to relive it once more
But perhaps asking to be friends again
And let those sad feelings go




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