Waiting

March 16, 2010
I have waited all my life
For the person who will break through my carefully set façade,
The person who will offer an ear to all my deepest thoughts,
The person who wants to know me inside and out.
I have waited and yet I have not found
This person I am talking about.
May it be a lover or simply a dear friend,
I still have not found them anywhere.

I hope I do soon, very soon,
Because, you see, I do not have a lot of time left.
I am slipping.
I am drowning.
I’m like a stranger staring into the street window of a store
Filled with crowds of people holiday shopping.

I used to be one of them,
One of those normal people,
But something changed.

I did.

I began to notice how every conversation I had
Was always centered around the other person.
They would speak their thoughts and I would nod like a robot.
They would voice their worries, and I would sigh sadly.
And after we said good-bye, as I walked away,
I would notice how never once did they ask me how I was,
Never once did they ask me how my day had been,
Not once did they offer to listen to my voice and me.

I shook the feeling off like a light, autumn chill
Knowing I was being too sensitive and silly.
So I went on with the next day and the day after that
Only to be disappointed day in and out.

You people still worried about your own problems!
You still talked about your plans without offering an invitation.
You interrupted my words and rolled your eyes at my suggestions.

And when I was ridiculed for words spoken aloud,
When I was laughed at for my thoughts,
I decided to keep them to myself from now on.
For in my head, no one could tell me they were wrong.
No one could say they were meaningless.

I closed off the world
Bit by bit
Because everyday
Would be another disappointment to me.

I still smiled widely and stared like fawn while I listened to you speak,
But inside I was begging for you to notice; I wanted you to care.

And be honest, did you realize how my laugh seemed a bit forced?
Did you notice how my eyes would sometimes stare into space?
Did you see the way my smile would blossom a few minutes late?
And if you did, why did you not stop and ask me what was wrong?
Why did you not stop and hear me out?
Do I not resemble a human being? Do I not seem like someone just like you?
What is it about me that makes you think you can treat me so?

I have feelings and thoughts and desires too.
In fact, every time you ignore me, I wonder if I’m not important enough to be heard.
Every time you exclude me from your plans, I look in the mirror and wonder what about me seems so unpleasing.
Then there are times when I think I’ve met the person, who will stop the waves from crashing down on me, who will show me the sunlight even behind a dark stormy cloud.

But each time my hope and faith crumbles a bit more.
Each time my heart takes another stab
And I am left with the bitter taste of loneliness.

It dances around inside and outside and everywhere.
It seems as though I cannot escape the doom of being alone.
The loneliness washes my dreams away.
And envelops me in an air of heavy silence even when there are crowds of people around.

But I will keep hoping for the day when someone will break through
This wall that separates me from the rest.
I will wait for the person, who wonders if I’m well,
The person who walks up to me first and offers an ear for my deepest thoughts.

Let me just say, while words are flowing out,
That person is not you.
You lost your opportunity.
You disappointed me.
My faith in you is gone and I wonder, do you even care?





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