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I knew you'd trip
I saw you fall

And yet I did nothing
nothing at all

I foresaw your mistake
I heard your cries

Yet I didn't help you
just closed my eyes

But when I noticed the danger
saw their anger
race

I told you to run
and took your place.




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This article has 9 comments. Post your own!

AsIAm This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 23, 2010 at 8:50 am:

The good: This has a really powerful message, and I really liked it!  Good job!

The bad:  I think "race" should be on the same line as "saw their anger".

The random: Nice picture choice!

 
MayaElyashiv This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Sept. 23, 2010 at 9:46 am :

The problem with the "anger" line is that the tempo gets slower...its hard to show that in the writing so I slid it down. 

Haha thanks, I try to choose pictures that match. I had some amazing luck with this one. 

 
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Eilatan This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jul. 9, 2010 at 3:30 pm:
This is really powerful. I love the ending, where the note of protection enters the piece. the format is good too. the rhyme between 'fall' and 'all' isn't the strongest, but the overall message is really important. this is great.
 
MayaElyashiv This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jul. 9, 2010 at 3:35 pm :
Thank you!
 
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banangela29 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jul. 2, 2010 at 9:27 am:

Wow! I'm impressed. The only problem I had was wih the fifth stanza, it threw me off because it has three lines instead of two. I'm not sure if that was on purpose.

 

great job. keep writing :)

 
MayaElyashiv This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jul. 2, 2010 at 9:49 am :

Yeah, it's on purpose, but I think this is one of the poems that works better when I read it aloud...it's supposed to be read something like this:

 

But when I noticed the danger (pause)

saw their anger (half pause)

race

 

So the "race" takes up the second half of the pause, and there is less of a pause between the end of the stanza and the beginning of the next one. 

 
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Laughternchoclate said...
Mar. 2, 2010 at 6:55 pm:
Sounds like you got a rough time. I have a younger brother too, and there are times when we get along great, and times when... not so much.
 
AprilBlue replied...
Apr. 26, 2010 at 3:38 pm :

Wow, I clicked on you only to realize that I've commented on this before! I still really like it :) 

Great job 

 
MayaElyashiv This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jun. 3, 2010 at 12:28 pm :

Thanks! Sorry for replying so late, I wasn't notified by TeenInk that someone had commented...

 

I'm really glad you like it! And yeah, siblings can be...tough to keep the peace with. 

 
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