My Simple Love Story | Teen Ink

My Simple Love Story

February 8, 2010
By Anonymous

I haven’t been able to write for a while,
but today I ran in the freezing rain
without getting cold.

I sat beside you,
and…
for the first time in a long while
I didn’t feel so broken.

I saw the boy with the dark hair
and the sad eyes,
but I forgot to call him
beautiful.

I trace the lines of yesterday
admiring what used to be…


The author's comments:
hahah oh the personal-ness!

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This article has 5 comments.


on Feb. 21 2010 at 11:30 am
scotchtapedreams, Teaneck, New Jersey
0 articles 0 photos 11 comments
You have some really great lines here, but I think you should work to make it more of a cohesive unit. What I like about a poem is when it describes one image that symbolizes something. (Just a personal preference, of course.) I would love to see a full-fledged poem dedicated entirely to the idea of running into the rain and not getting cold. Describing the emotions the speaker feels watching the icy rain, feeling torn -- and then running into the rain, and she doesn't feel the cold. Something like that.

Likewise with "but I forgot to call him beautiful." Maybe an entire poem forming this boy for the reader -- his beauty, his smile, his fingers, his skin. A poem that starts "I saw the boy with the dark hair / and the sad eyes" (I'm quite attached to that line) and give us more about him -- and then end off "but I forgot to call him / beautiful."

You have plenty of excellent lines for various poems. I feel like you should do them justice and give them the full poems they each deserve.

on Feb. 20 2010 at 4:02 pm
Shelly.B DIAMOND, Lawrenceville, Georgia
55 articles 0 photos 15 comments

Favorite Quote:
Be happy, the sky is still blue....kinda'

Thanks for the ratings and the comments, this one really was never supposed to be a poem, I actually had major writers block and just scribbled something down lol.

on Feb. 18 2010 at 2:46 pm
falling-rain GOLD, Layton, Utah
10 articles 0 photos 71 comments

Favorite Quote:
Getr done!
larry the cable guy

it caught me at the begging and made me keep reading, i like this and would like to read more. (maybe check out some of my stuff???) keep writing!

on Feb. 17 2010 at 5:55 pm
currer-belle GOLD, Cincinnati, Ohio
16 articles 0 photos 3 comments
I totally love this...it strikes a note with me without being intrusive...

it's like looking at a three-leaf clover and knowing that it once had four leaves :)

HPGGMRAR GOLD said...
on Feb. 16 2010 at 7:28 pm
HPGGMRAR GOLD, Kennesaw, Georgia
14 articles 6 photos 91 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I musn't forget I'm alive."
Ray Bradbury (Dandelion Wine)

This made me smile!