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!I CAN'T BELIEVE I WANTED TO DIE!

By , PARIS, TX
I WAS 4 WHEN I WAS ADOPTED SO I KNEW I WAS OUTTA PLACE.
SWITCHED UP ON THE GAME YOU CAN DESCRIBE MY MOTHERS LIES BY LOOKING AT MY FACE.
YOU COULD TELL IT WAS REMEMBERED NOTHING YOU COULD ERASE.
I SEE, I SMELL, I HEAR, I FEEL, I TOUCH, I TASTE.
ALL OF THESE SENSES I WANTED THEM TO GO TO WASTE......
SEE, GROWING UP I WANTED TO DIE.JUST SO I CAN ASK GOD WHY?WHY?WHY ME LORD?
WHAT DID I DO?
AM I REALLY GOING TO BE FORCED TO GO THROUGH AGONY BECAUSE OF MY MOTHER'S SINS?
WILL I EVER WIN?
I REMEMBER LOOKING IN THE MIRROR WHEN I CRIED.
JUST STARING. GLARING. WONDERING. PONDERING. STILL BREATHING...
SEE I DONT THINK YA'LL UNDERSTAND I WANTED TO DIE.
14 I LOST MY VIRGINITY. 15 MY 1ST PREGNANCY. 16 MY BABY.
SEE IM GONE KEEP IT REAL WITH YOU DAILY.
I DONT SEE WHY THESE PROBLEMS ARE FADING ME.
MY MIND IS RACING BUT IT NEVER STOPPED AT THE END.
I NEVER FOUND OUT IF I COULD WIN.
I AM A CHRISTIAN. I AM. I MEAN I THINK SO.
AM I STILL? BECAUSE I FELT LIKE GOD WAS FAILING ME, LYING TO ME, TRYING ME.
I ALWAYS ASKED GOD WHY...
SEE I WANTED TO DIE.
THE BIBLE SAYS WE WEEP WHEN A CHILD IS BORN AND REJOICE WHEN SOMEONE DIES.
BECAUSE THEY WILL FOREVER LIVE.
DID ANY BODY WEEP FOR ME?
YOU SEE, MY SISTER WAS KILLED AT 3..MONTHS
WHY SHOULD I BE HAPPY.
IT WASN'T ME.
SEE AS A RESULT TO ALL THESE THINGS I'VE GROWN TO THINK SELFISHLY.
MAYBE IT WAS BECAUSE I HAD 2 BROTHERS AND WE WERE SEPERATED WHEN I WAS 3.
NOBODY TO CARE FOR ME. NOBODY WAS THERE FOR ME.
I IDOLIZED THE MIRROR. I LOOKED AT IT EVERYDAY. TRIED TO BE THAT REFLECTION IN EVERYWAY.
I JUST LOOKED AND WISHED I WASN'T ALIVE...
MAN, I WANTED TO DIE.
I LAID IN MY BED AT TIMES, THINKING MAYBE MY GOD WOULD TAKE ME HOME WITH HIM TODAY.TAKE MY SINS AWAY, TAKE AWAY MY RAGE, MY PAIN.
THINKING THERE "WAS" A BRIGHTER DAY.
15 IN THE STREETS CHASING THAT DREAM OF FINDING LOVE. FOUND IT IN SEX MONEY AND DRUGS.
OUT THERE WITH STRANGERS THINKING THAT WAS FUN.
UNAWARE THAT MY ACTIONS WERE DUMB.
AFTER A WHILE THEM TEARS I ONCE SHED, DRIED.
AND I FOUND OUT THIS FAMILY THING WAS A LIE.
SEE THIS TYPE OF BEHAVIOR...MADE ME WANT TO DIE. SLIT MY WRIST AND WATCH MY SOUL CRY. WATCH THE DEMONS FLY FRY AND UNTIE ME FROM DISGUST, CATCH A BUS TO A FARAWAY PLACE.
WHERE MY LIFE IS NO LONGER A DISGRACE A MIS-PLACEMENT FOR ME.
THIS WASN'T MEANT FOR ME.
I WAS TOLD TO KEEP YOUR PROBLEMS AT HOME. SO IM LEAVING THEM THERE WITH THE ALARM ON. AND THEY CAN KEEP THE DOORKEY.
I WILL NEVER RETURN TO THAT LOCATION, SICK OF LIVING IN A DISPLACEMENT SITUATION.I WISH I COULD BE AN ERASEMENT...
BECAUSE I WANTED TO DIE.
I REMEMBER WATCHING SOMEONE DIE, MY MOM CRY, IT WAS MY DAD.
I SEEN HIM SUFFER AND WATCHED GOD TAKE ALL THAT HE HAD.
CANCER CIRCULATING THROUGH HIS BODY LIKE IT WASNT BAD.
HE FOUGHT UNTIL APRIL 8, 2008 AND I WAS GLAD.
I GUESS IT WAS HIS TIME..BUT WHY NOT ME I WANTED TO DIE.
MET MY BIOLOGICAL MOM LABOR DAY 07 THOUGHT MY LIFE COULDNT GET ANY BETTER.
I WOULD NEVER EVER ABANDON MY CHILD, LEAVE HER WITHOUT A SMILE. THATS JUST FOUL. THAT AINT MY STYLE.
IF I WERE MY MOM I WOULD'VE COMMITED SUICIDE...
BECAUSE OF HER I WANTED TO DIE.
BUT NOW WITH MY DAUGHTER I DINT HAVE THAT TIME
I COULDNT ABANDON HER LIKE MY MOTHER DID ME.
THAT WOULD'VE CUT ME TOO DEEP.
THAT MOUNTAIN TO CLIMB, WOULD BE TOO STEEP.
WHAT m I THINKING SHE NEEDS ME.
MY BIG GIRL SYLEBRITYEE GOR'J'OUZ CALDWELL-GRIGSBY.
NOW IM THINKING MY THOUGHTS WERE A LIE.
MAYBE I DIDNT NEED TO DIE.
WITH HER GOD TURNED MY PENNIES INTO DIMES.
MADE IT EASIER TO MAKE DOLLAR SIGNS.
I GOT SO MUCH HELP AND THINGS FROM GRANNY, AUNT ANNIE, CHAUMARYANNE, KEITH AND CHAIRESSEE.
I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND AT FIRST.
BUT I AM AWARE OF MY POTENTIAL I KNOW I HAVE WORTH.
I STAYED ON TRACK. I LOVE GOING TO CHURCH.
I LEARNED THAT LISTENING TO NEGATIVETY ONLY MAKES A SITUATION WORSE.
MY MIND IS SO INTELLIGENT MY STYLE IS SO DIVERSE.
I MAY BE YOUNG BUT I'LL BREAK MY FAMILIES CURSE.
SO I PLAN FOR A BRIGHTER DAY.
TRY TO KEEP THE DEVIL AWAY, STAY IN THE SAFE LANE, AND IF I ASK FOR WATER I SHALL RECEIVE MY REIGN.
SO GLAD IM NOT DEAD.
WHERE WOULD THE WORLD BE WITHOUT ME? WHO WOULD TALK ABOUT ME?
IM A HOUSEHOLD NAME, WHO SWITCHED UP ON THE GAME, AND YOU CAN DESCRIBE MY DAUGHTERS LIFE BY LOOKING AT MY FACE.
NOT A THING IN MY PAST I WOULD ATTEMPT TO ERASE. THAT IS THE REASON IM STILL HERE TODAY...
IM NOT DEAD AND I DONT WANT TO DIE.
IM GOING TO LIVE MY LIFE.
COULDNT BE HAPPIER I WAS ALIVE.
!MAN I CAN'T BELIEVE I WANTED TO DIE!





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