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sanity vs. love

I look out the frosted window, my thoughts straying; all I see is my lonely reflection, imagining you here with me, next to me, holding me. When feelings run this deep within us the line between insanity and love grows thinner and thinner.


I walk and stumble, than fall on the soft, cold ground, where are you to help me up? I brush myself off, and look at the desolate surroundings. I touch my numb, frozen lips with my fingertips, were you only a dream? An angel of despair and grief!? Causing never ending bitterness and torment. Did my words of truth and love scare you off like a child? Did your love for me not grow, while mine for you soared? Did I do something wrong? A spark of hope lights anew at the thought of changing myself and the person that I am to achieve your happiness, but that flame quickly dies. And at lonely times like these I feel so dependent on everyone else, greedily taking the life and happiness from them to keep me going, yet I always am leaning on Jesus, to fill the emptiness I feel. I look at my breath in the coldness, and chills go through my bones, a kind of chill that pierces the very soul, and because of my blindness, I fail to see how grossly out of balance things have become. In that moment I feel floods of anger wash through me as I realized how I would willingly give my life, my love, my future, my everything to you, whether you ask for it or not, as if I had no self-control of my fate or future. In self-pity I wonder softly what have you done to me? My heart is heavy and weighted down.

While I toss and turn at night thinking of how I miss you, only in my doom to wonder do you think of me? Do you even act like the pain of turning away is easily equaled to being killed an excruciating death a thousand times over? Did leaving do any good? “let go” I repeat over and over softly to myself knowingly, that letting the clutch go on my pain will never happen. But my eyes keep vainly watching the abandoned door as it remains shut-forever. But finally when I have let all the tears shed, I sleepily drift away in my own nightmares and misery. My depressed mind is awakened to the sound of creaking; my heart is now skipping beats, rather than to its usual random drumming. I close my eyes at my foolish deliriousness’, how could I believe that the one I would die for returned to me?! And finally when my head stops throbbing, and I ultimately give up, you come again and wrap your warm arms around me and slowly start warming up my cold memories, you’re here, my heart wants to explode with excitement. I cling to you like the frosty air, making sure you can’t and won’t fade. Heat illuminates my world and for the first time in a long time I smile, because the sun is shining through the grey clouds. But my lips feel tight; smiling is something I have done without for a while.
Its funny, how quickly I take you back, no words of apology need to escape your lips, because I have learned the hard way and now understand; I can’t live without you. Naturally, being insane is just another symptom of love.



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