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im [Not] different then all the rest
[I used to cry before I fell asleep.]
I sat up on my bed with the laptop open
And covers pushed all the way to the end of the bed.
The cold air stung my skin;
The thin armor of my flesh was useless against the
And I sat shivering on the mattress for hours
I wrote away every hope that had
Vanished from my view, from the desperate reach
Of my fingertips.
I laid down every cruel memory, laid them on
An imagined dartboard so I could toss darts
One by one
At the pain displayed before me.
(I wanted to rip each memory into tiny pieces,
Pieces so small that it was possible they didn't exist at all.)
(((((((((((((((((((I lost so much, and gained so little.
I lost my open heart,
The easy smiles and laughs,
The calm and reason in my head.
I forgot the love for my family.
I lost respect for all things beautiful in the world.
I gained panic, anxiety that kept my head in a
I accquired a view of life that made everything around me just
That much bleaker.
The hurt laid inside my chest when I wrote what I felt;
Next to my heart and in between my lungs.
It felt so foreign and frozen, heavy and tense.
It dragged me down, so I
Crawled from day to day
I gasped for air.
I collapsed and fainted instead.
[And then I dreamed.
I was running, running as far away as possible, for
Everybody I loved had died and left me
Stranded alone. I let the pounding of my feet
Set the rhythm.]
Earth's crisp atmosphere and twinkling night sky
Always brought me back from the
C o m a .
(Breathing in deep drinks of snow and
Every morning after spilling my soul onto the
I would find myself on the side of the road
Miles from my home, cold and starving.
How I arrived there, was a mystery, but I
Accepted that maybe that insanity was