Mrs. Elayne Across the Street

October 2, 2009
By Fayrouz SILVER, Fargo, North Dakota
Fayrouz SILVER, Fargo, North Dakota
9 articles 12 photos 364 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Only dead fish swim with the stream"

There’s an old lady who lives across the street,
She sits on her porch and sips hot tea,
Not too bitter, nor too sweet,
Made by her maid before she leaves,
Since this old lady cannot see.
Her name is Elayne Montgomery,
And they say she cried herself blind.
She cried, cried, cried
Until her eyes dried.
They say she used to be beautiful,
She used to have gold hair that shimmered
As if someone dipped it in sunshine,
She had eyes as blue as the sea,
But with those eyes,
She can no longer see.
Now Elayne has a puff of cotton on her head for hair,
A fuzz mustache, droopy earlobes, and skin that’s pale,
Skeleton fingers, lost yearning eyes,
And eyebrows traced in crookedly.
Elayne used to be Miss Mississippi 1966,
But then she had a car accident,
And her beauty was wrecked.
She’s now between the ages of seventy and death,
As she’s taking her last breaths,
She wishes she were more clever,
‘Cause beauty like that doesn’t last forever.
And so Elayne across the street,
Cries because she feels she’s been robbed,
By herself.
She feels she was murdered
By herself.
She feels she’s been corrupted
By herself.
She wants to travel beyond her porch,
But Elayne can’t move.
She wants to see beauty,
Other than hers that she used to know.
She cries because she did nothing with life,
And will go to her grave,
Without doing what she most craves,
And Elayne,
Who spent her life walking runways,
Who did not do much more,
Who cried herself blind,
Cried, cried, cried,
Until she died,
On her porch across the street,
While sipping her hot tea.

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This article has 8 comments.

on Feb. 13 2010 at 3:29 pm
the_Horsegirl SILVER, Minneapolis, Minnesota
8 articles 0 photos 119 comments

Favorite Quote:
People need dreams, there's as much nourishment in 'em as food.
--Dorothy Gilman

If there is such a thing as truth, it is as intricate and hidden as a crown of feathers.
--Isaac Bashevis Singer

Wow. Touching.

on Feb. 5 2010 at 9:28 pm
goddess_of_the_moon_123 SILVER, Beaverdam, Virginia
5 articles 0 photos 71 comments

Favorite Quote:
'To unpath'd waters, undream'd shores' ~ William Shakespeare, A Winter's Tale

I really liked your theme and your use of imagery was great! My only suggestion would be, as someone said earlier, to follow up on your rhyme scheme. Great work!

Also, I would love to hear your comments on any of my other stuff! Thanks!

on Jan. 25 2010 at 5:56 pm
...PensiveGurl... PLATINUM, Aurora, Colorado
20 articles 0 photos 268 comments

Favorite Quote:
You get ideas from daydreaming. You get ideas from being bored. You get ideas all the time. The only difference between writers and other people is we notice when we're doing it- Neil Gaiman.
Who are you to be who you are?-Le'Na Pernell

I really like this poem. It's beautiful. 0.0

on Jan. 9 2010 at 9:39 pm
This piece showed real depth and writing maturity in the sense that the narrator didn't attempt to sugar-coat Mrs. Elayne's situation or say things were better than they were; facts were stated as facts and it was really moving as a result. The reader could both sympathize with Mrs. Elayne and think of people in the reader's own life to comapre Mrs. Elayne to-- with me, I thought of my great-uncle, who isn't blind but was once an airplane pilot and now can barely move. Anyway, that's a different story. This poem was really great. My favorite line was "skeleton fingers, lost yearning eyes"-- the word 'skeleton' foreshadowed and reminded the reader that the character was essentially coming close to death. I'm not sure if that was your intention or not but it worked :) My only suggestion is the phrasing of the line "Elayne used to be Miss Mississippi 1966"-- the 'used to be' part could be traded in for the more logical 'was', as the date already tells us that it was in the past. Other than that, I really enjoyed reading this. Keep up the great work, and thank you for all of your comments on mine :)


on Jan. 8 2010 at 8:17 pm
Aleketana SILVER, Blue Island, Illinois
5 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Climb high, climb far; your goal the sky, your aim the star."

A very down to Earth poem. You are skilled with the way you can convey deeper humanistic themes through simple syntax and phrasing.

My only suggestion would be to closely observe your rhyme scheme-- generally when something is established, it is best to follow it through. I was looking forward to a continuing rhythm, but your rhyme scheme waxed and waned, taking its effectiveness like a blooming and dying moon.

Some parts were stronger than others, but overall I appreciated the meaning and way it was constructed.

Thank you.

Taymour BRONZE said...
on Dec. 29 2009 at 2:08 pm
Taymour BRONZE, Cairo, Other
4 articles 0 photos 10 comments
I like it alotttttttt

on Nov. 10 2009 at 6:40 pm
ultrabookworm BRONZE, Equestria, Kentucky
2 articles 0 photos 69 comments
I liked this one, too. You're right, beauty really is ephemeral. Though it's kind of sad. But a good sad, really, because it sends your message very well.

on Oct. 25 2009 at 8:21 pm
Sara-Zee PLATINUM, Tigard, Oregon
30 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
“We’re not playing pokemon here, you don’t have to flip out okay?”

-Jack Barakat from All Time Low

This was good! I like the Between seventy and death part.

Try picking a line that means something to you, then let your pen do the talking. After that one line, don't even think about it. Just feel it. : ) I never really think about my poems. Later, S-Z.


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