Corax

March 30, 2017
By Patrick82432 PLATINUM, Cheektowaga, New York
Patrick82432 PLATINUM, Cheektowaga, New York
49 articles 0 photos 65 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Where voice had failed
my pen prevailed
and like the winds, became a gale"

~Me


The avian cloaked with a deep, black shade
of darkness, which was sure to spark fright,
had unexpectedly made the decision of flight
on a somber, quiet, and uninhabited night.

 

The sight of the light through the tree branches made
the bird spread its wings with intention so bright,
as well as willpower unknown, much stronger than might,
on a somber, quiet, and uninhabited night.

 

Overcome with mysterious urge that had swayed
the estranged bird to take off into the sky not alight
without a shred of illumination except dim lit moonlight
on a somber, quiet, and uninhabited night.

 

On its mind, the unknown destination had weighed
but the bird kept its path without a question so slight,
and had been endowed with such great delight
on a somber, quiet, and uninhabited night.

 

Over thick-wooded forest and green, barren glade
the demand of subconscious had been quite forthright
while the bird set forth on its airborne plight
on a somber, quiet, and uninhabited night.

 

A seeming game, the bird's brain played
as the journey was not based solely on sight,
but unrivaled, strong urges that felt just right
on a somber, quiet, and uninhabited night.

 

It flew on and on without any foresight
to the destination that called so forcefully outright
for the bird and itself to at once unite
after the tireless journey that the light did incite.
It flew on and on through the dark sky despite
the fact that it had no idea what had caused the ignite
of the flames that fueled his persistent fight
to avoid hesitation and state of contrite
as the bird flew above and toward the moonlight,
barricading the view from all at midnight
in a manner that seemed so nonchalant and polite
as the moon's radiant glow became ever finite
until it disappeared from any and all's eyesight
and the bird's endless flight became a devout rite.
the moon, its fair maiden, and it, the knight,
the bird forever engages on its eternal flight
on a somber, quiet, and uninhabited night.



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This article has 4 comments.


on Apr. 12 2017 at 7:57 pm
Patrick82432 PLATINUM, Cheektowaga, New York
49 articles 0 photos 65 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Where voice had failed
my pen prevailed
and like the winds, became a gale"

~Me

Thank you very much for the feedback, I'll get to revising it once I have time to go through it! I appreciate it!

hwoodruff98 said...
on Apr. 11 2017 at 7:23 pm
hwoodruff98, Lititz, Pennsylvania
0 articles 0 photos 60 comments
I really liked this poem. It's nicely written, and your language is very rich and colorful. You also set a very definite mood, and I like the Latin title. That being said, I think the rhyme scheme is a bit of a constraint for you, because there were some forced rhymes and awkward wordings like "made the decision of flight" and "with intention so bright." That being said, you did manage to use different, more colorful words in your rhymes, which was good. Just some mechanical things: -On line 1, there should be a comma after "dark." That being said, you use the word "dark" twice in succession. Is there, perhaps, a synonym you could use so that it isn't redundant? Maybe "blackness" or "ebony" or "night?" -On line 5, it should be "has" -On line 7, there should be a comma after "quiet" (as this line is repeated, it goes for all the repetitions too) -On line 12, there should be a comma after "unknown" -On line 22, beware the passive voice in "to have been endowed." -On the first line in the fifth stanza, there should be a comma after "thick" or you could hyphenate it... Actually, I suggest the hyphen. -In third line of the sixth stanza, the word "that" is written twice -In the last stanza, I think there should be a comma after "moon" and also after "maiden" -There are also a few spots where there should be commas on line breaks, so you might want to reexamine those. All in all, a nicely written poem. Thanks for posting it, and keep writing!

on Apr. 4 2017 at 11:58 pm
Patrick82432 PLATINUM, Cheektowaga, New York
49 articles 0 photos 65 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Where voice had failed
my pen prevailed
and like the winds, became a gale"

~Me

Thank you! I definitely will, as should you!

on Apr. 4 2017 at 9:42 pm
manasisoman SILVER, Hillsborough, New Jersey
6 articles 0 photos 8 comments
This is really good. Keep up the great work!




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