Broken Wings

March 5, 2017

Do you remember when we leapt

From squeaky swings,

Caught the wind, and took flight

On dainty fairy wings?

Our wild peals of laughter lost

In the vast, blue sky

Do you remember when

We thought we could fly?

 

When our bruises were emblems

Of our almost feats

Inspirations to strive and to reach

Dreams so sweet

This was before we learned

That pixies did not exist

And falling could cause limbs to break,

Necks to twist

 

Tell me, when did grim reality

Steal a kiss?

Latch to our lips, suck imagination

With bliss?

When did the world capture

Our illusory wings? 

Snip the little made-up,

Diaphanous things?

 

For now, all the bright colors

Are monotone gray

And deep darkness encroaches

The dim light of day

Creativity is imprisoned

Inside straight lines

Thoughts, in a box,

Their solitary confines






Join the Discussion

This article has 15 comments. Post your own now!

mckennaxoxo This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 8 at 9:49 pm
Your choice of words is really impressive, and you have a really unique style. I love it!
 
hwoodruff98 replied...
May 9 at 8:35 pm
Thank you so much! :)
 
NimWallaceThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 12 at 10:16 am
Hey, thanks again for your review, very helpful! :) This is a beautiful piece with amazing imagery, conjuring up pictures of childhood fairytales. However, I do think in a couple lines, like "do you remember when we thought we could fly" you used too many syllables, whereas in some lines, like "necks to twist" there weren't enough. Overall, though, wonderful piece, love the style. Keep writing!
 
hwoodruff98 replied...
Apr. 12 at 12:01 pm
Hi, @NimWallace. Thanks for your feedback. This is actually a syllabic poem. Each thought is two lines, and the syllables for the first and third stanzas are 12/12/12/11 and the second and fourth are 12/12/13/11... Or at least they will be when the edits are posted. That being said, I'll look at reworking the lines so that they are just four lines per stanza instead of eight. Thanks again for your comment!
 
Patrick82432This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Apr. 11 at 3:54 pm
Very nice piece, however, like @addictwithapen said, the third to last stanza did seem a bit abrupt, but it's your style. I like it a lot and it's very beautiful! Definitely keep writing!
 
hwoodruff98 replied...
May 9 at 8:37 pm
Thank you so much for your feedback. I'll see what I can do about that stanza. :)
 
addictwithapenThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 9 at 12:06 pm
I like the feel of this poem. It really conjures up the nostalgia of a lost childhood. The only criticism I have is a bit hard to explain. The third to last line in the last stanza feels somehow abrupt and jarring. Perhaps you could make the length of it closer to that of the other lines by inserting an adjective to describe the “lines” that creativity is imprisoned inside. Only one other thing: in the first stanza, you mean “peals of laughter”. Peels are on fruit. :)
 
hwoodruff98 replied...
Apr. 9 at 12:27 pm
Thank you for the feedback! I will definitely make the word change; I can't believe I missed that XD. The only thing with adding an adjective is that the poem is syllabic. I might be able to rework it, though, by taking out "is." Thanks again for the criticism; it really helped!
 
thewarrior77This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 9 at 9:41 am
@hwoodruff98 Your language and imagery in this poem is amazing. Great word choice, pacing. The message is beautiful, though I wish the end could tie the poem tigter together, maybe connect to the beginning image in some way for stronger closure. But great job! Keep it up, very lovely piece!
 
thewarrior77This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Apr. 9 at 9:41 am
tighter* My bad :)
 
hwoodruff98 replied...
Apr. 9 at 12:30 pm
Thanks for the feedback! I'll reexamine it to see if I can tie back in the flying/wings imagery. I might be able to, because I didn't really like the first two lines of the last stanza. :)
 
SpeakerofWolvesThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 8 at 9:13 pm
@hwoodruff98 This is beautiful. I like how I can relate this to a childhood is asking and that makes this poem even better. Awesome job and keep that pencil writing (or keyboard typing XD).
 
hwoodruff98 replied...
Apr. 9 at 9:09 am
@SpeakerofWolves thank you so much. I will keep writing, and you should too :)
 
missfloetry said...
Apr. 5 at 8:27 pm
This is beautiful.
 
hwoodruff98 replied...
Apr. 9 at 9:10 am
Thank you :)
 
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