The End of a Fraud

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"What is to come?"
she asks as she reaches
for my mind. Search deep
into my hand and read
the lies placed by fate.

"Yet, no, it's just not
right." We sigh; exhale
sharply just to feel
the breath. It escapes
so freely anymore.

"Stop thinking," I finally
declare. "The stars will
not shine for you now
anyway." And so we ebb
away, fade into night.





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This article has 3 comments. Post your own now!

tylerjungle (forrest t) said...
Jan. 23, 2009 at 9:59 pm
the feelin it portrays and i think you want it to, it def does portray, so far its good but as Chad M said it needs a lot more work, it is a rough draft but i think the quotes add to the poem
 
chadmorelock said...
Jan. 6, 2009 at 4:36 pm
Yeah I think this one needs a little more work, but so far I like what I think you are trying to do with it! "We sigh; exhale
sharply just to feel
the breath." For some weird reason I like this line a lot. I can just picture someone doing this. I think it will be great, when finished.
 
TheAuthor (crich897) said...
Jan. 2, 2009 at 10:47 pm
This piece is in no way finished. It is merely a very rough draft. I put it on here kind of by mistake, but decided it wouldnt hurt to keep up.
I feel it needs much more - more depth and feeling; maybe I will even get rid of the quotes. Do they make it seem immature?
This piece pretty accurately portrays (to me, at least) the feeling I want it to, but I think it needs a bit of work.
Any criticism - constructive or otherwise - will be greatly appreciated!
 
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