Supposed To Be There

February 20, 2008
You were supposed to be there.
You were supposed to hole my tears,
Blow me kisses, love my life.
You were supposed to care about me.
You whispered you loved me –
You told me you were there for me.
(Just another lie, huh?)
No, not a lie. A Dream.
A (real) mother is just a figure of my imagination.
Still I was born of you, of your being –
Is that not enough to give me worth
In your mind?
My smile lit up your Christmas tree,
Were the candles on your birthday cake –
But the reflection of my father’s face.
Your support of my life was not to come
From my own piggy bank that you’d
Saved for me!
Your support wasn’t shown in tea cup rides
Or movies or pizza dinners.
You make me cry of guilt.
(For not letting your money be enough.)
But mom, I am looking for love.
Is that so hard to comprehend?
I just need to hear you say,
“Honey, I’m so proud of you.”
(But actually mean it.)
I want to see you show up at my concerts,
Award ceremonies and events,
Without your care to receive attention
And make me feel worse –
I wish I could remember baking cookies
And smelling sugar at Christmas time in your house.
But all I remember is the scent of your alcohol.
You know, I try to explain to people
Of my need for love –
They think I want a boyfriend –
But I hope you will understand that
I just need you to love me.
But all I can breath in right now
Is the by product of a loathe churning
Deep within my heart.
(You have never made me hate myself more.)
I’ll just disconnect my phone card
So I won’t hear your screams
Reverberate through my ears.
But don’t think I have ever forgotten that
Slap, lie, broken promise, bottle, scream –
That you’ve already tried on me.
Nor will I forget about that empty seat
I saw amidst the lights of the
Audience (again) tonight.
Sure, I never told you,
But you never cared enough to ask.
(Or call me, or write me, or think of me --)
Yet for some reason I have never
Stopped thinking of you.

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