Letter to Ciaran (Smile)

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Look
I know you feel kinda worthless today, and maybe
things aren't working out quite right, but then again
they never do
I mean nothing is ever really perfect, beautiful boy
and so I just really want you to know
I can't be right there for you
to try to help you but I really
really really really
I really do care about you, and I want you to smile
because yeah, life is **** sometimes and it's easy to forget, but there's still so much to smile about
There's apples, and there's
strawberry soda when it's really hot outside
shoes that fit good,
or a tree outside your house that you look at when you're sad, cos you know that
that's probably the one thing in your life that's always gonna be right there.
And snow
but not too much snow
seagulls and the way they sound right before summer
before the fishermen come and they
(the birds)
start yelling at eachother,
when they make quiet little happy seagull noises, like
"good to be back"
the kind of sunshine that hides in front of you when the entire sky is pale grey,
and shines bright white,
and doesn't hurt to look at
Little sisters when they're not a pain in the neck,
also dancing
(even though I can't dance and you can, I still love to dance, I imagine it feels good to dance even if you don't fall down all the time)
Kitty cats!
being an idiot with your best friends, and strangers give you funny looks, yeah
but you're laughing too hard to care
and, um...
Tea.
tea with sugar and cream, in the middle of the night, when it's really quiet
and you sneak downstairs and make some
and sit on the counter and drink it in the dark, just thinking about everything
(this is what I was doing when I first thought I loved you
not to be confused with the day I KNEW I loved you,
a week later
when you said with not an inch of doubt that we would take over the world)
Sneaking downstairs to look at the moon
or to watch the Christmas tree twinkle
...Sneaking downstairs to do anything, really
Red plum jelly
kissing
thinking about kissing
Shopping for hats.
I really love shopping for hats, I do it almost every day, except I don't buy them often
buying them takes away the magic
Being with people you really care about,
like a family,but without the blood
MUSIC!
I found a wonderful wonderful song yesterday, it made me smile so much,
made me think of you too,
and
fairy lights right before midnight
in your backyard
the day after a party...

I think you're beautiful, and I really want you to be happy
Cos you are just sooo
so good
good in that way that's not dirty, I mean a lot of people use it like that, but you really are
Good. and Wonderful and Beautiful, and you deserve to smile
I hope your night went okay,
and I'm really sorry about that grade,
but god I love you
so please

pretty please

Smile
xx





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