What happened? We were so perfect. Everything was going to turn out amazing. Now I'm left here. Wondering if that was the actual reason you walked away. It's not like I don't understand if it wasn't. I know I'm a pain, I wouldn't blame you. I was so strong with you. We were both strong, and could make it. But things change. I just don't want to slip away again. I can already feel it happening. The sand is slipping through my fingers. I can't grasp onto reality. . . Nothing can sooth all the ache I feel inside. One year just feels so far away from right now. I know things will change. Nothing will be the same. I have to deal with that reality. I felt home, and now I'm just lost. My home was built on the sand. It was bound to crumble sooner or later. I never expected this soon though. I will stay here and wait, as long as it takes. If you end up not wanting to build a new house, I'll move on. When I have the strength, that is. I always lived in my own world, reality was just another place I never wanted to visit. But it struck me hard. Now I can't bear to even open my eyes, for fear of what will happen. I'm torn. You still have my heart, I hope you still keep it safe. I never gave you the key. . . I never got the chance. You saved me, more than once. Who will stop me next time, now that you are gone. Promises are only words, words can be forgotten. Thrown aside, I know this too well. I don't know if I will be able to keep that promise. Even though it never really was a promise. I should have told you to keep me in thought. To make sure I was okay. But I love you so much I sacrificed that for you. I gave myself up. Hope can only last for so long before it runs out. Depression only takes so long to creep in the door and find me. It could take over in a heartbeat, the last heartbeat. No one sees it. Even the ones I have told don't realize how powerful it is. I may be fine on the outside, but I'm dying on the inside. All I need is for someone to tell me I can make it, give me a hug and just hold me. To be held. . . It sounds like a dream. I wish I hadn't been placed where I am. It will all take over eventually and everything will die around me, a slow and silent death. I'll be a walking, dead. No sense of feelings. I'll stand there and realize reality. Reality will overwhelm me before I even have time to think. There is no such thing as happy endings. They are only fairy tales that never come true. When will I wake up from this horrible nightmare? When will all life be normal again. My heart is still in your hands, only with another long crack running straight down the middle. It's lost so much blood already, it's amazing it's still beating. Maybe it's holding on for one last final blow. Maybe not. Only time can tell now.
February 23, 2011