You wanted to fly

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You said you wanted to fly,
I told you to take your time.
But you were already in the sky,
And I couldn’t make the climb.

I told you to take your time,
But you were going after your dreams.
I couldn’t make the climb,
It was higher than it seemed.

You were going after your dreams,
When you fell to the ground,
It was higher than it seemed,
But you were happy with what you found.

When you fell to the ground,
You had a taste of freedom on your lips,
You were happy with what you found.
And there you went, slipping through my fingertips.

You had the taste of freedom on your lips,
You were already in the sky.
And there you went, slipping through my fingertips.
You said you wanted to fly.





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KICK3593 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 7, 2010 at 8:24 pm

This is Daedalus and Icarus, I presume? Interesting how you rhymed the poem and made everything recur, like rippling water... haha, ironic Ovidian reference, but I digress, ANYWAY. It is a good poem, only it could be developed just a bit more. My only suggestion is word choice, which is NOT EASy to do.

All I can say is, you've got a heavy good start here!

 
reneeannxyz replied...
Apr. 7, 2010 at 9:42 pm
Thank you for the feedback! But it's a Pantoum, and this particular form of poetry requires repeated lines. :)
 
reneeannxyz replied...
Apr. 7, 2010 at 9:49 pm
Hm, my comment got cut off.

It was also not a reference to anything. I can see how you would think that, but the line "You said you wanted to fly" is a personal line from my life, and the it is inspired by certain events in my life. :)
 
KICK3593 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Apr. 10, 2010 at 10:21 pm
Good to know.
 
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