learning to breathe

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Paige:

Drink it down
Swallow hard
Let it make you happy
Enjoy it while it lasts
Before you crave it once again
That’s what she said
My Lorena, the wonderful girl she was
She was always happy
Constantly joking
But I never saw the true her
She was always on something
She never knew what was real
Living in a dream
She didn’t know reality
Was slipping all away
Lorena lived a life
She never knew
And I feel it is all because of me.

Sometimes I wonder
What if
I had saved her?
What if
I had stopped her?
What if I had taught her,
What reality could hold?
Would she be with me here today,
Had we done what we were told?

Not so sure yet
That I completely would have done it over
If I have regret
Time moves a certain way
For reason
I had warnings those days
That I did not heed
We thought we had to do it
Because we had become fiends
We feared withdrawal
And therefore fed our needs

Lorena died before her 16th birthday
She felt she didn’t want to live
Another year
In fear of what she’d become
I remember that day
Pretty clearly
It has not drifted away so far
Yet it hurts to remember
I’d rather forget
Make it all disappear
Things haven’t fogged up yet
As I hoped they would
But it started long before that
The story goes back
To the day back when
Lorena learned lies from facts
And told me I was her only true friend

She was about 11 years old
And looked about 4 yrs older
Although we were just kids
She said she was sick of the shit
Parents try pulling over their kids
Can’t wait to get to the place
Where everything is ok
She said there life was good,
As good as can be
I was 10 and smart for my age
Lorena wanted to be on top
I knew how emotions could change
Lorena once said she’d be a cop

The reason that day was important
Well, Lorena lost a lot
We were in the park
In the playground
On the swings
As we went
Lorena singed
Of how beautiful things can be
Somehow it seemed
Lorena found magic
In everything she saw

They told her smile Lorena
More often be happy
She took their advice
As she swallowed pills
And became as cold as ice

Lorena:

Baby so much good
Can happen when you
Have a friend
Mary Jane
I love your name
You bring me peace
Never leave me
Stay with me please
God damn reality
Live in a world of dreams
Don’t know what to believe
Only know
What I’ve been shown
All along.

My dear Paige is a sweetheart
I know I’m slowly dying
I know damn well
That I’ve brought myself
To living hell
Might as well die
So that I don’t cry
My tears away
Another day
Gone by
Another year
And I’m still tied
Down by ropes
Hoping somehow I’ll choke
Here I am
Staring out the window
Pondering how
So many years have flown by
Since then till now

Some may say my views are screwed
But I reply “to hell with you”
I am who I am
And quite honestly I don’t give a damn
About what they think
They are the enemy
They are the reason
I crave death
They are the reason I cry
The reason l want to die
But if I look it in a better point of view
They’ve only given me an excuse
To screw up my life

I knew what I was doing all along
I knew that they were wrong
If they thought
I was ok with living another year
In hell
With 16 years of life behind me
I had decided I was done
With all the so called fun
With the fear and millions of tears
I would shed each night
Before I fell asleep in fright
Afraid of what the next day held.

Paige:

So they say
Don’t be afraid
Don’t waste those tears
There can be other ways

And Ryan says all these things
Can’t he read my mind?
Such bull shit lies
Thrown in my face
I wonder if she saw me
Would she think
I am a disgrace?
Would she be ashamed of whom I’ve become?
Would she be okay with what I’ve done?
I wonder many times a day
How things came to be this way
But he says it'll be alright
He says there will be light
And then I wonder if maybe
There is truth to what he says
And maybe there is hope
I don't want to hate
I’d rather find the love
God shows me it from above

How many times a day
Will I wonder if I’ll be ok?
Why do I always feel as if
The earth beneath me will crumble?
I cry a million tears
Constantly drown in fear
Of my secrets

Ryan would not be acceptable
If Lorena were here
Falling in love was one of her biggest fears
And yet I’ve embraced my passion
As if it was everything the world could hold
I didn’t listen to what I’ve been told
Lorena’s laws
Were beauty and wisdom
Lorena never apologized for her flaws
Never explained why
From love she would always hide

Men, Lorena would say, are full of stupidity
Absolutely unworthy of a woman’s beauty
She said if you were intelligent and beautiful
You had everything
Nothing else could mean more
In Lorena’s world


Self absorbed people clutter here and there
Is there a place for me somewhere?
Since Lorena left I’ve been so alone
I’ve heard before that loneliness
Is human nature
Loneliness gives your soul room to grow
My soul was once satisfied
But now, does not know where to go

Ryan tries to feed my needs
He knows how hurt I am
He knows how I work hard
So that I am ok
Sometimes I ask
What drove her to it?
And I also ask
What do you do?
When you lose someone,
Who believes in you?
Do you become them?
Do you add them to who you are?
Because what are you really?
Bits and pieces
Of everything you know
Everyone you’ve ever met
And everywhere you have been

Lorena was an artist
In her own way
A poet
If you could hear the way she spoke
She could take you to another day
She had such talent
Such eloquence
That I’ve never encountered before
She had my mouth hanging
My feet leaping from the floor

But that must’ve been it
In the end
She was blinded by the monster
And could not see what she could lend
To the world
She had gone mad
Always angry
Always sad

I know she tried
I must say she tried so hard
Tried to be her ideal self
She was glamorous
She was…
Everything

I try to hold tears back
Because I think she wouldn’t want
To see me cry
Not that she didn’t
Oh she did alright
Those nights huddled together
How she held me so tight
I wish I never allowed her to let me go
But hold me forever
Lorena
Hold me in your arms tight
Tell me
It’ll be alright
I miss her so much
I miss her scent
I miss her touch
But she left us
Me
Here to see
What I can’t believe
Not in my wildest dreams,
Would I have conceived,
A day I’d be
Without her





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lola.loves.stars said...
Jul. 8, 2011 at 6:26 pm
This article made  me cry; it touched me because it reached out to me in so many ways being my name Lorena and the charcter Lorena and I being alike in so many ways i see myself. Great piece of work! :) i hope a book comes out of this.
 
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