Shattered

I think that you guys are right - to some extent. I don't think this rhyming has to be "given up" at all, however, but that some lines could use tweaking. In the end, however, it's the author's choice.
As for the cheeriness of the poem, If you (Mizz.Independent) want to play with the rhyming, I've found that not rhyming couplets but every few lines - kind of like Poe's style - gives it a very somber feeling. But I think it's fine either way.

"Dear haters, if you don't have anything positive to say about my work then dont comment" That's not what teenink is about. And if you're going to write you have to take constructive criticism, which is what they were giving you here. If people were blatantly saying they hated your work, then you could be mad. But in the world of writing, you can't label people "haters" who are trying to help you grow as an artist.

this poem reminds me alot about my self
u r a very strong girl and have good talent
i luv dis poem so much

I agree with the others, and he aren't trying to be haters; we're merely giving you advice to make your already good work even better.

Dear haters, if you don't have anything positive to say about my work then dont comment

I agree with them. The style you seem to be trying to do is free verse. In free verse, you don't have to rhyme, you meerly have to go to the next line when you would usually pause with a comma or period or whatever. Describe what is happening, or what has happened. This piece is okay, but you need to go with the flow so to speak. Give up the rhyming. It's just a barrier that you don't need.

It would be really great if you could look at some of my poetry/story. ;>

You have some beautiful imagery buried within this poem. Because of the poetic-ness of the rest of the poem, I feel that "some serious stuff" doesn't really work that well here. In comparison it sounds a bit childish.

I absolutely adore the phrase "behind silhouette eyes." I have never seen it used like that before, and it truly delighted me. =)

T'was a very good piece, but I think you could take it even further if you were to remove the rhyme scheme. This topic i... (more »)

thanks for the advice

It's neat - the rhyming gets in the way of some of the lines, though. For example, instead of "serious stuff," you could give more concrete imagery. I'd change some of the "crying away" to describing the tears, or your face after crying, or any image that the reader can relate to.