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Shattered

My emotions are delicate like glass
They shatter when i reflect on the past
Eyes burn with the slightest thought of my deepest fears
I've been through some serious stuff
And sometimes crying my pain away ain't enough
I bury the truth behind silhouette eyes
If only you heard my muted cries
As time grows old, I'll keep this engraved in my heart
And each day I'll remind myself how far I've come from the start



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This article has 11 comments. Post your own!

EdytD said...
Sept. 3, 2009 at 10:12 pm:
I think that you guys are right - to some extent. I don't think this rhyming has to be "given up" at all, however, but that some lines could use tweaking. In the end, however, it's the author's choice.
As for the cheeriness of the poem, If you (Mizz.Independent) want to play with the rhyming, I've found that not rhyming couplets but every few lines - kind of like Poe's style - gives it a very somber feeling. But I think it's fine either way.
 
Mizz.Independent replied...
Sept. 7, 2009 at 4:10 pm :
I would like to apologize for my comment. And thanks everyone for explaning your constructive criticism because now i understand why it was said. -Rae "bka" Doll Face
 
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WriterDancerLover This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 15, 2009 at 6:07 pm:
"Dear haters, if you don't have anything positive to say about my work then dont comment" That's not what teenink is about. And if you're going to write you have to take constructive criticism, which is what they were giving you here. If people were blatantly saying they hated your work, then you could be mad. But in the world of writing, you can't label people "haters" who are trying to help you grow as an artist.
 
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miz.pretty.yung.thang said...
Aug. 7, 2009 at 8:25 pm:
this poem reminds me alot about my self
u r a very strong girl and have good talent
i luv dis poem so much
 
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Abigail_W said...
Jun. 21, 2009 at 4:54 pm:
I agree with the others, and he aren't trying to be haters; we're merely giving you advice to make your already good work even better.
 
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Mizz.Independent said...
Jun. 8, 2009 at 8:43 pm:
Dear haters, if you don't have anything positive to say about my work then dont comment
 
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Wolfayne said...
Jun. 7, 2009 at 10:35 pm:
I agree with them. The style you seem to be trying to do is free verse. In free verse, you don't have to rhyme, you meerly have to go to the next line when you would usually pause with a comma or period or whatever. Describe what is happening, or what has happened. This piece is okay, but you need to go with the flow so to speak. Give up the rhyming. It's just a barrier that you don't need.

It would be really great if you could look at some of my poetry/story. ;>
 
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scotchtapedreams This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 18, 2009 at 1:36 am:
You have some beautiful imagery buried within this poem. Because of the poetic-ness of the rest of the poem, I feel that "some serious stuff" doesn't really work that well here. In comparison it sounds a bit childish.

I absolutely adore the phrase "behind silhouette eyes." I have never seen it used like that before, and it truly delighted me. =)

T'was a very good piece, but I think you could take it even further if you were to remove the rhyme scheme. This topic i... (more »)
 
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RachelW. said...
May 12, 2009 at 5:56 pm:
thanks for the advice
 
EdytD replied...
Sept. 3, 2009 at 8:53 pm :
heyy, TeenInk lets me reply now!
You're welcome, and thanks for the comment on my poem!
 
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EdytD said...
May 11, 2009 at 11:53 pm:
It's neat - the rhyming gets in the way of some of the lines, though. For example, instead of "serious stuff," you could give more concrete imagery. I'd change some of the "crying away" to describing the tears, or your face after crying, or any image that the reader can relate to.
 
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