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If I kissed you...

Author's note: Writing is my passion. If I don't write daily, I feel like my day is incomplete. I wrote this to...  Show full author's note »
Author's note: Writing is my passion. If I don't write daily, I feel like my day is incomplete. I wrote this to showcase where I am currently at, regarding talent in writing. Currently I have at least five other books I've started on which have the same amount of dedication and talent. When I manage to get a publisher I'll publish them as well when they are finished. This is the first big piece I've put out there that I feel truly shows where I am at in my writing. If you like it, keep in mind this is only part 1, and part 2 is in the works. Any good and constructive feedback is more than welcome. The more feedback I get, the more I will consider there being a part three.  « Hide author's note
Chapters:   « Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 ... 22 Next »


He gathered the plates, and left, presumably to the shed. It was dark now, the shadows from outside filled the room. When he came back he looked at me awkwardly like he didn't know what to expect from me. It was almost like he was nervous in his own messed up way. He closed one door, and then the other, latching them with a thick board he picked up. He gave me the same side-glancing nervous look and took off his bloody shirt, I cringed into the corner though he was not going towards me, but the dresser. As he was pulling out some wiry string, scissors, and a needle, I noticed all the other scars on his back. They were long and thick, some of them carried all the way down to his pants line. He looked at me head on, and I saw he had the same scars all across his torso, there was barely any space left clean of them. Like my scars, only worse.
“Do you know how to sew?” he asked roughly, his eyes cold.
“Yes-well sort of-” I stammered.
He handed me the needle and thread, keeping the scissors away on the nightstand. He eyed me skeptically, tearing off the gauze from his shoulder wound and then startled me, as he inched onto the bed watching me closely with the needle. He slowly laid on his back, his eyes not missing a heartbeat.
What could I do with a needle? I decided quickly that I should play along and try to get his trust so that I can run away.
“H-have, you cleaned it?” I asked, looking the deep wound over for any sign of dirt.
“It's clean.” he muttered.
Thankfully it was on the shoulder nearest to me and so I didn't have to lean over him. I started tying a knot in the string and since my fingers shook, I decided to make some conversation.
“So...how did you get all those scars?”
“My father. People.” he answered, his eyes cold.
I figured I shouldn't pursue the subject.
“...What should I call you? Wha-”
“You can call me Raiden.”
I finished the knot. I looked at his skin, if I hurt him would he kill me?
“Is that your real name?”
He was silent. And then, “It's like my real name, only different. Go ahead and start stitching.”
I looked over the wound again and because it was so deep I figured it should have deeper stitches than the regular shallow gashes.
“Okay, I just want you to know that I'm going to have to make the stitches deeper since the wound is so deep, so the skin holds the wound good and it doesn't rip open.”
He nodded gruffly. And without wanting to drag it on, I pierced through the skin. Little red dots appeared around the stitching as he let in a sharp intake of air, and then seemed deep in concentration on hiding the pain.
Unsure of what I was doing, I still made the stitches about a fourth of an inch thick, and used the same length as the depth to space them. I just hoped this was how I was supposed to do it, if it got ripped or infected he would probably be blaming me for it. And I wouldn't know what would come after that. I noticed his fists were clenching, but I did it as fast and meticulous as I could.
“Done.” I said after the last stitch. “Just have to tighten it,” I had been making tight stitches but I didn't want it to get infected. He cringed as I pulled it together tight. “...and tie the knot.”
Once the knot was tied, he grabbed the scissor and since he moved fast I slammed myself back into the wall. He looked at me and grabbed the fallen needle, “Skittish?” he asked, grinning tortuously, and cut the thread. He got up nimbly, and pulled open the bottom drawer of his dresser to get some bourbon, he hissed as he poured it over his wound.
“Ah...” he exclaimed in pain before taking a drink. He tossed it back into the drawer, and took a jagged piece of mirror out of another one, examining my work. Then it dawned on me and I felt stupid for it's lateness. I was still on his bed.
“...where will I sleep?”
He glanced at me, “On my bed, unless you wish to take a chance with the scorpions?” his eyebrows were raised in a tense manner, and I thought of why he left the doors open since I woke up-could it have been for that very reason? Maybe he wanted me to to sleep on the floor and get bit.
I still couldn't decide whether to say I preferred the floor. If I did would he kill me? He took my silence as an affirmation. Apparently pleased with my work, he tossed the mirror on the dresser and took off his pants. I started wrenching against the rope tying my wrist, but it held strong and so I inched away from the corner so I wouldn't be pinned.
“Your winy boyfriend...he's not dead. If you plan on him surviving the night, I wouldn't be trying anything if I were you.”
“And what about you? Will you be trying anything?” I accused, unable to hold back my venom.
He chuckled, “That depends.”
He turned off the light and everything was dark. I felt him moving onto the bed, and felt him staring my direction. Finally after some minutes of pure terror he moved onto his back and underneath the covers. I swallowed the lump in my throat louder than I'd wanted. He was constantly keeping me on edge. He wanted control, and this must be one of his tactics.
He just laid there, stiff as a board and I knew he was awake. He was either waiting to make his move, or for me to settle into a sleeping position-or both.
“Lay down.” he commanded.
“So I'll feel you move if you try to knock me unconscious like you did the last time, remember?”
“If this is some-” I screamed as he lurched up and grabbed me, tossing me down on the bed.
Chapters:   « Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 ... 22 Next »

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This book has 127 comments. Post your own now!

Lacer said...
May 17, 2012 at 4:25 pm

You have an interesting idea. An interesting flow. But its so jumpy and confusing, I don't know what's happening. I thought she was running, but then her friends weren't tied up, and were hitting their heads on windows? And somehow she knew what the killer was thinking, and that he was a quiet kind of person, and she had seen him before? If your bringing us into the middle of the action, we need a lot better character developement, and a lot better explained action. You can't just... (more »)

KateLA replied...
May 17, 2012 at 9:18 pm

WHOA, you wrote a ton of stuff...Of course I appreciate your comment and opinions (which I'll return to you), though most of what you said didn't make much sense and some of it wasn't anywhere in the chapter/book in general. It's interesting that you say I put people into the killer's head when I don't once say what he's thinking, but OK...and they were banging their heads on the windows to try and shatter them for broken shards of glass which could use to cut through their ties.

I adm... (more »)

Lacer replied...
May 17, 2012 at 10:15 pm

Hey, I'm not particularly miffed, just frustrated. The problem with the writing style is that you shouldn't have to explain it, it should be clear when you're transitioning scenes, (use double paragraph breaks or asterik lines) and when I said that the killer was usually quiet, I mean that "How did she know he was usually quiet?" Did they hang out or something?

Your action should be clear, not in need of explanation. You have to explain the events as they are happening, not in q... (more »)

KateLA replied...
May 17, 2012 at 10:33 pm

It's obvious you're just looking for some heated debate that quite frankly I'm not much interested in and have better things to do such as finishing the proposal submission I'm sending in to possible angencies.

You are the only one having problems with it.

And another person who at first couldn't understand it, re-read it and admitted she hadn't read through it carefully enough. No offense, but it's obvious you've spent more time writing and nit-picking than reading.

Lacer replied...
May 18, 2012 at 7:18 am

You mean like all those heated debates on my other reviews? Everyone else, even the people that I'm harsher on, haven't taken this so personally. I understand that writing is your passion, but you can't say it deosn't need improvement just because you love it the way it is. It needs improvement, I'm not debating about.

Can I point out that very few people on TeenInk actually review things? And currently, I'm the only one volunteering without requiring reciprocation? Maybe t... (more »)

KateLA replied...
May 18, 2012 at 3:51 pm
Dude, you're the one giving me a PAGE and a half about how you couldn't understand something that was clear. Yes, I'll work on my transitions-now will you please chill out?
TheCapturedBat This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 17, 2012 at 9:11 am
This is very good horror. the only thing i don't like about it is that you don't reveal very much about the characters before they are put in this situation. then again, i've only read the first page!
KateLA replied...
May 17, 2012 at 8:27 pm
Oh yeah, I should say that right now there's an error that won't let you get to the 2nd page (wouldn't let me and another person do it anyways) so whether you only chose to read the first or couldn't get to the 2nd, I guess you should know. Thanks for the comment, I'll be sure to return the favor!
KateLA said...
May 15, 2012 at 5:02 pm
I just wanted to post this as a warning to some people because sadly I caught one of my (ex) friends trying to plagiarize my work. She knows who she is and I will not name names. She is now in a lot of trouble at her school. I just wanted to say that I have all the proof and back-up on my computer to prove that this is my own, original work and if anyone tries to do the same thing again it won't end well for them.
JilliAN042599 said...
May 4, 2012 at 2:58 pm
i like the part where his head rolls right nexts to her legs now that is gros lol!!!!1 loved it
KateLA replied...
May 23, 2012 at 5:58 pm
She knocks him out with her feet, lol, thanks :-)
Maddyw5 said...
May 2, 2012 at 1:55 pm
My computer only lets me read the first chapter!! But from what I have read, this novel is amazing!  I love the mystery and action right of the bat.  Great job!
KateLA replied...
May 2, 2012 at 7:15 pm
Thank you so much! I loved your articles by the way-congrats on Editor's Choice!
whiterose said...
Apr. 23, 2012 at 9:25 pm
This is an amazing story...it held me captive from the first chapter.  It's really interesting and it has great plot twists.  Keep writing...also can you check out some of my work! :)
KateLA replied...
Apr. 24, 2012 at 4:58 pm
Sure, I'd love to! Thanks for commenting! :-)
NamesKill. said...
Apr. 17, 2012 at 5:47 am

Usually I don’t really read this sort of thing, but today has been an exception.

This is AMAZING!!... I saw your thread about reading only two pages and that was my intention but I couldn't help but continue reading this wicked novel.

You so need to write part three & continue the story!...
I particularly like the way you use repetition of words, it familiarises the reader with the text and allows for them to be reminded and recall previous parts that they... (more »)

KateLA replied...
Apr. 17, 2012 at 5:12 pm
I love your comment so much! Your comment just made my whole week-Thank you! Jeez, I feel like commenting on every PIECE of your work now, I think I will, ;-D
dragonfly95 said...
Apr. 13, 2012 at 8:18 am
its good, with a few minor tweaks it would be awsome! i loved how imaginative it was and your characters are well developed, i couldnt stop reading! i read the entire thing :) i can totally see this asa published peace of work and best seller, you obviuosly have tremendous talent! :) and thanks for your awsome comment on my article ''a mother's love'' :)
KateLA replied...
Apr. 13, 2012 at 5:20 pm
Thank you! I love your comment so much :-) You just made my day!
compassionThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Apr. 13, 2012 at 5:09 am
 sry no time to read the entire thing. but looking at the summary i already love the story!i will make time and will enjoy every word of your writing:)

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