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Death's Assistants

Death's Assistants
Summary: What would happen if you could kill but just snapping your fingers? Desirae, Griffin, and Landon are about to find out. After they are kidnapped by the Soveriegn, a mysterious evil group and injected with their latest prototype, becoming the Soveriegns personal guinea pigs and assasins. Now they must choose between life or death for themselves, their families, and the world.

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This book has 20 comments. Post your own now!

NavishJaved said...
May 6, 2011 at 8:40 pm

Hi! I love these kinds of stories. :) I love your writing style, and the way you wrote your story.


Lemme tell you, the details were just awesome. A little too awesome, hmm? Yep! I felt like the descriptions definitely overpowered the beautiful story you had in mind. Yes, that's the same mistake I do.


Also, I noticed a pattern in your writing. After the word "said", you add a description.

For example, you wrote, "I said, her eyes telling me s... (more »)

TheCreepyNeighbor replied...
May 11, 2011 at 6:15 am

Thanks! Everything is really helpful except for where you talk about the mental hopsital white.

You know, like mental hopsital. . . pysch ward, etc.

NavishJaved replied...
May 11, 2011 at 5:00 pm
For that, you could have said, "The walls were white as if they were from the phys. ward." The way that you're saying it, sort of portrays that the hospital was mental.
TheCreepyNeighbor replied...
May 11, 2011 at 5:14 pm
The hospital isn't mental itself, this isn't personification. He;s comparing it to a mental hospital.
LiteraryMastermind replied...
Mar. 9, 2012 at 6:19 am
I agree with The Creepy Neighbot on this one.
Timekeeper This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 19, 2011 at 10:25 pm

Awesome new chapter, I'm looking forward to more. How many different protagonists are going to get the first person treatment?

The only complaint I really have is that the word dark is used to frequently as an adjective, or at least too close to itself in succession.  Other than that though, it's a sweet novel.

TheCreepyNeighbor replied...
Apr. 20, 2011 at 7:25 am
One more. The three main characters switch POV's.
SirChadington said...
Apr. 14, 2011 at 3:15 pm
I really like this! Keep up the amazing work!
ArtemisH said...
Apr. 9, 2011 at 9:09 pm

Wow!! Great character development. I feel like I already know your characters!! You have an amazing talent with description and character development, keep up the good work!!


P.S. Is Liam her older brother?

Midnight_Hum This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Apr. 11, 2011 at 10:19 am
I want to say first, that I like the idea of killing people by the snapping of fingers.  I think that is clever and has never been done before (at least, I have never heard it). It is hard to tell you exactly what I think because this is only the first chapter, so the characters aren't super developed yet. You didn’t shy off being descriptive, but I felt that you were a little TOO descriptive.  In all of the best stories, you FEEL the characters, not just see them.  I felt... (more »)
TheCreepyNeighbor replied...
Apr. 11, 2011 at 2:30 pm
Thank you! It was good to get some constructive critism. I will be putting those in use.
lucybrown97 said...
Apr. 5, 2011 at 1:25 pm
Great job, your use of detail is excellent.  And there was also a lot of great foreshadowing, I just knew something bad was going to happen to her as I read.  Keep up the great work, It'd be cool to see what happens next!
Osvaldo_C said...
Apr. 4, 2011 at 7:53 pm
I liked it. It had so much detail, so much emotion.
AsIAm This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 4, 2011 at 9:16 am
This is really good Kat! I love the detail!  The only thing I would change is the narrative tone in the beginning - it seems like she's trying to explain and be mysterious at the same time.  Maybe show her mood through emotions and flashbacks, rather than telling about it. Just a thought. :) This is really good - I hope you continue!
Hotaru said...
Apr. 2, 2011 at 6:41 pm
Kat! You said this was disgraceful. Liar, liar pants on fire!! It was written very well. It had a nice flow and nothing confused me. I want to read more!!!!!!
BrielleM-JustAnotherOwl- said...
Mar. 31, 2011 at 7:40 pm

This was really great! I'm glad I found it! The detail in the whole piece, especially when she's getting attacked, makes it very vivid and enjoyable. & I think that the guy's contrasting looks to what he does to her seems kind of fitting & unpredictable. Why does the guy have to look mean to be mean?

Anyway, great job & I'm really looking forward to the rest of it (especially with the Sovereign, since I know a bit about them now)! (:


Timekeeper This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 23, 2011 at 7:37 pm

I'm really looking forward to the rest of the science fiction elements to come out in the later chapters--let me know when you update it!

The details and the flow of the first chapter really fit very nicely, it definitely has the "introductory" aspects to it.

Emmaline2 said...
Mar. 23, 2011 at 4:43 pm

i like it...my only problem is that u switch back and forth from present to past tense! also I agree with arsenictruffle! when I read '...His contrasting chocolate brown eyes...' I thought...idk what I thought...but not that he would hurt her...when i think of chocolate I think loving, and kind! you should definately choose different adjectives! I like it though! Keep writing! :)


arsenictruffle said...
Mar. 22, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Very nice. You're developing your characters quite well with very few words. I love the building suspense and the detail in which you describe the diner.

Minor critiques: "Big Bertha" is a little cliche. I know you're only at the beginning of this but I would consider another name. Also, (again very minor) when you describe the attacker, he has "chocolate brown eyes" and "peach lips." Chocolate and peaches convey a feeling of warmth that I am not sure you are trying to achieve in the d... (more »)

youngpilot said...
Mar. 21, 2011 at 2:54 pm
this is a supenseful start, and it certinaly something that should be continued. i really liked the details, just enough to make it easy to understand but not so much that it hinders the story:) good job.

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