I look in the mirror, a sad face reflected, freckles dotting my small nose and my brown hair framing it. My tan skin was a gift from god; you couldn’t see the bruises as easily. I was tall, but not outrageously so. I could blend in enough to be a wallflower, but stick out enough to not entirely disappear. That had been my goal, a promise to my dead brother for the start of my junior year. I solemnly swear that I won’t disappear, Chance, no matter how hard I wish I could join you. When I look in the mirror I see a pretty girl, not a wanna-be or even a has-been, but a been-there-done-that kind of girl. Sure, I’ve done my share of underage drinking, grinding and tabletop dancing, but now it’s time to be someone else. Someone like Wall Flower Chance and I were close, two peas in a pod, a left and right shoe, he was the peanut butter to my jelly, my bubble to my gum. It was a late night- we had just got done partying at the local main b****’s house, Just Celia. She doesn’t have a last name; she thinks she’s a f*n rockstar. When I met her this is how the conversation went. “Hi, I’m Luce Jasons.” “I’m Celia. Just Celia.“ I remember Chance and I buckled over laughing at her new nickname. Everyone calls her “Just Celia” now. That night I don’t remember much, just that I was dancing with Finn, like I always do, and we were grinding away, like normal. Except I drank a little too much and so did Finn, and we let ourselves get a little carried away. I’m not sure if we did anything or just made out in the corner like some drunken idiots, but I haven’t talked to Finn since the crash. Chance found me doing whatever I was doing with Finn and pulled me out of wherever I was. He seemed to be fuming. “Chance! What the hell?” I yelled at him, realizing a little too late that I was being entirely too loud. “Luce! You were-“ then after that every thing blanks out. I would love to know what I was doing with Finn. Honestly, I had always secretly really liked him, but he seemed to only find our relationship something along the lines of beneficial instead of emotional. I didn’t mind in the least bit, but afterwards it always had felt wrong. The only things I had ever known about the crash were what I read in the papers, the fatal car crash killing Chance Jasons and seriously injuring his sister Lucey and friends Diane Gent and Julie Hardnett. Diane had been Chance’s girlfriend at the time, one of the many girls he had between junior high and his senior year, but she made a big show of how telling everyone how much she had loved him at his funeral. I knew Chance was smirking from wherever he was at how whipped he got the girls he messed around with. He was probably laughing at her too, making fun of her with the dead people he had just met. Chance was always good at that, making friends really fast and keeping girls interested. Problem was, he never stayed interested for long. Julie was my best friend, one that continuously reminded me that f*g around with Finn wouldn’t help anyone and make me feel worse. She had almost died in the crash and hasn’t said a word to me since. It hurt to see Julie laughing with a new best friend and sharing inside jokes and writing initials on notebook papers knowing it stood for something besides names. It hurt to watch her pant after each new guy, knowing I won’t get the dirt about it later. At first, I felt empty and hollow, like someone dug my insides out and filled it with jell-o. I was emotionless, fearless and regretless. I didn’t seem to care. I found myself a new Finn, one I didn’t secretly really like, one that I was attracted to enough to get me through my vacant days and meaningless life. We would get together a couple times a week, going farther than I ever did with Finn. And afterwards I would feel dirty and spineless, nothing like how it was with Finn. I broke it off when school started, he seemed to be a constant reminder of my empty world when I would see him waltzing from biology to math, a flashing sign of how far I’ve fallen. Finn would give me sidelong glances during class, almost like he wanted to say something but he couldn’t. All I ever see him do anymore is open and close his mouth like a fish underwater. I wanted to talk to Finn, to let him know how I really felt, how I wished were something more than f***-buddies, but I silently begged myself not to give into his charming smile and arrogant attitude. Some times I would sit behind him, tracing his neck with my eyes and wishing that I could kiss my way up it and make a trail to his lips. I wish he wouldn’t make me shut down when ever I got the feeling to tell him the truth, but that feeling hasn’t come since Chance died. Diane had her own life now, she was with a boy that actually loved her, no emotional baggage from a dead ex could break that. I would walk down the hallways watching her hold hands with the man of her dreams, smiling at him behind his back and blushing when he told her she was beautiful. I was trying to climb Everest, but it seemed to have too many hidden cracks and not enough footholds. I could almost feel Chance glaring down at me, disappointed that I couldn’t get through a day without depression and that his death seemed to weigh so heavily on my shoulders. It’s gonna be a long climb.