I beleive you need to work on this peice and make it more readable. If you know what I mean :)
Good job tho' I didn't read the whole story
I really liked this book its amazing i honestly don't see anythin wrong with it but i really really like it and hope you keep writing more (:
Chapter one is just a giant paragraph. Try indenting.
While reading, I noticed some parts seemed well akward. Mostly in your first few sentences. Re-read it outloud amd you may notice.
And if this was all a dream, I'd change your descriptions that are fully detailed. Because it's hard to think it was a dream when she can see everything on his face. Just my opinion.
I've only read the first chapter, and since you didn't give a summary of the book I don't know what I'm read... (more »)
I sure hope that wasn't the ending!