I Should've Kissed You
Author's note: Yes, this is based off of a One Direction song. When I hear music I tend to write little stories... Show full author's note »
Yellow Sundress and Loose CurlsSun peaks through my bedroom’s blinds. My hands search for my sleepy eyes in hope to rid them of slumber. My fingers, after finding my eyes, stretch above my head taking my arms with them.
I haven’t seen her in four days, making it Wednesday. For some reason I think she’s avoiding me. Why is Amanda putting me through this? I have asked myself more than once. It’s like she won’t even look at me. In math support she dodges my eyes like they send venom through her veins. I don’t
I slip on a navy blue dress shirt over my black undershirt, some pants, and spray on some Axe that my mom bought me yesterday. Today is the day I will talk to her, I think. I will tell her about my growing feelings for her. My backpack lifts easily with the up of my hand as I walk out of my room.
“Are you going to eat anything?” a sweet wispy voice comes from the end of the hall.
“I was thinking of eating at school. That whole Breakfast Buffet thing is happening all this month.” I lie to my mom like it’s the most normal thing in the world.
“Are you sure?” she asks again, stepping forward into the pale light coming from our hallway’s huge window. Her curls are frayed at the tips and she’s wearing makeup for the first time in a couple years. She is trying so hard. She wants to apologize for scaring our dad away with her disorders, I whisper to myself inside my head.
My mom continues to advance forward. When she does I notice the bags under her eyes. Was she washing her hands all night, or counting from her OCD? Maybe she was overthinking my dad’s abandonment or mumbling to herself for hours. I will never know. That’s what I hate about this disease that has over taken her. She used to be so calm. Now I can hear her counting when she becomes nervous. Now I watch as she bites her fingernails to the stub while she is anxious.
“You have to eat something honey.” She almost begs once she reaches me. Her outstretched hands start to button up my shirt. “One, two, three,” she orates as she buttons upward.
“Mom.” I whisper and grab her hands. “Did you take your pills?” When she shakes her head no I grab her hands tightly yet lovingly and pull her to the kitchen. Then I place two small baby blue pills within her palm.
“Please.” I say before I close the door behind me. I don’t bother to check if she took them though, because I know she didn’t.
She never does.
I don’t know if she ever will either.
I sit in my homeroom class, tapping my pencil on the hard wooden desk. Little did I know that Hilary had this same class, but on Monday I had of course found out by her screeching in joy and saying: “I didn’t know you were in here!”
Speaking of Hilary, she’s walking in the door right now. I tuck the pencil away in my binder. From the first day of sitting by her I learned that she doesn’t enjoy tapping noises. If I keep my pencil out I will be tempted to tap all of my thoughts of Drew away. Who I have been avoiding since Monday morning and today’s Wednesday so as you can see I’m still having a little trouble.
“Hey.” She says as she takes a seat by me.
“Hi.” I reply.
“Cut it out!” she quietly yells.
“What?!” I yell back. She smacks my fingers that were tapping with her pen.
“Sorry, I didn’t notice.”
“Something’s up with you, you seem so distracted.” She whispers and I smile. Hilary is smarter then she makes people assume.
If nothing means Drew, then I wouldn’t be lying to Hilary right now.
I am silent. I don’t want to speak to anyone, especially Gary and Natasha. They are both extremely lovey-dovey with each other right about now. I’m not sure I have seen Gary so head over heels (or in his case head over vans) for a girl like this. Little did I know that he had liked Natasha this much all this time, all this time that I have wasted falling for a girl who will never like me back.
I can’t make my eyes leave Gary’s hand as it circles around the small of her back. I imagine my hand stroking Amanda in such a way, and that just makes my heart want to cry more. Gary’s eyes hold so much love for a girl he’s known for almost all his life. If I remembered knowing Amanda, would I love her as much as Gary loves Natasha? Would she love me?
Ha! The word love makes me want to puke right about now. “You don’t love her…” my brain whispers to me in an angry tone as if I shouldn’t have to be told that.
While my angry brain yells “STOP THINKING ABOUT HER YOU STUPID PERSON!” something deep inside me is persuading me to talk to her in Algebra Support. Gary is the third voice that is calling me out of my day dream, or rather nightmare.
“Drew. Drew? Drew!” he says and I finally snap out of it.
“Yes?” I ask him, my voice coming out very hoarse and scary sounding. I cough the scary voice away and as I do Gary scrunches his eyebrows up in confusion.
“What’s up with you?” Gary whispers, probably so Natasha (who is talking to a couple other girls a few feet away now) doesn’t hear. Since when does he care what she thinks about ME? Is it the whole association thing? Like if she knows Gary is friends with me he won’t be good enough for her?
“What’s up with me? What’s up with me?!” I say a little louder. Photos of my mom flash before my eyes, why didn’t I check and see if she took her meds? An image of Hilary plays through my mind, why didn’t I take her beer cup away? Why didn’t I tell her to stop? Lastly I see Amanda. I watch the way her hair swoops bellow her shoulders and how her smile shines, that is until her eyes land on me. She looks upset, but I don’t know why. What did I do wrong with her? What could I have fixed? Do I still have a chance to fix whatever it may be?
All of these questions bombard my mind and I can barely speak, because if I do I am bound to say one of these things aloud and embarrass myself further. Gary is already staring up at me since I had decided to stand up for some unknown reason. His face is crushed up in a mix of confusion and possible anger.
“What’s up with you man?” he says. Everyone is staring. Everyone is watching. Everyone is watching me make a fool out of myself.
“You’re what’s up with me. You are dating a stuck up, air headed, conceded b****! It’s only a matter of time before you become completely brainwashed by her crap Gar!” I yell and everyone listens. Natasha’s eyes shine with crystal-like tears. Why am I saying this? I know exactly why now.
I can’t fix anything. I can’t fix Hilary, or Amanda, and I sure as h*** can’t fix my mother who is probably so out of her mind by drugs (medical drugs of course) or head deep in obsessive compulsive disorder. She’s drowning in it actually, just like Hilary is drowning in beer and drugs and Amanda is drowning in hate. Hate that’s aimed towards me like a loaded gun ready to blow. My mouth keeps running and spewing these hateful words because I want to ruin everything if I’m not able to fix anything.
“Can’t you see what you’re doing Gary! You’re sacrificing everything you have ever worked for! She is going to suck every ounce of inspiration out of you! She will never be anything worth trying! You’re wasting your…”
And then she slaps me, a warm slap straight across the face, leaving a red mark for sure. When I turn back to the source of the slap, I half expect Amanda to be standing there, but its Natasha. Her face is red as a tomato and tears streak down her face.
“Please. Just leave me and Gary alone.” She says and at her words I turn and head for the door.
I tap my fingers on my locker. Ms. Fairland let my homeroom class out ten minutes early because she was in such a great mood, and now I don’t know what to do with myself. In fact, lately I’ve liked to stay busy on anything other than thinking about Drew. Now it seems to be the anything I can do. I open up my locker and look into the mirror. My finger follows a loose curl that ends at my shoulders. When is the last time I wore a pony tail?
Eighth grade, I remind myself of the answer and immediately relive the first year of middle school. I remember how happy Drew made me. I put my hair up into a ponytail.
My feet trail along the hallway aimlessly. I don’t want to go to math support. I don’t want to see her and be reminded of the hate she has toward me. Why can’t I remember why she hates me? I raise my fingers to my face and feel the red hot mark from where Natasha hit me. Why am I this incredibly insane and memory-handicapped?
I keep walking until I see her. All of my confusion lifts away, and I forget about what I had thought before. Amanda, you are exactly who I need to see right now.
“Amanda?!” I hear a familiar voice yell and I turn around to see him.
She turns around slowly. Her loosely curled hair flows in a pony-tail and when her eyes land on me, her smile doesn’t disappear like I thought it would. Her brown eyes shine and so does her stable smile and all I can think is, “I think I like her, I really really really think I do.”
Her gorgeous body fits perfectly into the yellow sundress she’s wearing right now, the top half being a shirt like material and the bottom half fanning out with the curve of her hips. It’s not too tight, but just tight enough to make me smile like a foolish child. Once we are feet apart she smiles wider I watch her lips as she speaks.
“Hi stranger.” She says in a breathy whisper.
“Hey.” I say and suddenly her smile dips downwards. The soft pads of her fingers touch my cheek and the flesh burns. I bring my hand up to hers in a reaction and cover it.
“What happened to you?” she asks.
“I had to fight this huge bear and I think I might’ve gotten hurt along the way.” Drew winks at me. His hand is warm over mine and a smile crosses his face.
“Hum, well I hope you’ll be ok.” I follow his joke and he laughs, and then pulls his hand off of mine. I put mine back down by my side. “Want to go to Algebra support with me super early?” I ask him and he laughs.
“Nah, I think I’m just going to ditch today. Not in the mood, you know, fighting them bears really took the energy out of me.” He tells me with a huge sarcastic grin, but I can see there’s some sadness behind all of his fake smiles and sarcasm.
“Oh, so now it’s bears as in plural?” I ask him and laugh.
“Yeah, I didn’t mention that before?”
“I’m pretty sure I did.” Drew nods and smiles a goofy smile.
“Want to go for a walk?” I ask Drew. He looks into my eyes and I swear he knows that he has something he needs to remember. Why, Drew, can’t you remember?
We are walking around my block at the moment. Amanda is all smiles and joy.
“Do you remember how we met?” I ask Amanda, and at her shocked look I can see that she didn’t see that coming. Her eyes shine bright.
“Yeah.” She smiles. “You asked me how to figure out the slope to an equation. Something like that.”
I remember it now, with that slight reminder. I had wanted to talk to her so badly. She was always the goody two shoes to teachers and I wanted to see how she really was.
“I remember.” I say and laugh. “And your pencil hit my book.”
She looks at me with amber cheeks, and laughs.
“Yeah, I think I was trying to forget that part.” Her right hand goes behind her neck. She looks at me and smiles wide, and I look back at her. She tumbles a bit and I catch her fall.
“Never had good luck with this sidewalk, huh?” I say and Amanda laughs loudly.
“So you do remember that day?”
It is all coming back to me, the memories that my mother had caused to leave so long ago.
“Your foot was bleeding soooo much!” I yell because up to that point I can remember everything clearly. Our corner, the stitches on her foot, and the way she would be so stubborn. Nothing else though, just that.
“Yeah, I remember that.”
I always have, but he is just starting to. And that is perfectly ok with me.