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Splash

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Lauren H.
Splash
Summary: Diana loves swimming and her little sister Lannie hates it. Their mom forces them both to exercise, but Diana doesn't mind. Lannie is not good at swimming, and a lot of the other swimmers don't like her. She wants to quit, but the girls mom is angry that Lannie has quit so many activities and she's to shy to participate in very much without her older sister there to support her. Plus their mom does not want to drive them to two different places. Diana is torn between her sister and swimming.
Her closest girlfriends are drifting into interests involving black, rock, and violent video games that Diana is not at all interested in.
Her close guy friends have slipped into the world of middle school dating.
She feels lost all of the sudden, but as winter break approaches, things suddenly get drastically worse.





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This book has 10 comments. Post your own!

jenhen said...
Jul. 24, 2011 at 10:04 am:
some grammar and literary errors. look those over. i agree with rainbowwaffles comments. nice job though
 
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rainbowwaffles said...
Feb. 22, 2011 at 12:37 pm:

I really like your book so far! I really like the conflict with the little sister.

I would just look over your work again, you forgot to add some commas before quotation marks and also repeatedly use "defiantly" instead of "definitely". I know a lot of people have trouble spelling the word (I do), but spellchecks might change it to "defiantly" if the incorrect spelling is close enough.

Anyway, great job! I'm looking forward to reading more. :) If you have the chance, could you p... (more »)

 
Coffee replied...
Feb. 25, 2011 at 12:23 pm :
Thanks! Yeah, I hadn't noticed that...thanks! and I will check out your story sometime, I like realistic fiction (then again, i like most genres)
 
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Timekeeper This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jan. 20, 2011 at 9:21 pm:

"I wasn’t sure how much I liked being an Otter, but no one really cared what animal your team was supposed to be anyway."

 

You hooked me in with that sentence. Self-awareness is the key to realistic fiction, and you've nailed it. The heart-to-heart between Diana and Lannie was perfect, too- it came across very naturally and authentic.

I'm looking forward to see where you take this-- it's got a lot of potential!

 
Coffee replied...
Jan. 22, 2011 at 10:36 am :

haha thanks a lot!!! I'm glad you liked that sentance, I had kind of forgotten about it, honestly. It's enjoyable to write with Diana's personality. :)

I have some plans, but then, a lot of my ideas come up along the way. Thanks for commenting!!!!

 
Timekeeper This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jan. 27, 2011 at 8:01 pm :
Awesome, the new chapter is up! I'll reply to this comment with my thoughts once I finish my homework and read it.
 
Timekeeper This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jan. 27, 2011 at 9:34 pm :

It continues to be written very honestly and realisticly, which is sure to earn you a large readership.

 

Of particular note in this chapter I liked the "clothing rules" as it seems to be a sort of universal thing that all teens (boys and girls) have but rarely discuss.

You have a natural talent for writing and you even managed to turn a shopping day into an interesting read!

 
Coffee replied...
Jan. 29, 2011 at 9:05 am :
Thank you! For some reason it took a long time to write. It was mostly just to indrotude you to her friends, who are fairly important characters.
 
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lovelycheeseThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jan. 16, 2011 at 10:44 pm:

Alright, here goes some constructive criticism. Just going to rattle off stuff as I read. 

Very first sentence - water is already blue. A bit redundant. (Sorry, being picky). From "8 free style laps" it should be "eight freestyle laps". 

There are some little details that I think aren't important to the story. For example: The part about swerving to avoid the kid in front of the main character, is not necessary unless it has some kind of significance later on in the no... (more »)

 
Coffee replied...
Jan. 20, 2011 at 5:53 pm :

Thanks so much! Yeah, it has some issues, I supose I should edit, but I just haven't yet. :):):)

Lannie is one of the main conflicts, but there's another one too that is kind of introduced in chapter 2. (I'll finish it soon, then i'll post)

I think I need to put more of Diana (Idk if her name was mentioned in there, but that's what it is)'s personality into it. Yeah, I try to add detail, but idk, I'm still working on it.

Thank you for commenting!!!

 
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