Well, there are some grammatical/spelling errors. Also, the voice is very dry. You're just telling the readers everything that happened. Also, the description of all of their outfits is boring. It's not just because I don't care for fashion, it's also because you said simply, "It was green camouflage pants." Also, there is not much detail. This could be a very good plotline, however, this story needs a lot of fleshing out.
I'm sorry if this comment was harsh...this story needs a lot of... (more »)
The plot of your novel does have some very good potential , but I would advise a couple of things before you continue. First off , there is an inconsistensy with the format your paragraphs are in , and you may want to indent and space better do the story is easier to read. Secondly , there are many spelling/punctuation/grammar mistakes, beginning at the prologue. You might want to have several peers review your story , or even an adult. Thirdly , you should enhance your characters as mu... (more »)