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The Right Way to Fail High School

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Take it from me, high school can be an extreme waste of time. I know, I’ve been here for almost four years now. My best advice to you is to just give up and fail. Honestly, it makes the most sense! Nobody wants to wake up before the sun is even up everyday knowing they’re going to have to learn and put effort into the world. I mean come on, who would? If you want to end up bagging groceries an being stuck in this town, then this is the essay for you! I can tell you that you don’t need money, security, education, or goals. Those are just made up rules that adults expect you to live by but we already know you don’t want to be one of those people. High school is for people who actually have a drive, not teenagers who would rather play Call of Duty.

As a freshman, it’s imperative for you to know about the first lesson in failing high school: just don’t go. The best way to not learn anything from the teachers is to not have to listen to them. You have no reason to go! Don’t ruing your change of becoming the head bagger at City Market. Do you think City Market cares if you went to that boring history lesson learning about some guy who’s dead? Instead, I suggest loitering at the local McDonald’s with the rest of the winners who never graduated high school. Better yet, don’t even move from your bed in the morning. If you don’t move then you don’t even have to take a shower and you can stink up your entire room. This is the most obvious step for achieving high school failure, because we know you don’t even know what the world loitering means.

The next quality that you need to learn is to never do homework. If you look in the grade book, most of your test is balanced out by the amount of homework you do. Even if you fail a test you can almost always pass a class by doing all your homework. However, we already know that you’re on the road to failure so you don’t need to worry about that silly homework. Every time a new assignment is handed out, don’t even bother looking at it. Just throw it in the trash. The next day when the teacher asks you to turn it in you don’t even have to bother moving from your desk. Kick back; put your feet up on the table being lazy couldn’t look any better.

Lastly always argue with your teacher. The math teacher tells you the calculators can’t be used on a test, tell him that not being able to use one takes away from our basic right as a human being. If you argue with the teacher you know that it will only make them angry and that’s what you want. You want to be the student they loathe seeing everyday. You want your name to be the one they glare at when putting grades in. When you are sent to the principal’s office for back-talking give yourself a pat on the back. Pissing every teacher off that you have in high school is likely to make you receive a failing grade and as a bonus being one of the most hated students in school.

To conclude I really think that if you do all of these things you’ll be on the fast track to failure. Of course you would rather be stuck in Woodland Park being the laziest bagger then out actually being a productive member of society. Not receiving that high school diploma will send you right to the top of the list for most likely to fail. Nobody wants to worry about chemistry or English for four years. I personally know that it makes your brain bleed just thinking about it. I sincerely hope you take my advice.

Sincerely, A Senior who can relate.
P.S. Pass this out to your friends! We know that all of them can succeed at failing too!



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