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Have It My Way

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As I walk around the grim hallways of my once prestigious school, I am utterly disgusted by the lack of formality shown by bright-eyed teachers believing they can truly affect a miscreant student’s life. I pity the teacher fresh out of his college haze; perhaps, the excessive drinking achieved by said teacher remains in his system as he assesses the intelligence level of today’s hooligans. As these adolescent vigilantes become even more “urbanized,” fresh teachers, with their study cards and graphic organizers, have diminished the prestige once associated with educators. Regardless, these helpless young adults are blind to the truth at hand: careless students will remain as they are into their adult years, until reproduction occurs and the cycle repeats itself. Furthermore, as even the common man can profess, our world is in an economic slump as more of these idiotic children infect our school systems, graduating unworthily aside the brilliant few.
Therefore, it is following great debate over the matter that I propose a simple solution to our scholastic crisis.
To control the hormonally-crazed teenagers of today, who dedicate more of their time to promiscuity and tabloid magazines than to textbooks, I propose that those not specified as gifted before entering freshman year of high school be separated from their higher peers. Hostels may be established for the separation of male and female detriments, thereby preventing the horrid possibility of their reproduction; in essence, said hostels will resemble the reputable communities formed to separate the Jewish sect prior to World War II. Within each male and female community, the unintelligent students would be permitted to interact with their fellow commoners and encouraged to work at fast-food joints such as “Burger King” and “Burger Queen,” again separated by sex, thus spurring an economic revival for the fast-food industry and, presuming that such hooligans will understand specific orders, will boost the possibility for hungry Americans to “have it their way.” As most will undoubtedly support, the separation of these sexual deviants will decrease the number of disgusting spawn rolling around in their baby bouncers; for those children already brought into the world through teenage loins, immediate separation from their “parents” will decrease the likelihood for an unsuccessful future. Although some, such as those new “educators” previously specified, may be opposed to such action, the move would eventually be applauded by all. For the helpless construction workers of our day, hostels and food establishments will need building; for the hopeless students, a bright future of grease and French fries will ensue; for the shameless new teachers, stress relief will undoubtedly set in, as they eat away their sorrows and gain back their newly lost “freshman 15” at a recently constructed burger joint. You see, there is simply no logical downside!
Of course, as with all changes in social history, human rights groups will rise to the occasion; I fully expect the uneducated masses already in the wild to protest such removal of their spawn, which could, as they may claim, downsize our great country’s population. This I openly accept, as it was a leading factor in my great proposal. Therefore, let no individual protest the separation of sexes among miscreants, as around every corner a billboard can be found detesting the problem of teenage pregnancy; shame those teachers ignorant enough to believe in the education of such students, staying late to help such helpless people, as they are often found complaining of their student’s continued grade slumps; refuse, I say, all attempts at tutoring, as such paid mentors only deplete the already low funds needed to pay teachers in their summer months; veto any attempt to purchase fresh textbooks, which could promote a spark of scholastic enthusiasm in neglected children, as the imbeciles will only doodle on the freshly printed pages; and finally, decline any objection to an out of state teachers’ conference, as such a gathering of great minds could only lead to improvements. Follow these guidelines, and the success of my greatly construed plan will be ensured for the world to see.





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