It’s interesting to see how real human beings translate to a collection of pictures, posts, and likes. Everyone has their own Facebook style, but there are some recurring behavioral trends. Here’s a look at some of the most popular personalities:
The Beautiful Person
This is the girl who changes her profile picture at least once a week. Although “changes” is an overstatement—how many variations can there be given the restraints of (1) must be a selfie, and (2) must have that one expression? That “oh I didn’t see you there, you just happened to catch me looking gorgeous” face that just isn’t believable when everyone knows it’s a selfie.
This person includes an egregious amount of hashtags in their posts and comments. They may have a new profile picture with hashtags clearly demonstrating how they feel about themselves, such as #indie.
The Blind Typer
Enter the world of extreme grammar and spelling choices. He writes “haaaate ddoing homewrokk” and asks someone “r u goin g tomomorw”. It’s enough to make us think that maybe those cynical elderly folks are on to something.
The Lonely Stalker
They’re so lonely that only past posts can console them. This is the person who “likes” things from several weeks ago and comments on your profile picture from last year. We don’t really know what goes on in the minds of these people. We can only hope it’s benevolent.
The One of the Shielded Face
This person’s profile pictures are drawings, cartoons, or photos that are not of themselves. We consider that this person might not actually be who we think they are. Also, why have a Facebook if you’re going to refuse to show your face?
The Obsessive Liker
This is the person who “likes” everything. Your friend tells you happy birthday? She likes it. You ask what the homework is? She likes it, but doesn’t comment. Say you can’t go, comment “yeah same here,” post a picture of your dog? Like, like, like. We picture the likers frantically hitting like, scrolling down, repeating, for hours at a time. On their college applications, we imagine them describing their extracurricular activities: “Likes things on Facebook--five hours, seven times a week.”
The Compulsive Postman
He posts every second of every day. This person shares all the mundane details of their life, often paired with an equally routine photo. “Snow outside- how beautiful.” “Enjoying a piece of pie.” “Saw a squirrel.” These folks have a brigade of like-minded (see what I did there?) friends who like and comment on their posts, thus fueling the fire.
The Low Profile
It’s easy to forget you are friends with the Low Profile. He hardly ever posts anything. He might land a small (nonspeaking, naturally) role in the next Hunger Games movie after being spotted by a talent agent while vacationing in Europe during Spring Break. But it’s not worth a post. His newsfeed consists of this year’s birthday greetings, followed by last year’s birthday greetings.
You can’t believe how long you just spent on Facebook. You feel bad because you forgot to wish your friend a happy birthday. You feel superior because you restrained yourself from posting about your homework angst. You wish you’d been at that party. You wish you’d gone for frozen yogurt with your friends last week. You wish you were getting a new puppy, or going to Europe over break. You wish, you wish, you wish, and then you put your phone away. You have better things to do.