“Dude, we partied hard Friday. It was #dope #WeOwnTheNight #craycray”

No. Stop. All of you. Leave. Go join a wolf pack of uncivilized brutes. Run down to the basement and don't ever come back. Just please get out of my field of image and sound. Don't look at me. Don't talk to me. Don't talk to anyone, ever. #ExampleToShowMyFrustration

I remember a time when hashtags were a symbol of inner clarity coupled with outward connectivity, a brilliant idea to socialize with the masses. You have an opinion about the unconventional attitude, clothing, and romantic attachments of Miley Cyrus? Wonderful – pop in a #Miley and join the conversation. Suddenly your Tweet is linked with all the others across the world sporting the stylish #Miley through a computerized sorting system requiring next to no algorithms. There's a way for users to find exactly what they're looking for based simply on their own input. Splendid! #SettingTheScene

These hashtags were a voice for the voiceless, an elaborate social system, and as a result, they caught on pretty quickly. Everyone who so much as glanced at a ridiculous Doritos commercial in January was quick to throw down a #SuperBowl and relate with others about their not-actually-very-aligned interests. But it was still okay. Hashtags served a purpose. And I still, as with most things, didn't really care. #TensionBuilding

However, just as communism leads to dictatorship, capitalism leads to homelessness, and God leads to holy war, every ideal falls – and hashtags led to pure, unadulterated idiocy. As time passed, however noble the intentions had once been, tweets about Miley now ended with something along the lines of: “#Miley #Cyrus #MileyCyrus #WeCantStop #RobinThicke #WreckingBall #TwerkTeamSix #TheAssassinationOfOsamaTwerkLaden.” What purpose did this serve? Oh, right, to know you're not the only one associating lewd dancing with terrorism. Better connect with all the other people just like you! #ProudToBeAnAmerican

And anyway, come on, people, #LongHashtagsDontWorkBecauseHashtagsDontHaveSpacesOrApostrophesOrPunctuationAndImPrettySureTheyreNotEvenSupposedToHaveCapitalLetters

But I can handle all that. I can click away. Whatever. There is no existential force causing me to log on to Twitter and read the mellifluous visionary ramblings of America's finest pseudo-philosophers. It's when they start to emerge in the middle of otherwise normal conversations in our corporeal world, posing as legitimate components of a person-to-person discussion, that hashtags soar through the logic and substance of our discussion, slicing the participants' words into nothing more than crude mirages and rightfully underappreciated slang. No, sorry, I actually don't really care how #ridonk that girl's garb is. Oh, you mean to say that the color palette of her scarf creates a positive juxtaposition with the Bayadere stripes on her shirt? Why, I agree! Excellent observation, good sir. #scandalous

In all seriousness, the real issue with hashtags is that they reduce our conversation to its lowest common denominator. While people once were able to express their thoughts with beautiful detail, proving coherent points, the use of hashtags in the real world gives the impression that it is permissible simply to give a summary of our idea, substituting a word of connotation for a paragraph of argument. Sure, language is constantly evolving and acceptability is simply what we choose it to be, but hashtags encourage pithiness over accuracy, shying away from the ideas of education as a whole. #ItsGettingReal

Hashtags aren't going away any time soon; they're becoming both more mainstream and painful to hear at the same time. One day we will be using them in English essays, acting as if a hashtag is the logical choice in an analytical argument, summarizing theses with them.

Perhaps hashtags will return to their original purpose, their purer ideals. But let's not forget that in 2012 a couple named their baby “Hashtag.” I don't have high hopes.

In reality, the only plausible option (and let me tell you, it's an issue) is that a bunch of idiots will start using hashtags, trying to be sarcastic, 150 percent hyperbole, in a pitiful albeit valiant attempt to make humor, succumbing like the masses to the very plague they choose to criticize. #hypocrites