Thank God . . .

November 4, 2010
Custom User Avatar
More by this author
Every year it comes around, sneaking in with the cold weather and a whopping pile of dead turkeys. Ooops, that’s the dead giveaway right there. Now who on earth first decided that turkeys should be sacred to Thanksgiving? You hear “turkey” and your brain hotwires itself into Thanksgiving mode, right up there with “mashed potatoes” and “cranberry sauce.” Did the Pilgrims even eat turkeys? In elementary school, I was under the impression that they were choking down lobster antennae and gagging on big globby hunks of seal blubber that fateful Thursday in November.

Oh, yeah . . . they didn’t even celebrate Thanksgiving on a Thursday in November, did they?

Thanksgiving chugs in each year dragging a thousand and one traditions that originated who knows how who knows when. Of course there’s the elementary school pageant, where all those cute little first through fifth graders don the armaments of war in the form of broccoli headdresses and construction-paper pilgrim hats and duke it out onstage, man versus food.

And we can’t forget the family reunion, where all the extended family from twelve different states down to your cousin’s sister’s aunt’s mother’s daughter’s boyfriend’s ex-wife shows up at your door with nothing but rumbling bellies and whale-sized appetites. The men congregate in the living room with beer bottles glued to their hands and yell profanities at the TV as they steadily get drunker and drunker. The women get a free spa-session as they sweat it out in the 110 degree kitchen making enough food to feed half the penguins in Antarctica. There is a national crisis when no green beans can be found in the pantry. The world just about ends then in a nuclear explosion when Great Aunt Vera claims her pumpkin pie could kick butt over Great Aunt Stacey’s apple crisp any day. We face the Apocalypse when Spot gets his nose in the turkey stuffing and contaminates the whole batch with his poisonous dog snot.

But finally the dinner table sags beneath the weight of a mountain of food, steadily growing concave beneath the horse-sized, steroid-pumped, genetically engineered turkey in the center. Everyone gathers in the dining room and prays a brief three-second prayer before heaping football-field-sized plates with food. They eat until they feel sick and Grandpa Bernie’s belt buckle snaps and hits Cousin Marge in the eyeball. Then all the slender model cousins go and present an offering of vomit to the Porcelain God, all the fat, lumpy cousins succumb to a frenzy of self-degradation and end up slicing zebra stripes up and down their arms, and all the middle-aged matrons rush to Barnes and Noble and purchase the latest version The South Beach Diet.

Are we thankful that the hectic Christmas season is now just a hop and skip away? Are we thankful that in the morning we get to charge off to all those killer Black Friday sales at three a.m. and run over the competition in our lethal, iron-plated grocery carts?

This is not a national holiday; this is war!

Yet even amid this annual crusade against the deadly turkeys of death, this raging conflict against the extended family set on obliterating the global food supply, this noble struggle to gorge ourselves until we explode and our bloated corpses are left rotting in the semi-winter weather . . . is there not something to be thankful for?

Thank God we now eat turkey instead of seal blubber.

Thank God we actually have families to argue with and push around.

Thank God for schools where we can put on pageants and run wild around the stage.

Thank God for more food than we know what to do with.

Thank God for the thousands of turkeys who selflessly give their lives each November for the good of a national holiday.

And most of all, thank God that Thanksgiving comes only once a year! :)

Join the Discussion

This article has 4 comments. Post your own now!

Keilah S. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Nov. 21, 2010 at 5:32 pm

Hey, everybody!  Thanks for commenting; I really appreciate the feedback!  I honestly didn't write this to diss Thanksgiving.  I was just having fun completely exaggerating, stretching the truth, and even making up some stuff.  Hyperbole is definitely my favorite literary technique :)  I’m truly sorry if I offended anyone.

(And FYI, I've never actually heard of anyone cutting themselves after Thanksgiving!)

Shahed said...
Nov. 13, 2010 at 11:20 pm

I see what you're trying to say .. you do have a point .. !! :) it got lost with words though thats why people might misunderstand but good job!



BlackHoleHighAlumni This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Nov. 12, 2010 at 5:12 pm
I honestly don't see your point here. Yes, Thanksgiving is hectic, but that isn't the big deal. The big deal is that no one knows how to trully celebrate Thanksgiving. No one knows what it means to be thankful. We all just see it as a time to pig out and hang out with family. Your article shouldn't be against Thanksgiving. It should be against the way people celebrate it. and about how we should celebrate it.
SpringRayyn said...
Nov. 12, 2010 at 4:54 pm
I can see that you are really trying to show why this is the worst holiday ever, but really, not everyone is bulimic or cuts from Thanksgiving. Was that peice really nessasary? Then again, you can ignore what I just said cause I just realized that it is probably hyperbole, but I'm not deleting that. I like how you ended it with thanking God that Thanksgiving only comes once a year. C:
bRealTime banner ad on the left side
Site Feedback