How to Handle Your Parents | Teen Ink

How to Handle Your Parents

May 28, 2018
By chazelhak SILVER, Sacramento, California
chazelhak SILVER, Sacramento, California
9 articles 2 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
Things happen.


Your parents are a pain: we get it, your friends get it, even your own parents get it. We know how much you struggle with your teenage troubles while your parents do nothing. You have your significant other, too much homework, practice for two hours every day after school, and your parents still have the audacity to ask you for your precious time. They come up and surprise you with torturing questions like “How are you?” or “Did you eat?” or the dreadful “How was school?”, and you are so tired every day that all you can mumble is “fine,” hoping that they get the cue that you don’t want to talk (and they never do).


Fear not, however! Parents can seem like monsters, especially when they take away your Xbox, your iPhone, or your car keys (that really aren’t yours) because you have “bad grades” and you were caught with something so harmless as a Juul. But here’s a secret: your parents are easy to handle; you just need to know the right strategy when you encounter them. You have the power to rule your own life, even though your parents may think that they have control because they provide for you. You have the power to be the one who wears the pants in the family—not your dad, not your mom, and certainly not your little sister—because you are the one that keeps them alive (by the joy that your life brings to them of course, not, actual food, drink, or shelter).


To handle your parents, you must first acknowledge that they do exist. You just have to take your earbuds out of your ears at the dinner table. In fact, you just have to come to the dinner table once in a while to see for yourself. Observe them as they consume their steak and potatoes, talking about coworkers, family drama, and tax revenue. You can say, “What’s tax revenue?” (because you won’t know what tax revenue is), and your parents will look at you with shock, then a smile, and then your dad will give you a lengthy explanation. Ask him just one question to show that you’re listening, and, voíla, your dad will finally let you go out with your friends again! When you are waiting after school and they pick you up in their minivan with your little brother Timothy, take your eyes off the latest Instagram post and look into their eyes when you jump in the car. You will then have proven that you acknowledged that they are, indeed, driving you home. Your parents will think, “wow, my child actually cares about me,” and they will smile and perhaps give your own driving privileges back. Who knew it was this easy?


But don’t stop there! You haven’t exerted all of your potential power. You need to go one step further, and all you have to do is acknowledge that your parents, too, have a life. What? That’s it? And not just a life either. Yes, they work in that cubicle office that you say you’ll never work in, yet, besides their job, they have interests of their own. Ask your mom to show you her Pinterest, and, look, she has 10,000+ followers! You are not only fascinated, but your mom is astonished that you suddenly care, and she now might even buy you that new Beats Pill (Keep asking her questions, and she might even show you her Snapchat Story, which you didn’t even know she had. Your mom is cool!). Then, go over to your dad, and ask him about that Wilco poster he keeps above his cabinet of records. He’ll tell you that they are his favorite band, to which you must say, “Oh, I like their song ‘heavy metal drummer.’” Your dad’s eyes will light up and he’ll pull out every Wilco record from his cabinet of records to show you, and that’s when you ask to go see Lorde in concert (Bonus: you take your dad to the Lorde concert and you can bond over “Royals.”).


And that’s all you need to do to handle your parents. Just follow those directions, and they won’t be a liability to your life anymore. In fact, you might actually like having them around for once. You might talk to them more, tell your friends good things about them, and, hey, you might finally save some precious time just for them. But, keep in mind that this is all for your own gain and satisfaction. It won’t work if you’re genuinely interested in your parents’ well-being; they would catch you in an instant. Besides, why would any teenager ever do that?


The author's comments:

Satiric at best. Try-hard at worst.


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