Goodbye is a very poignant word. It signifies an end that, most of the time, isn’t expected or well received. There are songs devoted to this often malicious verb. Albums, movies, books, etc. have detailed every possible situation in which it could occur.  Whole careers in the entertainment industry have been built off the description of the pain/elation/choice adjective of this action (ehem Taylor Swift). But in order to say goodbye, there had to have been something worth saying hello to; that’s what makes it such a bittersweet act. 

I never thought I would be the bearer of these words. I loved my ex-boyfriend. I envisioned a fairytale future for us. We would get married one day, buy a house, have children etc. etc. Or so I thought. Then, as all too often happens in long distance relationships, I met someone else. (Let’s call him Jack). At first, I resisted this stranger’s charms. I told myself the story I had planned with my boyfriend over and over again. But being with Jack made, and still makes, me feel as though infinity is entirely possible, yet irrelevant.

Despite how much I liked Jack, I resisted telling my then boyfriend that I’d fallen out of love with him. Somehow I thought that if I could stall just long enough I could make him break up with me. I avoided him, ignored his texts, “forgot” to tell him I loved him. When I finally broke the news to him, it was worse than anticipated. I thought it would be easy; perhaps even a little glamorous. His reaction, however, was so painful, so guilt inspiring, I couldn’t do it. It took four tries, several boxes of tissues, and no short amount of strength to finally shut the door on someone who had been a constant presence in my life for nearly a year.

I learned a lot though. By not saying goodbye, by trying to keep everyone happy, I was not only hurting him but myself and Jack as well. I realized that if I had tried to continue like that I would have lost everyone involved. It wasn’t easy, but I don’t regret it. I only wish I hadn’t dragged through the process.

If you’re trying to figure out a way to say goodbye to someone you once loved without hurting them, don’t bother. There is no magic medicine that makes these words taste any less bitter. Don’t purposefully put others through emotional turmoil but remember it’s your life, your happiness. No one, no matter how much they claim to love you, should control that.