I'm up all night, not sleeping. I don't know why. I just can't sleep. And it's confusing. And uspetting. And I just want to work things out. But I know if you don't deserve to be in my life, I'm not going to let you be in it. But somehow, even through everything, I have faith. Cause it's all I have left. I have to believe that everything will be alright. I have to believe that things can get better, and that I won't always be like this. I have hope for the world, and that things will work themselves out if we let them. And somewhere, deep down, I know that they will be. I fully and truly believe it. And nothing will ever change my mind about that. Things are finally starting to get better, even though everything is changing. I'm scared, happy, sad, confused, lost, and yet somehow completely content and truly finding myself and understanding who I am, and who I want to be. Things may be weird and dramatic, but I know that they are getting better. And I'm finally okay with sitting by myself, in a completely empty room, in the middle of the night, when it's pitch black, with nothing playing. I like just sitting by myself and thinking about things and figuring my life out in the darkness of the night. It is very comforting and amazing. Like, I sit outside, and all I see is darkness, and then I start to get scared, then I go, that's stupid, there is no reason to be scared, and I look up at the sky and just sit in complete awe of how truly and utterly amazing it is. The sight of the night sky will forever amaze me. It will always be something that I love, and want to share with people who are special to me. And I know I don't need a guy, and I'm not saying I want one, but I'm just saying, when that someone does so happen to come along, whether it be in eight days or eight years it doesn't matter to me, I want them to just lay with me all night and look at the stars. It's important to me. I've done this with most of the friends who I'm closest with. And it may seem like the list of people who I'm not friends with anymore is getting longer and longer but that's because I know I don't need them, because they've hurt me to much. And I need to know that I can be okay without them. And I'm learning to be perfectly fine without them around, and I'm totally okay with it.
Here we go again,
November 27, 2008