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What he did has no excuse but I kept believing him.
Too many times I’ve been broken hearted; mostly from the same man. He was the one who actually made me feel special, the only one who could hold my interest for so long, and the one who made me feel like I was more than just a pretty face. I guess I was a little bit blinded by him and out of that I jumped too quickly. I know now to not trust in people, men in general, so easily. I learned to not tell myself things that aren’t true. Most importantly I’ve learned that no matter what, don’t change yourself for someone he wants.
It started freshman year, the very first day of school. I walked into the drafting room completely unaware of what I was getting myself into. My teacher looked me up and down, his face slightly puzzled and then asked me if I was lost. I shook my head no and showed him my schedule to make sure I was in the right class; introduction to technical drawing. I understood his confusion in less than five minutes because after the bell rang and everyone took a seat I realized I was the only female within those walls.
The guys seemed to notice that too, one in particular…we’ll call him Luke. Now Luke wasn’t so hard on the eyes, not so hard on the eyes at all. He was tall; at least 6’3 with spiky blonde hair, deep blue eyes and a smile that could make any girl melt. Now in all of the first hour, I had no idea what I was going to learn, even what my teachers name was because I was so focused on him. After school I remember signing onto Facebook seeing how everyone’s day was and who I was going to have classes with when I got a message from him. Now I won’t bore you with the details but he told me he thought I was cute and that he wanted to talk to me more.
We started texting and found that we had a lot in common. He was extremely sweet at first and told me all the time how beautiful I was. That can be overwhelming for a freshmen girl who had no dating experience before. I thought that that was how a relationship was supposed to work. He started sitting with me and my friends at lunch and soon but all stopped talking to me but to my friend Rachel. No, we weren’t an item or anything but when a boy constantly tells you how pretty you are and how sweet you are then maybe just maybe you can put a little bit of faith that he would want to take that somewhere.
Luke was the kind of guy that wouldn’t talk to you around his friends but would chat hours with you over texting. Everything seemed fine between us until Rachel told me that while she and Luke were hanging out he kissed her. I could literally feel my heart breaking. Later that day he texted me like everything was normal but I’m not the kind of girl to sit back and watch that all happen. I completely called him out on everything and all but told him that I never wanted to see him again. All through the week he kept apologizing and kept telling me how sorry he was and that he never meant to hurt me.
I guess you could say I believed him too quickly but it was so endearing seeing a man apologize to me for once in my life. I forgave him and things all but returned to their natural state. For the next couple of months things were interesting. He and I would talk for hours and my friends thought I was in love by the way I talked about him. In class him and his friend Josh would joke around with me and I loved being with all the guys. Soon he and I fell in the habit of talking and then not talking for weeks. It was so confusing how he could jump from one behavior to the next.
Then something changed in him. Instead of the constant compliments of your beautiful and sweet it became you’re sexy and hey baby. I didn’t think anything of it. I probably said some things I shouldn’t have in retrospect but I couldn’t help myself. It was so great finally talking to someone who wasn’t afraid to speak his mind and ask me things no one else would have the guts to. Things started to get a little uncomfortable in the way that we talked. Over time I guess I found it normal but I know now how wrong it was. I constantly had to hide our conversations from my parents. I couldn’t count the times I had fallen asleep texting him, the familiar buzz of my phone sending my heart in a frenzy of what he was going to say next.
He could never keep his promises. I can’t even tell you how disappointed I was the numerous times he cancelled at the last minute. He would tell me how bad he felt about it but never followed through until one spring night. He showed up at my house and we stayed on the porch talking for what seemed like hours before he gave me hug and left and with him he took any doubts in my mind. I was stupid to believe that he actually liked me. I was stupid to believe that I was anything more than a booty call when he got bored. Later that night he asked me to send him a picture of myself. I couldn’t wrap my head around how the man sitting out on my porch turned into this boy asking me to take a picture and send it to him.
Now that it’s in the past I know how wrong we were. I know how wrong what he asked me was. I know that now but I didn’t back then. I thank myself every day I didn’t make that mistake. Things slowed down a bit after that until the last day of school when the fair came to town. He asked me to meet him up there so I called one of my best friends and we walked down to the park where the fair was. The whole time he barely talked to me in front of his friends and at the end of the night he asked me if I would be mad that he thought my friend that I brought up with me was cute.
I didn’t forgive him that time. Nor did I forgive myself. For weeks I thought I wasn’t pretty enough or funny enough…that maybe it was my fault. Although it hurt so much it hurt more thinking of my life without him. Every now and then I would indulge myself in talking to him for a little while until I couldn’t stand it anymore. I was cautious that time but I knew that he would hurt me in the end.
I don’t want sound conceited at all but usually everywhere I go I get hit on. Luke was the only guy who ever called me beautiful. He was the only one who could make me actually believe that when he said it. Every now and then I think it would be nice to hear that instead of hey sexy or damn girl you’re hot. Every now and then I’d like to feel like I did with him. That’s the closest taste of a boyfriend I’ve ever had. That’s the only taste of romance I’ve had. So forgive me if I seem a little hesitant. I just can’t stand to get broken anymore.