I had my walls up, closing everyone and everything out. I stood behind my walls trying to pick up all the broken pieces of my heart, self-esteem, and trust. But, it was all too much for me to carry by myself. I turned my back against everyone, not wanting anyone to see what I had become. I wasn't ready to face myself or reality at that. I had wrapped myself up in a blanket of shame. Who could I trust now? The only person I had ever let in, was the one who tore me down and made me into the cold person that I am today. I told myself everyday that he was going to come back and when he did everything would be okay, but of course I was only lying to myself, hoping that it would ease the feeling of emptyness. I didn't trust anyone anymore, I didn't want to take that chance again. I just wanted to be left alone. So, for months I hid trying to pick up the broken pieces of my life, knowing that I was only hurting myself more. But I didn't care, at that point I was so desperate to feel something, even if I was only hurting myself. The pain was the only thing I had left that was real, it was the only thing that kept me sane. Months dragged on, but I eventually came out from hiding. I tried to start over again, but no one made me feel the same way I had once felt before. I wanted to give up...but then "he" came along. My own personal angel, sent from above. Juan, he's changed me in so many different ways. I use to be so numb, not feeling anything for anyone. But he took that feeling of "nothing-ness" away, and filled up the missing pieces of my life. It was hard to talk too him at first because I didn't want to "fall" for him, I was scared to get hurt again. But, he made me realize that bad things happen to good people. Things don't always work out the way we want or on our watch, but we have to keep going. He taught me that running into walls, being torn apart, and getting scars is what makes us who we are. Even to this day, I'm still afraid of opening up to Juan. It's a daily struggle for me, but it's not the same as before because now, I have someone there for me. I'm not going through this alone, and it makes a huge difference. For anyone out there who is dealing with the same problem, there's no need to be afraid anymore. Don't keep pushing away people who are trying to love you, because you're only isolating yourself from everything and everyone. No matter how much you tell yourself that you don't need anyone, truth is; no one likes to be alone. Your first love will always have a special place in your heart, trust me, I know. But that doesn't mean you can't fall in love again. When you hold back, you're only punishing yourself. But what for? You didn't do anything wrong, people fall out of love all the time. Never stop trying because you never know who's falling in love with you. Don't take that chance of being alone, you don't want that. Nobody does. We should learn and grow from the lessons that love teaches us.
Taking A Step Forward
May 19, 2010