So You Want to be a Celebrity?

Celebrities. Need I say more?
This word has a terrible connotation in today’s society. In the mind, it’s often tagged with words such as drugs, lies, affairs, rehab and even, unfortunately, popular. Why are these people so popular? As a general rule, a celebrity starts out as an innocent actor or singer, then over the course of time morphs into a beast with a head ninety percent larger than usual. They remain famous (or rather infamous) because of the mistakes they continuously make; that’s where the drugs, lies, affairs and rehab come into play. Of course, rehab never lasts, the drugs come out, and the lies begin again, starting a whole new cycle of popularity through negative press.
Then, there are those other celebrities.
Sometimes, just to mix it up a little, somebody rises to fame that does not do drugs, is loyal, and even honest on a continuous basis.
What’s that you say? You want to be a celebrity? Well, before you make up your mind, check out my ten steps in the life of a celebrity. If it’s not everything you thought it would be, you can always get a job at Wal-Mart.
1. The Talent
Before any celebrity-to-be can rise to fame, there is always the question of talent, more specifically, Do I have it? It’s a hard question to answer yourself. If you think you have talent, but cats attack when you start in on a Mary Poppins tune, chances are you are wrong. Conversely, if you think you are a talent-less piece of crud, but birds land on your shoulders when you whistle something from Glee, chances are the world is just waiting to hear your voice. So, if you have any doubts, ask a second opinion, preferably from somebody who is not related to you and/or hates your guts. If somebody who wishes you were dead has to relent that you have a great voice, you have talent up the bahoozy.
2. The Street Crew
A street crew is a small group of people that go before the celebrity (or musical band) raving about how great said celebrity or band is. They are usually characterized by matching T-shirts with the celebrity or band’s name on them, a loud, boisterous personality and an attitude that says “I know I’m right and if you don’t believe me, it’s your funeral.” Their job is to make absolutely sure that everybody in the known universe remembers the celebrity’s name. Sometimes this is accomplished through jingles and street dancing. Other times with photos and videos. Any way you cut it, though, a street crew is vital if you want to be a celebrity.
3. Making a Big Entrance
If you want to be famous, you have to make a splash. Don’t be afraid to stir up the waters a little. Nobody slowly creeps into fame. The most widely known celebrities became famous overnight. Go save a baby from drowning. Get a little boy out of a well. Wear a dress made of egg shells to your first gig. Jesus was born in a manger as angels sang His praises and kings bestowed upon Him lavish gifts. What will you do?
4. Get a Gig
So people know your name, but now you have another problem: How do I stay famous? Well, first you need to get a gig. Be a host for an awards ceremony. Play at a celebrity wedding. Or perform a miracle. Jesus turned water into fine wine. That’s a good place to be, but try to think smaller. Not everybody is omnipotent. And try not to get hurt, okay?
5A. Get Hurt
I know I just said “try not to get hurt,” but this is different. First of all, don’t try to get hurt. Once you’re famous enough, it’ll just happen. You’ll get attacked by a crazed fan. You’ll fall from a faulty ladder from thirty feet in the air. You’ll be poisoned. Any of these will put you on the news providing you are already famous. Seeing you injured will spur compassion within people and your popularity will go through the roof. Emotional pain (as from a spouse leaving or cheating on you…or both) is the greatest for this purpose. People just eat this stuff up.
If you’ve reached this point, congratulations, you are now a celebrity. The public no longer sees you so much as a person as a source for juicy gossip. And the more pain you go through, the better.
5B. Get Hated
I don’t think this can count as another number altogether because I’m going off the same train of thought. It’s the converse of 5A. When you get hurt, people will love you for it. This section focuses on hurting people, which will in turn make your loving public hate you. If you cheated on your spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend, people will hate you. If you become a bad influence by getting into drugs or alcohol, people will hate you. If you hate children, people will hate you. If you look too good, people will hate you. It’s a very delicate balance. Sometimes you don’t even do anything wrong and people will hate you anyway. If you are a boy who sounds like a girl or vice versa, are too fat or even if your hair isn’t styled just right, people will hate you.
Hate is good--good publicity, that is. If your fans find themselves having to defend you, their love for you will only become more founded. The more your name is spread, the more fans you’ll get. Don’t let your enemies bother you--after all, they’re not famous, are they?
6A. Crazy Fans
Just because every celebrity needs crazy fans. They spread the word. They hype you up. They try to kill you. They bid on your used tissues on eBay. You love them, you hate them, you want to have them thrown in prison. They want you to sign vulgar parts of their anatomy. Most of them are harmless fans who are just thrilled to meet the person whose posters plaster their walls. But there are those who want something more.
The craziest of your crazy fans will turn on you in a second. They want to be famous, too, but they want it a lot faster. They take the phrase “making an entrance” waaaaay too seriously. Their twisted thoughts go something like this: Wow, look at her. I wish I could be famous like that. I want people to know my name, just like her. She’s my idol. I hate her so much.. What nerve, being all famous when I’m just stuck as a nobody. Wait, maybe if I killed her…etc., etc. Keep your eyes peeled and always have somebody to protect your back. Remember, just because they’re your fans doesn’t mean they won’t shoot you in the head and steal your clothes. Whoever kills you gets the biggest bragging rights.
6B. Your Number One Fan
Still on the thought of fans. Everyone will want to be your number one fan with only a few exceptions (siblings usually are in this category, along with cousins. People your age you are close to don‘t like to live in a shadow. Don‘t take it personally.) Your fans will line up with your name written on their chests with body paint, all of them claiming to be your number one fan. Of course, you can only have one number one fan, so choose carefully. Remember, a good choice is always your mom.
7. Merchandise
It may be weird at first to see your face on shirts, backpacks, and even action figures, but get used to it. Kids like what’s popular, and when the new hot thing is you, you’re doomed to photo shoots and seeing your face everywhere. Relax. It’s just a way to make some more money on the side. Besides, who knows, maybe you’ll like it. It’s not like it’s the end of the world, after all.
8. Time to Die
It’s the end of the world. No matter how hard you try, you’ll end up dying eventually. Just after you die, though, you can take heart that your popularity will spike. Don’t believe me? Just take Michael Jackson. After his death in 2009, paraphernalia and music sales skyrocketed. It’s kind of like a way of people saying that they’ll miss you.
9. Immortalization in Fame
Fame is fleeting, but the Internet is forever. So if you want to be immortalized, get a blog, a Facebook or a MySpace. If you’re not the Internet type, I have one thing to say. Good luck. There are only a few people who have been immortalized in fame forever, all of them of historical importance. If you want to be remembered forever, be a politician. That’ll get people to remember all the dumb things you did.
Don’t want to be a politician? Take heart, there are many people who are immortalized in fame without having to make important decisions. A few examples? Mass murderers, explorers, leaders of the occult, the Son of God. See? There are all sorts of possibilities.
10. Enjoy it While it Lasts
Like I said in No. 9, fame is fleeting. So enjoy your fifteen minutes. Bathe in it, live it, love it, because in a decade or two you’ll be wrinkly and old and people won’t think of you at all, except maybe to wonder what ever happened to that washed up old celebrity. If kids ever hear your name they’ll probably have to ask their parents who you were, to which they would get the following reply: “Oh, he was in (such and such movie)….” And when the kids didn’t get that: “Well, he was kind of like my generation’s Justin Bieber.”
But hey, don’t let that bring you down. There are all sorts of things a washed up celebrity can do. So just follow my ten steps to success, and you’ll be famous in no time!
…And in case you’re interested, I hear that they’re hiring over at the Wal-Mart. Just saying.





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