A Modest Proposal: For Preventing Mexican Illegal Immigrants Entering the U.S. through the Southern

February 9, 2010
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Like an unlatched gate freely swinging in the yard, the southern border of the United States has been left open, leaving the entire front yard of the nation susceptible to the realities of disease, violence, and economic ruin. Walking in almost freely through our great country's backdoor, Mexican illegal immigrants have infiltrated the U.S. in the millions, and in their teeming masses have done horrors to the likes of true native and naturalized citizens. On their backs they carry millions of pounds of cocaine each year, and, once settled within our communities, their gangs and criminals perpetrate a large percentage of murders, thefts, robberies, and other crimes, creating an unparalleled threat to our children. Throughout the nation, taxpaying Americans are unemployed and live in the most abject poverty, while each year hundreds of thousands of undocumented aliens join the millions of others who have come to America to steal jobs from those who deserve them and live off the fat of other people's work. Millions of dollars of taxpayers' money goes to providing health care and education to these pests. Leaving the under-developed and wretched country of Mexico, they sneak into our land, bringing with them myriads of diseases like Malaria, Tuberculosis, Leprosy, and HIV. One must only recall the few killed and many sickened by Hepatitis A, in 2003, after eating at a Chi-Chi's Mexican restaurant in Pennsylvania to realize how real these threats are.

For this problem I see only one solution which can save this glorious nation from destruction at the hands of these malicious creatures. Due to its burgeoning labor force of over forty-eight million, largely unexploited natural resources, and vastly inferior military power, Mexico lies like an unpolished diamond in the dirt, just waiting to be picked up. By allowing the United States to more strictly control the region and to properly utilize the land and people, as only a developed nation like ours can do, the conquest of The United Mexican States, and subsequent enslavement of the Mexican people, is the only viable option to eliminate the disastrous effects of illegal immigration across the U.S.-Mexican border while also providing our nation with an incredible source of prosperity.

With nearly twenty times more personnel than the Mexican military's two hundred thousand soldiers and significantly more advanced technology and equipment, the U.S. armed forces would have minimal difficulties securing control of the country. Strategic bombings in areas of high population density, such as Mexico City and Guadalajara, would help bring the occupied territory's population down to a more manageable size. From there, the prisoners would be conveniently consolidated into large towns to work compulsorily for no pay. These militarily controlled working cities would be isolated from the rest of the United States, in order to minimize the risk of escape as well as to restrict the cultural interaction of our country's citizens with the prisoners. Only slight legislative changes would have to be made in order to ensure the legality of this plan, including the repeal of the Thirteen Amendment, which bans slavery, and the annulment of the clause of the Fourteenth Amendment that gives all people born in the U.S. equal citizenship. Such small changes would easily be passed without objection.

The first and most obvious benefit of this plan is the elimination of the nearly two thousand mile border between the U.S. and Mexico. No longer would any guards be needed to patrol this long stretch of land. This leaves more troops free to take part in more productive activities like warring against enemy nations, such as Afghanistan. In place of this border, our new southern line would be 561 miles bordering Guatemala and 155 miles along Belize. With a much shorter southern border, no more malevolent aliens could gain access into our country illegally by evading the Border Patrol.

Next, the superior control of the military over the Mexican people would be highly beneficial. Applying the fair and systematic techniques the army has been known to use when dealing with prisoners of war and detainees, the workers could be easily kept working at their most efficient state. Drug production and dealing would easily be taken over by the government, in which case the quality of the drugs would be vastly improved, their distribution wider, and resulting profits significantly higher, providing even more capital for our government. Any diseases could be kept from detracting from the productivity of the laborers by simply euthanizing any who are sick. Many illnesses would be effectively eradicated and the American citizens would be saved from any pandemics, like those brought in by illegal immigrants.

Thirdly, although it may seem like the introduction of a gigantic mass of free labor would further deprive Americans of their jobs—a justifiable worry, since Bear Stearns, a firm world renowned for good accounting, estimated, in a 2005 report, that illegal immigrants hold over eight percent of all available jobs in America—it would actually increase the overall standard of living and guarantee every U.S. citizen a higher paying, non-labor intensive occupation. This is because our economy would skyrocket at an unprecedented rate as the country's manufacturing base would be reignited. Companies would grow and new factories would be built, resulting in the availability of a plethora of managerial and office jobs. Products would be cheaper to produce here than they would be in China or Indonesia, where workers still demand nominal pay. It is clear that most American businesses would embraces this labor source as many, like Agriprocessors, have already began to hire these Mexicans for a pittance. Additionally, the $12,000,000 illegal aliens currently send off to their families in Mexico each year would remain in the country, providing even more capital for economic development.

Currently, due to the inefficiencies of its government, large amounts of Mexico's natural resources remain untapped. Nearly a quarter of the land area is forests. Millions of acres of trees remain standing that could otherwise be swiftly cut down and sold for timber. Other resources like petroleum and precious metals, such as gold and silver, also remain in the ground. Through the direct investment of American capital, this land can easily be overturned, supplying many new sources of income and saving our country the billions of dollars that otherwise would have needed to be invested in alternative energy.

Clearly, this proposal is immeasurably more effective than any of the other so-called-solutions, which, because of their unworkable natures, should not even be considered. Measures like more strictly enforcing the laws against hiring illegal immigrants, requiring proof of legal residence in order to receive public education, and deporting known illegal immigrants fail to take full advantage of this otherwise terrible situation. Simple increases in the number of patrols at the current border and greater use of technologies like infrared sensors could never be enough to guard the entire border. The most foolish of all is the suggestion that we actually negotiate with the Mexican government to either make it easy for Mexicans to legally enter the country on migrant workers visas or encourage American businesses to build factories and plants on Mexican soil. It is quite fortunate I devised this plan, such as there is no longer a threat that one of these useless sets of tactics will be attempted.

By taking over Mexico and enslaving the native people, not only would the current detrimental effects of illegal immigrants coming into our country be removed, innumerable profits would be made. However, if by some chance one of the intelligent and thoughtful men who sit upon Capitol Hill proposes some solution better than mine, I would be glad to support it. Nevertheless, unless there is some better way to protect our nation from the harmful effects of undocumented aliens on the national economy, health, and safety, I see no choice but to forcibly convert the entire Mexican people into a productive body to be expended at the benefit of our nation. Other than my desire to see all future calamities averted and my nation prosper, I have no personal interest in this issue. Being a native-born American and not of Latin American descent, and having no personal relationships with illegal immigrants, I shall not be considered biased toward the Mexicans who contrive to cross our border unlawfully; if this plan seems to favor these illegitimates in any way it is because of the economic advantages of such actions.

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This article has 13 comments. Post your own now!

smiileyface18 said...
Jun. 9, 2013 at 9:44 am
WOW!! I am mind b lown that people would have the courage to post something like this! It's horrible, I mean jusy horrible. It is complete discrimination and racism. I just....it is very very ignorant.
staylor1196 replied...
Mar. 5, 2014 at 10:00 pm
this is an exaggeration. Like John Swift, he prososed to eat babies due to overpopulation. Yes while this topic is racy, this is a very inaccurate satiracal, if this makes sense.
Lacy29Blackburn said...
Jan. 3, 2013 at 5:03 am
Have no enough money to buy some real estate? You should not worry, just because it is available to take the mortgage loans to work out all the problems. So take a car loan to buy everything you need.
isabella22 said...
Oct. 12, 2012 at 12:52 pm
I think that calling immigrants alliens and pests is not gonna help and if you really wanted work you will look everywhere on earth so now don't complain saying immigrants take your jobs.
yvgh replied...
Mar. 5, 2013 at 7:03 pm
Umm it's a SATIRE. reading is fundamental
ender216 said...
Jul. 22, 2012 at 1:41 pm
this is an excellent piece of satirical writing that, while being mildly amusing, also manages to focus on a real problem
MigsFlecha said...
Jun. 23, 2012 at 9:14 pm
Love it! Great little piece of writing. I am very glad to see young people are still reading J. Swift's essay!
TheKing This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jan. 19, 2011 at 1:14 am
This was great, just great. You pulled off the sarcasm perfectly... this is an excellent example of extreme proposals for not-so-extreme problems, and how people draw mistaken conclusions from misleading evidence. While I'm not sure what your true view on this subject is, let me just say it was a real pleasure to read this
earlybird_8 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 15, 2010 at 11:38 pm
And let's not forget, with Mexico a smoking wreck full of resentful enslaved individuals, we'll all be going to the Bahamas for our vacations and spending our money there, which means that this strategy will have an international economic benefit!
BlueberryPoptartHasAnAmazinglyLongScreenname said...
May 18, 2010 at 3:16 pm
It was late when I read this, and I thought this was either fantastic, or that you were a raving lunatic. The former is true. Fantastic job!
Santiago said...
Apr. 26, 2010 at 4:17 pm
Is this a joke?  I appreciate your journalistic objectivity and use of facts and data (sarcasim).  I am literally speechless and frankly, too tired after reading the first two paragraphs to actually comment on the utter stupidity of the claim and the ignorance attached to the argument.  The only positive is that if you are at all a representation of the anti-immigration conservative voice, this argument will be incredibly easy to win.  Keep up the good work, only next time tr... (more »)
Daniel L. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Apr. 27, 2010 at 5:24 am
I am sorry you misunderstood the purpose of the piece. If the tone and the title were not enough to tell you the piece is satirical, perhaps the fact that I say it is based off Swifts essay by the same name. It is called A MODEST PROPOSAL and is quite old but extremely powerful (not to mention how famous it is). So make sure you are culturaly literate next time you pass judgement on something.
thomase479 replied...
Aug. 26, 2010 at 11:08 am
Unfortunately, this is the risk you accept upon writing a satirical piece... that your audience will not be educated enough to receive it as intended. This is undoubtedly why Swift's target audience was the Irish government and people of the upper classes... If his "modest proposal" had fallen into the hands of the impovershed, there is a significant chance they may have taken it literally, god forbid! :-D
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