When I drove down the road tonight with tears burning down my cheeks and the lights from other cars bleeding into the white lines I came to thinking. Why do I do this to myself? How come I spend endless nights crying over things that don't matter? I try to blame all my problems on loneliness. I try to say that I would be so much happier if I had someone to laugh with and listen to me. But maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe this loneliness I have is a product of the hate I have for myself. Because night after night I blame it on everyone and everything else and what gets the tears flowing isnt that no one is there to listen to me cry. Its because I have no reason to cry. Its because I don't know why I cry or why I hate every inch of myself but yet here it is. I wish I could be happy because I'm tired of being depressed and feeling completely hopeless. I want to feel like things will get better but i'm always in my own way to throw myself down the stairs. I’ve heard people say that suicide doesn't end sadness it prevents happiness from ever occurring. But i'm tired of waiting for it and i'm tired wanting it so badly and i'm tired of waiting for someone to come save me and tell me everything's okay. Because even if I get that I know deep down its not okay and if it hasn't been okay for this long how could it ever be okay? I guess hate and love do come from the same side of the brain; because just like love you can never really unhate someone. I'm just trying to get over that that someone is me.
April 24, 2013