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The Man Who Owns a Hoe and Other Downright Dirty…Gardening Tools

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Irene, mother of two at the age of nineteen, bursts angrily through the door of her oceanfront California mansion. This residence, which was funded by her uber rich parents, serves as the hangout spot for some of her many fabulously fabulous friends and some of their many fabulously fabulous affairs, mishaps, and just plain old screw-ups. She begins feverishly arguing with another girl in the premise, throwing her limbs about in quite a fury.
As voices rise to new heights the topic of discussion becomes quite clear; as clear as the many pieces of crystal finery which the girls intend to throw at each other. Apparently, Margaret slept with Jimmy (who is the father of Irene’s child). Jimmy also, during the two days which he had amnesia, slept with Lisa (Irene’s sister), Jordan, Hannah, Britney, Leslie, and Luanne (Irene’s mother). The poor, baffled Jimmy, who still was not feeling the love, then somehow wound up sleeping with Fabio – but that’s another story.
As Irene and Margaret argue, Sam and his twin sister Samantha jump into the Olympic sized swimming pool on the deck, scantily clad in their all natural garments. You see, Samantha, who has a gambling problem, had gotten into a spot of trouble with a very powerful loan shark. Sam, in making sure that his sister did not get hurt in any way, killed that loan shark. And his flunkies. And his sponsors. And his grandmother. This little swim was in celebration of their victory. For now, Samantha was debt free. Do another victory lap Sam – you deserve it.

Elsewhere, as the woman who lost her job drinks herself into a slump and the forty-year old widow commits suicide, the man with the boss fetish is saving his job by utilizing his favorite method. Then, a loving family lovingly plants 42 microchips into the brain of their baby, and the tough blonde artist drops out of college while the fraternity boys throw beer on each other.
An unwilling psychic accidentally conjures up the ghost of the loan shark, who then drowns Samantha in the very pool which she was swimming in, right then, and right there. The ER people try their best to revive her, but House keeps letting his mysterious past get in the way. Rico, the hot Latino pool boy, lies stomach down on a lawn chair and flexes his gluts in a very sincere attempt to soothe the grieving ladies of the household. At Samantha’s funeral, the residing minister, Ryan Seacrest, assures the audience that if only they had voted for their favorite, she would still be there.

Soap operas; we’ve all heard of them - watched a variation of them at one point or another. What makes them so alluring to us? Is it the passion, the excitement, or the fact that they are so far from reality that we need a Paris Hilton mindset to understand them?
One of the things that TV shows blatantly display everyday is an impeccable example of immaturity. Usually, the inappropriate behavior centers around those of the cast who are in their late teens to their early thirties. These characters are often reckless, thoughtless, over-emotional, and imposing – Potent presence included. So, tell me; what does society think of this?
“That’s hot.”
Every time we pick up the remote and turn the tube on, we are being brainwashed. The media and common everyday occurrences have had America, and the rest of the world, convinced that ‘young people’ are naturally not as responsible or ‘adult like’ as, well, adults. Instead of the college experience being looked at as a learning experience; a chance to broaden your horizons and fertilize your ever-growing intellect, college is now known as the party years of a person’s life.
There do indeed tend to be plenty of very studious young’ens out there, but it would appear that the few bad ones offset the good. The result of this intellectual fallacy? We have stereotyped ourselves into a corner. There is now pressure to act out at those tender ages and be what is considered ‘normal.’ Vice versa for the adults of the household. They are the ones where the pressure is on to be as bland and mature as possible and to cover up any personality quirks they may have. Think about it; if a married forty year old man goes to a strip club it is considered grossly disloyal of him. If a twenty-two year old married man goes to one, the response is, “Well, he’s young. He still needs to explore and not feel glued to one person. Let him have his fun and don’t take it too seriously.” But, is this the right attitude to have?
People are now conforming their personalities and behavioral patterns to fit the widely excepted definition of themselves – stifling their creative and mental growth in the process. All because of a little word called ‘maturity’ and whether you’re supposed to be it or not. So, what is this…maturity?
According to ‘The Story Bin’
Maturity is the ability to control anger and settle differences without violence or destruction. Maturity is patience. It is the willingness to pass up immediate pleasure in favor of the long-term gain……Maturity is the capacity to face unpleasantness and frustration, discomfort and defeat, without complaining or collapse. Maturity is humility. It is being big enough to say, “I was wrong.” And, when right, the mature person need not experience the satisfaction of saying, “I told you so.”
Maturity is the ability to make a decision and stand by it. The immature spend their lives exploring endless possibilities; then they do nothing.
Maturity means dependability, keeping one’s word, coming through in a crisis. The immature are masters of the alibi. Their lives are a maze of broken promises, former friends, unfinished business, and good intentions that never materialize.
Maturity is the art of living in peace with that which we cannot change, the courage to change that which should be changed – and the wisdom to know the difference.


Is it just me, or does the exact description of the immature fit ‘The Desperate Housewives’? We, as a unit, must learn to differentiate the true reality from the simulated one. And then (and only then) will we feel comfortable in our own skin…enough to act the way we want to. Not to act the way that we’ve been swayed towards. My solution? Don’t believe everything you see on MTV.


‘Zyras Electric’ gives us a rather caustic and colorful editorial based the famous saying of “Act your age.” By examining both sides of the age stereotype we can more clearly begin to understand just what is going on behind the gears of our brain.
The first point is, why should you have to conform to some kind of stereotype that doesn’t fit how you really are inside? Also, what makes society assume teenagers have a monopoly for being outrageous or rebellious? It wasn’t so bad in the mythical 1960s when there might have been some truth in the notion. But now (2001), if you meet a fogy, chances are it won’t be an old fogy but a young fogy, as now there are some people who the government/authority have succeeded in brainwashing into being conformist. Bizarre as it may seem, some parents have been oddly finding their teenage offspring are cramping their style by being too normal and too stuffy, and telling them to behave. What is the world coming to when you are expected to tow the line by people who think they are better then you just because they are older/younger?! Well, you don’t have to do what they tell you. You can rebel and live your own life the way you want! You name it. If you wear clothes that younger people think are too young for you, do it! If you are considering that you might dye your hair, do it! And if you want to do a degree course in something really clever, do it! They can’t stop you, you know. And the Internet? Not just for the young. Take a look at Fifth Moon and 50Connect – both of which are internet for the over-50s. “Oh no, I couldn’t do that – I’m too old!” – you hear some people say. Don’t you believe it!


Though whoever wrote that acerbic little editorial sounds like an extremist, they have the right idea. We are all trapped within our own ages and how we’re supposed to act. Do I sound like a 15-year old right now? If not, then good. That means I’m doing my job. A dramatist was once heard to say “Act all ages.” Personally, I find this saying more fit than the former.

So put away the tanning oil, tell the high heels to hit the high road, and put on some practicality. Act the way you and only you want to. Don’t be influenced, swayed, or conform to the common way. After all, ‘self’ is the most flattering fit.
One of the titles of shows that you may find that fits the theme to a capital ‘T’ is ‘The Young and the Restless.’ And, though we’ve all seen the episode where Neil asks Ines to come with him to the hospital so that Dru and her doctor can see that she’s not a figment of Dru’s imagination, we forget to take it to heart. The same thing could happen to any one of us as soon as tomorrow. That’s right! Our very own Dru in our lives could soon deem us to be an imaginary friend!

And, I believe Ryan to be a good minister. Really- I do! I would just…prefer not to have any commercial breaks at my funeral. Oh; and stay away from sexy gardeners…and their hoes.





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