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Eric Elapsed, Eric Passing By

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"And you are anything but invisible."

Is there really any way to explain why you feel passionate about something? How you can stand the struggle and all the backwards steps? How you keep trying even though the results are translucent? Maybe it's that all the steps you've taken, forwards or backwards, they mean something to you. Maybe it isn't the direction of the stepping at all. Might it be how the steps are taken or why you chose to take that step, what pushed you. It could also be that one step doesn't matter, or even two, as long as you can see what's in front of you. As long as you haven't lost sight of your goal, maybe the time span is irrelevant. Just the sight is enough.

After processing all this mess into my brain, I realize that Eric isn't a goal. He's a person. Wasting your goals on nouns is selfish and narrow-minded. And with goals you have a chance of failure. With Eric there's not even a sense of a kickoff. It's like I'm sitting on on the bench of a very important soccer game, and there's no way I'll even have the chance to get on the field. If I never get on the field I can never get a goal. And now we're back to goals again! This is frustrating.

I guess it's just that he's so important. Exceptionally unreal, as it were, he's practically paramount to anything else going on in my head.

Eric is very unsafe spending so much time on my mind. Too man things go on in there. Sometimes it feels like I misread him on purpose, just so my brain will have something to do for a while. My ignorant brain likes to hope something will happen some day. Or is that my ignorant heart?

My brain and my heart; they're like the devil and the angle fighting inside me.

My brain: "Sweetie, he don't like you. Leave the poor boy alone! He has so much to deal with right now. Not to mention his girlfriend, honey! And if anything ever did happen, doll, you would always be worried about other girls. He's too good for you and you know he has better options. Nothing is going to happen, so don't worry your little head! Leave the poor boy alone and stop being selfish. Be ready for disappointment"

My heart: "Look! Look at what he just said! Girl, he likes you! Finally. I've been sweating my eyes out in here to get a good look at that screen. I see how you feel for him. Make a move honey! Dance your little booty over to him and show him how much you care. You'll regret it if you don't! This boy is too good to pass up. Look how you two connect! Two pieces to the same puzzle, I'd say. Be smart! Be quick! Be ready!"


If I had Eric, it would eliminate the need for love all together. I could just be chill, and for once I could just be happy.

"Eliminate the faucet, Eliminate the need for water."

My brain made some good points. There's really nothing I can do. I've given myself away once again, and piece by piece I am beginning to disappear. Slipping and sliding away, I'm not sure how much more I can take. Before you know it I'll have given him my last piece, my last remaining solid part of me. How can you tell when enough is enough? When you only have the tiniest of particles left to trade. Then comes the real decision: Are you willing to risk it, or do you lock that slice inside you, forever shutting away what means the most?

"And you are anything but invisible."

Maybe right now, but soon enough you're sure to watch me fade away, becoming a vague memory of someone just shy of being significant.





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