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Divided

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Divided
Summary:

You're being held captive. Your enemy is ruthless, determined to get the information you know. You are determined as well- don't tell him a word, don't say anything. You cannot give up.







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This book has 17 comments. Post your own now!

wolvesandwildernessThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Apr. 2 at 1:29 pm
Wow. Thank you; this was extraordinarily helpful. I really do appreciate this. I cannot find how to edit this, only how to remove or add chapters, so I will make these changes in my own copy. Again, thank you for taking the time and being so thorough. The reason I chose second person was because it makes it easier to slip into someone's skin- for example, when profilers try to put themselves in a criminal's shoes, they often address them directly: "You did this" or "You were angry; you lost con... (more »)
 
addictwithapenThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 2 at 12:33 pm
Overall: I’ll admit I was a bit wary when I saw that this was written in the second person. I have nothing against second person POV, other than that it is often done poorly and inconsistently. However, you did a good job with it. While the premise of this story (being held captive and tortured) has been done many times, you made yours a bit different with the twist at the end and by including the mental aspect of torture as well as the physical aspect. The thoughts of the “you” in the st... (more »)
 
addictwithapenThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 2 at 12:32 pm
10. Nice twist at the end. Most readers probably would not expect the story to the taking place in the U.S.. Notes: + Delete “one last time”. It’s a cliché and the sentence is better without it.
 
addictwithapenThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 2 at 12:31 pm
9. The description of “your” feelings about the betrayal in the first paragraph is good. Notes: + Change the dash after “insolent” to “but”.
 
addictwithapenThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 2 at 12:31 pm
8. Notes: + Replace “them” in the first sentence with “the person” or something similar that is singular. + Remember the em dash
 
addictwithapenThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 2 at 12:30 pm
7. Using emotion to torture the captives is an interesting addition. It breaks the pattern of physical torture and adds dimension to the story. Notes: + Remember the em dash.
 
addictwithapenThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 2 at 12:30 pm
6. Making “He smiles” its own paragraph was a good choice. It neatly foreshadows the upcoming torture by betrayal. Notes: + Change “stamped on their features” to “stamped on his features” to maintain the singular. + Remember the em dash.
 
addictwithapenThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 2 at 12:28 pm
5. Your description of “your” thoughts is intriguing. The repetition of “I’m next” and “They talked” adds to the sense of panicked monotony. Notes: + Remember the em dash.
 
addictwithapenThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 2 at 12:28 pm
4. I like the use of the word “procedure”. It continues the metaphor of the enemy as a surgeon. Notes: + Moving the “all” in the sentence “Yet it’s surprising that with almost eight billion of them all, they have similar fears.” to read “Yet it’s surprising that with almost eight billion of them, they all have similar fears.” would improve flow.
 
addictwithapenThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 2 at 12:27 pm
3. Good description. Notes: + Remember to use the em dash instead of a hyphen.
 
addictwithapenThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 2 at 12:27 pm
2. I like the alternation between “your” point of view and that of the enemy. The comparison between the enemy and a surgeon is well done. Notes: + Change the “someone” in “to beat it out of someone” to “a person” to avoid repetition. + Consider adding a comma after “the one inflicting pain”, but it’s not strictly necessary. + Spaces between all paragraphs + Consider making the last sentence of the last paragraph (“But he’s had practice.”) into its own paragraph. I... (more »)
 
addictwithapenThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 2 at 12:25 pm
1. Nice beginning. The second paragraph is particularly strong. Notes: - Change “aiding” in the first paragraph to “aided”. - Don’t use a hyphen (-) for anything other than a hyphenated word. Within a sentence use an em dash (—), which can be obtained by pressing and holding the ALT key and then 0151. Do not put any spaces around the em dash. - Make sure there are spaces between all paragraphs. If you were to print this out, you would indent the paragraphs instead of spacing betwee... (more »)
 
wolvesandwildernessThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jan. 29 at 1:42 pm
Thank you. I'll definitely take this into account.
 
valkyrie1212This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jan. 29 at 5:08 am
Chapter 10: Very nice ending. The whole book was quite chilling. Again, the grammar and spelling etc are great. Your use of imagery was excellent - it made me feel, which means job well done! I found that at the end of every chapter, your last sentence was always similar to a punchline. It works sometimes, but not for every single one. It also gets a little tiring to read, and I half expected one everytime I clicked on a new chapter. Also, (if you have the time) maybe you could try rewriting th... (more »)
 
valkyrie1212This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jan. 29 at 4:54 am
Chapter 5: And here we take that familiar walk up to the top of the climax hill. Let's see what surprises we'll find at the peak! :) good chapter, there are some things I might point out but I'll just finish the book to see how it ties together :)
 
valkyrie1212This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jan. 29 at 4:47 am
This is like my first time I've actually used this site, so I didn't know that all comments will be shown on every chapter! I apologise, if I find something exceptional/to improve, I'll name the Chapter.
 
valkyrie1212This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jan. 29 at 4:43 am
The use of the 'second person' point of view provided a nice start to the book. I was a little unsure at the start because I felt the first two paragraphs dragged out a little too much, but after reading the whole chapter, that intro started to feel like more of a foundation, which is good. Not sure if that's what you were aiming for, but it was good. I liked how it slowly slips into the action, the suspense. The grammar, spelling, all that jazz - great. The end of the chapter was really well do... (more »)
 

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