Thief, Book 1: War | Teen Ink

Thief, Book 1: War

April 15, 2012
By AddictedToWriting BRONZE, La Grande, Oregon
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AddictedToWriting BRONZE, La Grande, Oregon
3 articles 5 photos 124 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Writer's Block is when your characters get fed up with all you put them through and go on strike." -- Anonomous
"A Writer is someone for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people."--Thomas Mann


Author's note: Some people may have read the first eight or so chapters of Now You See It (Working Title) and recognize the names Zalika and Seth. That's because these are those characters. I was having certain...issues with the plot of NYSI and I got sick of working within the restraints of our world, so I revamped the story. In case you're curious, this is kind of a pimped-up version of what the sequel to NYSI would have been.

The author's comments:
This chapter has a lot of potential for cheese. I've been told (by guys mostly) that it toes the line, but doesn't quite cross into Cheez-Wiz territory. I want your opinions. Is this chapter good? If not, how can I improve it?

9th of Duben, yr. 1062
“Seth!”
He doesn’t respond, he simply lifts his hands from where he’d instinctively put them against his abdomen and stares blankly at the thick red liquid dripping from them. Then, slowly, he looks at me in childlike shock, then back down at the left side of his stomach, which is now splurting blood.
“Seth! No! Keep pressure on that!” I take his hands and place them back over the wound. The moment I touch him, his knees give out. He would have dropped straight to the hard rock ground if I hadn’t caught him, and as it was, his dead weight sends us both ungracefully down. I wiggle out from under him as gently as I can. He’s looking at his hands again. I decide that having him hold the wound is a lost cause and rip a good sized chunk off the bottom of my shirt, wad it up, and do my best to keep the blood inside his body, where it belongs.
“Seth, stay with me. Talk to me.”
His eyes shift from his hands and take a moment to focus on me. He doesn’t say anything, but reaches one dripping hand out to brush the hair from my face, leaving a warm wet streak across my nose and cheekbone. On instinct, I pull my face away. He looks confused for a moment before his eyes roll back in his head and he goes limp.
“Seth!” I look up, searching for anyone who might still be here. “Help! Someone help!” The screams are turning my throat raw. Suddenly, a raspy voice catches my attention,
“Za…” I look down. Seth is awake, staring at me intently, not zoned out anymore. “Why is there blood on your face?”
I laugh weakly, my eyes tearing up a little with relief. “It’s yours, goofball.”
“Hm?” He looks down at his hands and stomach. “Oh yeah, I guess that would make sense. What happened?”
“Worry about that later. Can you heal this?
He grimaces and shakes his head, grunting a negative. “It’s bad to start with, and blood loss isn’t helping my concentration any.”
I nod. That wasn’t unexpected. “I’ll get you some help.” I take a breath to shout again, but he stops me.
“Za, I need to tell you something.” Sudden urgency is written on every feature of his face.
“You can tell me later,” I say softly, “When this is stitched up and you’ve got a couple more pints of blood in you.”
He shakes his head. “Za, this is bad, “ he gestures to the blood soaked fabric in my hands, “if something happens—if I—”
“Don’t even talk like that. You’ll be fine.”
“Listen to me! I’m getting dizzier by the second, and if I fall asleep again, I might not wake up.” He looks at me severely. I shut up. “And I will not die without ever telling you.”
“Telling me what?” He doesn’t say anything, but struggles to sit up. “Seth!”
“I’m fine.” He grumbles, then stares at me for a moment before putting his hand against my face. The glistening wet is cool now.
“What are you—?”
He cuts me off again, but not by talking. He pulls himself up to me and kisses me full on the mouth. I don’t even know how to react, so I just freeze up and sit there.
He holds for a second or two, before the footsteps of the long-overdue Medics I’d shouted for what seemed like forever ago became audible, then he pulls away, his eyes closed.
“Sorry,” he mutters, then he’s out. I sit in shock and hold him where we are until the Medics arrive and get him on a stretcher. I follow them out in a bit of a daze. My mouth feels wet. I test it with the collar of my shirt, where Seth hasn’t had a chance to bleed on yet.
The cloth comes away red.

The author's comments:
NYSI readers, how do you like the new Zalika?

23rd of Unor, yr. 1064
She has blue eyes.
God, they know I don’t do blue eyes.
Damnit.
I close my eyes and sigh. Blue-eyes has herself pushed into a corner. Idiot.
“Where do you think you’re going?” I ask through my teeth, “through an inch and a half of glass and down five stories? From what I understand, your abilities don’t include flying.”
She gulped nervously, but stayed where she was. The moron! The door was ten feet behind me! From what I heard, she was a formidable opponent; she could at least try to fight her way out.
She’s whimpering now. It’s actually starting to get annoying.
I avoid looking at her blue eyes as I walk towards her; I’ll have to look at them eventually, but the longer I can put that off, the better.
I kneel down to her, grab her wrist, take a deep breath, and look straight into her eyes, trying to pretend they were any color but blue. “Honestly,” I said under my breath, “I really, really hoped you would try and fight back. I don’t want to have to do this.”
Her eyes widen, and for a moment, she looks hopeful, like I’m going to just let her go.
“But, unfortunately, you didn’t, and I can’t have you telling around that the infamous Zalika is going soft.” I grip her wrist tightly. It probably hurts. Her eyes lock on mine, and I know she can’t look away. My green eyes are likely the last things she’ll ever see.
A moment of focus and her energy fills me like a wildfire. I wasn’t expecting so much energy from such a meek person, and the surprise almost breaks my focus, which would not have been good for me. Another second of fire, then the ice cold shiver that comes with a newly acquired ability, and it’s over. I should break eye contact then, while my focus is diverted, but I don’t. It’s a useless habit really, I mean, dead people don’t know the difference, but it’s never felt right to just kill someone and walk off without a second glance. I always take a moment to really look at them, memorize their face, and I usually brush their eyes closed before leaving them.
So it isn’t until the sight of her glassy blue eyes has already unleashed a wave of unwelcome memories that I realize my mistake. S*** s*** s***! I need to get away from her. From those eyes. My head is spinning, and my only vaguely focused eyes are feeding me a vision of a shiny-around-the-edges room. Those eyes. They’re just like—no. No.
Vaguely, I feel a shoot of pain in my tailbone as I drop to the ground. It’s hard to get a good breath. There’s not enough Oxygen in here. It’s hot in here. Really hot. Too hot. I need air! There’s not enough air in here! My stomach lurches, and a warm feeling rises in my throat. Now there’s a foul taste in my mouth and nose. My throat hurts. My stomach hurts, too. Now it’s hard to see. It’s not hot anymore, now it’s a kind of numby cold. Sitting up like I am really uncomfortable. If I just lay down…

My right arm is asleep. My skin is sticky with cold sweat and my hair is clinging to it. My mouth tastes absolutely disgusting and my sinuses burn. Using my left arm to avoid the painful pins-and-needles, I push myself up—slowly. I don’t want to pass out again—and take stock of the room. What was this morning’s breakfast is sitting in a puddle in front of my face, but by some miracle my clothes and most of my face and hands are free of the vile-smelling stuff. The girl is slumped in the corner where I left her earlier. And there she’ll stay. It’s not worth going over there to put her in a more dignified position.
I sit for a few slightly vague minutes until most of the dizziness has passed and stand up.
There’s gonna be Hell to pay for the higher-ups when I get back. I don’t do blue eyes.
Oh well. What’s done is done. Her ability is going to come in handy, I think I’ll keep a good chunk of it when the higher-ups make me hand it over.
I know that her ability is the reason they pegged me for this job, despite my adamancy on the eye color issue. She was a teleporter—one of the rarest abilities on the world, second only to mine. Had Chandler, the other Theif, tried to take her down, she would’ve just popped out of there, or worse. With that energy of hers, she could have reversed the Theft, leaving him dead, and her with not only all the abilities he had stolen and kept, but also with the ability to Steal. If the Old Government got ahold of that kind of power, they’d tear the New Government to shreds.
Normally after a gig, I’d Hail a Cab and spend ten awkward minutes in a car full of Men in Black-esque agents. But luckily, abilities always come with innate instructions, so I can avoid the awkwardness. I’m glad for Dead Girl’s energy now. I’m a little shakey still. Her energy reservoir is easy enough to tap, and the wildfire fills me once more, and with newfound vivacity, I focus on the shiny new ability in the corner of my mind. A blink later, I’m standing in the Met, NG headquarters.
“Zalika!” exclaims a voice behind me, “I see you were successful.” A light chuckle, “You nearly made me spill my coffee!” I wheel around and send my fist straight into Callum’s nose, grinning as I feel it shatter. He stumbles to the ground, dropping his precious coffee. It’s a good thing it’s one o’ clock in the morning, because if people were here, I would have a lot harder of a time getting away with that kind of crap.
“Goddanmit, Za.” He’s not chuckling now. He sighs, placing his thumb and index finger on his nose and grimacing a moment later as the cartilage repairs itself. “These were new slacks.”
I ignore his whining. It’s not like the stains are permanent. “I thought I made it clear that I don’t do blue eyes.”
He sighs as he picks himself up from the floor, “Za, you understand why it had to be you. Chandler couldn’t have kept her in the room. Never mind the energy required for this. What were we supposed to do?” He sighs, “And anyway, how long do you expect to keep this up? You can’t keep refusing to do your job just to avoid seeing blue eyes.”
I roll my eyes. “What are you going to do? Fire me? Send me on my way and have only Chandler to do your dirty work? How long do you think NG would last if I wasn’t around?”
He starts to make what he probably thinks is a clever remark, but stops suddenly, and starts staring critically at my face. I’m wondering what he’s looking at before I realize that I never bothered to wipe the sweat off my face and comb out my hair. Crap.
“Zalika…my God.”
“It’s nothing,” I say gruffly, pulling strands of hair off my sticky face. “Mind your own business.”
“Goddammit, Za! This” he gestures to my disheveled self, “is not nothing. This is a big freaking deal. And what brought this on? Blue eyes? What if you have to fight hand-to-hand with a blue-eyed opponent someday? What’ll you do then? You can’t do this to yourself!”
“It’s none of your business!” I say, maybe a little louder than necessary. “I can take care of myself. I know how to deal with this.”
“No you don’t know how to deal with this! If you knew how to deal with this, it wouldn’t be happening anymore. For God’s sake, it’s been two years!” He shakes his head, making that stupid ‘I’m just completely at a loss of words at your utter stupidity’ face that adults are so fond of making. He stays that way for a moment, then looks back up at me. “Please,” he says, his voice softer now, “Get some help. Please—”
I roll my eyes. I knew that was coming. I’m turning to walk away when he grabs my shoulder and stops me. That I don’t find amusing. I shoot him a glare that clearly lists all the things I could—and would—do to that hand if he left it where it was.
He pays it no heed, “Listen to me, Zalika!” He grabs my other shoulder and holds me so that I can’t turn away. In most areas, I’m so much stronger than Callum that it’s pathetic. But when it comes to brute strength, I don’t have a chance against him. “There’s no shame in asking for help. A terrible thing happened to you. You deserve to—”
I’m done listening to him. I focus my energy on my arms where his hands are gripping. In an instant, they’re hot as a cake pan fresh out of the oven. As I expect, he pulls his hands away in shock. I take the opportunity to turn and run. Once I’m a reasonable distance away, I make use of my new ability to blink out of the room and Callum’s line of sight.



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This book has 7 comments.


ShadowRealms said...
on May. 1 2012 at 6:40 pm
If you were going for the whole no fancy words thing, then you did a great job! And yes, now I am less confused. :) upload more please I am excited to see how this book turns out!

on May. 1 2012 at 3:23 pm
AddictedToWriting BRONZE, La Grande, Oregon
3 articles 5 photos 124 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Writer's Block is when your characters get fed up with all you put them through and go on strike." -- Anonomous
"A Writer is someone for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people."--Thomas Mann

Yay!  The author's notes DO get read!!  And yes, this is an absolute first draft.  :D

Okay.  Thank you for telling me that, as I was definitely concerned about cheese.  If it helps any, the romance is not a central theme in the book.  Really, it was just supposed to be an added issue.

 

Okay, to the second note:  I guess the best I can say here is that people do weird things when they're injured.  It's not the same, I know, but I've seen people come out of surgery and go from loopy to unconscious to completely there back to unconscious again.  So I guess I kind of based this off those experiences.  It's good to know that it seems unrealistic, though.  I'll have to go back and do what I can to make that less of an issue.

 

Thanks!!!


on May. 1 2012 at 3:18 pm
AddictedToWriting BRONZE, La Grande, Oregon
3 articles 5 photos 124 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Writer's Block is when your characters get fed up with all you put them through and go on strike." -- Anonomous
"A Writer is someone for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people."--Thomas Mann

Haha I'm glad you like it.  Yeah, I was toying with the idea of labeling the first chapter as a "prologue", but as I plan on doing more flashback chapters like that one, I was afraid it would mess withthe flow.  If you looked (and this is more obvious in the original format) you can see that the second chapter takes place two years after the first.   Does that knowledge make it less confusing?  Or do I need to do more with it?

 

Spicing up the words?  Maybe.  As I said in my comment on your book, I tend to prefer plain words.  And that applys especially for Zalika's voice as I don't see her as having a particularly extensive vocabulary.  Maybe in dialogue from other characters, if I switch POVs, or in some of the more descriptive passages I'll use more specific words.  I'm glad to know that the lack of fancy words is noticable, though.  I'll keep that in mind from now on.

 

 Thanks!!


on May. 1 2012 at 3:13 pm
AddictedToWriting BRONZE, La Grande, Oregon
3 articles 5 photos 124 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Writer's Block is when your characters get fed up with all you put them through and go on strike." -- Anonomous
"A Writer is someone for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people."--Thomas Mann

Thanks!  Yeah, I know.  Cheesiness is an issue.  If it makes you feel better, the romance is not really continued through the story.  :)

 

Okay, yeah.  I'm working on finding a balance right now.  Previously, I had an issue with sometimes spending too much energy on how a character was feeling and it created issues when it was time to re-enter the action.  So it's good to know that I've at least found the other extreme now.  I'll work on some more detail.

 

Thanks again!!!


on May. 1 2012 at 11:12 am
ScubaDiver GOLD, Billingham, Other
13 articles 0 photos 17 comments

Favorite Quote:
When Life gives you a hundred reasons to cry show life you have a thousand reasons to smile
Work Like you dont need the money love like you've never been hurt dance like theres no one in the room
You have enemies, good, that means you've fought for

Wow.. this is pretty good. It is slightly cheesy and I think you need to write more detail, maybe describe more how the character is feeling. Apart from that I like it. 

ShadowRealms said...
on May. 1 2012 at 10:47 am
I don't mind the cheese, to be honest. I LOVE love stories and this one stole my heart and kept a firm grip on it right from the start. I loved the hook, but I'm a bit confused. Was this like a prologue in a way? Or was it foreshadowing a part of the book later to come? Other than that I loved it, but some of your words could you spice up? Great job and I'm excited to read the next part! Keep uploading:)

Katsa08 SILVER said...
on May. 1 2012 at 10:03 am
Katsa08 SILVER, Sidney, Iowa
5 articles 0 photos 42 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Don't take yourself so seriously, no one else does."
"What others think of me is none of my business."

Alright, I read your author's note for this first chapter - how it borders on cheesy. I'm a girl, and you should know that romance isn't my cup o' tea, (I have it in my books, but twilight can go downstairs if you know what I mean) so I have to agree partly on the cheesiness. It's kind of hard to tell at first glance, but there are just a few issues I have with it.

1. It seems pretty generic. I've read romance novels before, and they all contain pretty much the same thing, and this scene has the potential to be really unique.

2. The characters seem to be trying a bit too hard to be "romantic" in this scene. If he's dying, I find it a little hard to believe that he could say so much to her. It's a little too... cute, I suppose.

Romance aside, I AM looking forward very much to reading the next chapter. I like your wording for the most part. It keeps it central and gets the feeling across nicely. I'm curious about these characters. Does he make it? What does she do if he doesn't? That sort of thing.

Overall, very well done. I look forward to reading more, and I can't wait to see what you do in later chapters. Is this a first draft? If so, it was FANTASTIC.