Empathy

January 12, 2012
By JasonBircea BRONZE, anaheim, California
JasonBircea BRONZE, Anaheim, California
1 article 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It wouldn't be so bad, doomsday. Death is something we have to face alone. But if we were all to burn together, than in a way, we'd be cheating death"(Jason Bircea).


Summary:

Julian, sick of his parent's fights, dashes out into the rainy night; still wearing his pajamas.

After being spotted by nineteen year old Nathan Fizz, Julian must decide betweeen going back to his broken family or to truly escape.

His decision will set in motion a series of events that will forever change the lives of Hollowwood's inhabitants.


Jason B.

Empathy


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This book has 4 comments.


on Jan. 22 2012 at 10:52 pm
Timekeeper DIAMOND, Cary, North Carolina
62 articles 0 photos 569 comments

Favorite Quote:
"A guy walks up to me and asks 'What's Punk?'. So I kick over a garbage can and say 'That's punk!'. So he kicks over a garbage can and says 'That's Punk'?, and I say 'No that's trendy'!"- Billie Joe Armstrong, Green Day

Okay, so you've got a lot of characters introduced in the prologue and first chapter alone, but you haven't told the reader enough about them to draw them in. You've got Ike, Mr. Shogi, Julian, and Shaun, but other than physical appearances nothing sets them apart yet. I realize that there is still plenty of room to develop the characters and flesh them out, but it might drag the story down if you have to take time away from the action to go back and characterize them. Oh, and a lot of your dialogue ends without punctuation, which is awkward to read. Other than those two things (one of which is easily fixable and the other will simply help the flow of the story as it continues) I was definitely interested in the concepts you were developing. I liked the introduction of Lucas, it was playful and humorous. You've done a good job of beginning to build a world for your characters to inhabit, and I want to see what you can do with it next.

on Jan. 16 2012 at 10:02 pm
Kvothe28 SILVER, Temecula, California
5 articles 0 photos 78 comments

Favorite Quote:
Excuse me while I prepare my impromptu remarks. -Winston Churchill

Tell it like it is, not how it was. -Jonathan

Break it down like a fine English double-gun. -R. Bitoni

Would you please read the first chapter of my novel So That Others May Live? Thank you

on Jan. 16 2012 at 7:55 pm
JasonBircea BRONZE, Anaheim, California
1 article 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It wouldn't be so bad, doomsday. Death is something we have to face alone. But if we were all to burn together, than in a way, we'd be cheating death"(Jason Bircea).

I truly appreciate your comment. I was starting to think no one would bother to comment on it and give me constructive criticism. So kudos! If there is anything you'd like me to review, feel free to ask.

on Jan. 16 2012 at 6:20 pm
Kvothe28 SILVER, Temecula, California
5 articles 0 photos 78 comments

Favorite Quote:
Excuse me while I prepare my impromptu remarks. -Winston Churchill

Tell it like it is, not how it was. -Jonathan

Break it down like a fine English double-gun. -R. Bitoni

I loved this. The story is detailed and very original. I forgot I was reading after awhile. I hope you post more soon.


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