Death's Assistants

March 18, 2011
By TheCreepyNeighbor BRONZE, Plymouth, Massachusetts
TheCreepyNeighbor BRONZE, Plymouth, Massachusetts
1 article 0 photos 34 comments

Favorite Quote:
You know my name. Not my story.


Summary:

What would happen if you could kill but just snapping your fingers? Desirae, Griffin, and Landon are about to find out. After they are kidnapped by the Soveriegn, a mysterious evil group and injected with their latest prototype, becoming the Soveriegns personal guinea pigs and assasins. Now they must choose between life or death for themselves, their families, and the world.


KATastrophe

Death's Assistants


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This book has 20 comments.


on Mar. 9 2012 at 6:19 am
LiteraryMastermind BRONZE, Graytown, Connecticut
1 article 0 photos 39 comments
I agree with The Creepy Neighbot on this one.

on May. 11 2011 at 5:14 pm
TheCreepyNeighbor BRONZE, Plymouth, Massachusetts
1 article 0 photos 34 comments

Favorite Quote:
You know my name. Not my story.

The hospital isn't mental itself, this isn't personification. He;s comparing it to a mental hospital.

SJ_101 said...
on May. 11 2011 at 5:00 pm
SJ_101, Somewhere, New York
0 articles 0 photos 170 comments
For that, you could have said, "The walls were white as if they were from the phys. ward." The way that you're saying it, sort of portrays that the hospital was mental.

on May. 11 2011 at 6:15 am
TheCreepyNeighbor BRONZE, Plymouth, Massachusetts
1 article 0 photos 34 comments

Favorite Quote:
You know my name. Not my story.

Thanks! Everything is really helpful except for where you talk about the mental hopsital white.

You know, like mental hopsital. . . pysch ward, etc.


SJ_101 said...
on May. 6 2011 at 8:40 pm
SJ_101, Somewhere, New York
0 articles 0 photos 170 comments

Hi! I love these kinds of stories. :) I love your writing style, and the way you wrote your story.

 

Lemme tell you, the details were just awesome. A little too awesome, hmm? Yep! I felt like the descriptions definitely overpowered the beautiful story you had in mind. Yes, that's the same mistake I do.

 

Also, I noticed a pattern in your writing. After the word "said", you add a description.

For example, you wrote, "I said, her eyes telling me she already knew the answer." I hope you understand what I mean. Y'know, you write a description after the word, "said." It makes the writing a little too . . . well, it makes it seem as if you're trying too hard.

 

Your descriptions overpowered the story, like I said before. I felt lost and confused sometimes. It took me a moment to catch up.

 

Another thing: after Desirae faints in the first chapter, you wrote, "I was in an unconscious downfall." I feel you could've left that out.

 

What else? Hmm . . . oh, yeah! Your use of words was beautiful, but at times, they didn't make sense. For example, you wrote, ". . . the walls were a mental hospital white."

Hospitals aren't exactly mental. I'm sure you didn't mean to say that, though!

 

Overall, it was great! I loved it so much! I want to read more. Just be more "free" with your writing style. Again, this is another mistake I tend to make. :)

 

Please don't feel disheartened. I loved it! Plus, this story seems to be a big hit. Keep writing! :D


on Apr. 20 2011 at 7:25 am
TheCreepyNeighbor BRONZE, Plymouth, Massachusetts
1 article 0 photos 34 comments

Favorite Quote:
You know my name. Not my story.

One more. The three main characters switch POV's.

on Apr. 19 2011 at 10:25 pm
Timekeeper DIAMOND, Cary, North Carolina
62 articles 0 photos 569 comments

Favorite Quote:
"A guy walks up to me and asks 'What's Punk?'. So I kick over a garbage can and say 'That's punk!'. So he kicks over a garbage can and says 'That's Punk'?, and I say 'No that's trendy'!"- Billie Joe Armstrong, Green Day

Awesome new chapter, I'm looking forward to more. How many different protagonists are going to get the first person treatment?

The only complaint I really have is that the word dark is used to frequently as an adjective, or at least too close to itself in succession.  Other than that though, it's a sweet novel.


on Apr. 14 2011 at 3:15 pm
SirChadington SILVER, Bird-in-Hand, Pennsylvania
5 articles 0 photos 9 comments
I really like this! Keep up the amazing work!

on Apr. 11 2011 at 2:30 pm
TheCreepyNeighbor BRONZE, Plymouth, Massachusetts
1 article 0 photos 34 comments

Favorite Quote:
You know my name. Not my story.

Thank you! It was good to get some constructive critism. I will be putting those in use.

on Apr. 11 2011 at 10:19 am
Midnight_Hum SILVER, Hearne, Texas
5 articles 0 photos 48 comments
I want to say first, that I like the idea of killing people by the snapping of fingers.  I think that is clever and has never been done before (at least, I have never heard it). It is hard to tell you exactly what I think because this is only the first chapter, so the characters aren't super developed yet. You didn’t shy off being descriptive, but I felt that you were a little TOO descriptive.  In all of the best stories, you FEEL the characters, not just see them.  I felt like you crammed too much visual information in not enough space, and you didn’t leave room for emotion.  It is the small things that make a character.      And instead of just saying that the main character, Desirae, was a ‘smarta.s.s’ and didn’t like people, show it.  That way, the character comes more alive.

TeaganOlivia said...
on Apr. 9 2011 at 9:09 pm
TeaganOlivia, Someplace, Michigan
0 articles 0 photos 81 comments

Favorite Quote:
Today is Yesterday's Tomorrow.
Certainty of death, small chance of success... What are we waiting for? :D ♥
Pippin: "Anyways you need people of intelligence on this sort of...mission. Quest. Thing."
Merry: "Well that rules you out Pip," :D ♥
There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the other."
---Douglas Everett

Wow!! Great character development. I feel like I already know your characters!! You have an amazing talent with description and character development, keep up the good work!!

~Artemis

P.S. Is Liam her older brother?


on Apr. 5 2011 at 1:25 pm
lucybrown SILVER, Blacksburg, Virginia
7 articles 0 photos 112 comments

Favorite Quote:
The wastebasket is a writer's best friend. ~Isaac Bashevis Singer

First things first, but not necessarily in that order. ~ From Doctor Who

Great job, your use of detail is excellent.  And there was also a lot of great foreshadowing, I just knew something bad was going to happen to her as I read.  Keep up the great work, It'd be cool to see what happens next!

on Apr. 4 2011 at 7:53 pm
ossiecastro5 PLATINUM, A Single Light In, New Jersey
39 articles 9 photos 68 comments

Favorite Quote:
I'm not saying anything, I'm just saying.

I liked it. It had so much detail, so much emotion.

AsIAm PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 4 2011 at 9:16 am
AsIAm PLATINUM, Somewhere, North Carolina
48 articles 3 photos 608 comments

Favorite Quote:
"According to some, heroic deaths are admirable things. (Generally those who don't have to do it. Politicians and writers spring to mind.) I've never been convinced by this argument, mainly because, no matter how cool, stylish, composed, unflappable, manly, or defiant you are, at the end of the day you're also dead. Which is a little too permanent for my liking." — Jonathan Stroud (Ptolemy's Gate)

This is really good Kat! I love the detail!  The only thing I would change is the narrative tone in the beginning - it seems like she's trying to explain and be mysterious at the same time.  Maybe show her mood through emotions and flashbacks, rather than telling about it. Just a thought. :) This is really good - I hope you continue!

Hotaru said...
on Apr. 2 2011 at 6:41 pm
Kat! You said this was disgraceful. Liar, liar pants on fire!! It was written very well. It had a nice flow and nothing confused me. I want to read more!!!!!!

on Mar. 31 2011 at 7:40 pm
JustAnotherOwl SILVER, Unknown, New York
6 articles 0 photos 379 comments

Favorite Quote:
"See, we don't really care who you are;
Everyone is capable of looking up and wishing on a star.
So catch it, so contagious, this day-dreamer's disease,
And hope can be your sword, slaying darkness with belief."

"Sanctuary"- Paradise Fears

This was really great! I'm glad I found it! The detail in the whole piece, especially when she's getting attacked, makes it very vivid and enjoyable. & I think that the guy's contrasting looks to what he does to her seems kind of fitting & unpredictable. Why does the guy have to look mean to be mean?

Anyway, great job & I'm really looking forward to the rest of it (especially with the Sovereign, since I know a bit about them now)! (:

 


on Mar. 23 2011 at 7:37 pm
Timekeeper DIAMOND, Cary, North Carolina
62 articles 0 photos 569 comments

Favorite Quote:
"A guy walks up to me and asks 'What's Punk?'. So I kick over a garbage can and say 'That's punk!'. So he kicks over a garbage can and says 'That's Punk'?, and I say 'No that's trendy'!"- Billie Joe Armstrong, Green Day

I'm really looking forward to the rest of the science fiction elements to come out in the later chapters--let me know when you update it!

The details and the flow of the first chapter really fit very nicely, it definitely has the "introductory" aspects to it.


SOLONG said...
on Mar. 23 2011 at 4:43 pm
SOLONG, Mitchell, South Dakota
0 articles 0 photos 54 comments

i like it...my only problem is that u switch back and forth from present to past tense! also I agree with arsenictruffle! when I read '...His contrasting chocolate brown eyes...' I thought...idk what I thought...but not that he would hurt her...when i think of chocolate I think loving, and kind! you should definately choose different adjectives! I like it though! Keep writing! :)

~Emmaline~


on Mar. 22 2011 at 12:03 pm
bekahtrib SILVER, Berwyn, Illinois
9 articles 0 photos 37 comments

Very nice. You're developing your characters quite well with very few words. I love the building suspense and the detail in which you describe the diner.

Minor critiques: "Big Bertha" is a little cliche. I know you're only at the beginning of this but I would consider another name. Also, (again very minor) when you describe the attacker, he has "chocolate brown eyes" and "peach lips." Chocolate and peaches convey a feeling of warmth that I am not sure you are trying to achieve in the description of this cold character. Consider different adjectives?

I want to read more! I hope you continue with this project, it has peaked my interest!

-Bekah


on Mar. 21 2011 at 2:54 pm
DaughteroftheTrumpet BRONZE, East Aurora, New York
2 articles 2 photos 214 comments

Favorite Quote:
Washington Irving once said “There is sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and of unspeakable love.”

this is a supenseful start, and it certinaly something that should be continued. i really liked the details, just enough to make it easy to understand but not so much that it hinders the story:) good job.


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