The Summer I Found Myself

December 2, 2010
By Anonymous

Summary:

We walked up the boardwalk and a few guys were coming down our way. There were three of them and they were our age, maybe a little bit older. When we got ready to pass them one of them stopped smiling and asked “Did it hurt?” I looked at him confused and asked “Did what hurt?”

“When you fell from heaven?” My face blushed immediately and Shelly started laughing so hard that I couldn’t help but join in.

“I’m Ayden, and this Jason and Carson.” The guy with the pickup like said.

Shelly stepped forward and introduced us.

“Where are you headed?” Ayden asked.

“To the restaurant down there.” I replied.

“Well, we were heading up to the beach, maybe we will see you around?” he smiled down at me and I replied “Yea, sure.”


Anonymous

The Summer I Found Myself


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This book has 89 comments.


on Dec. 13 2010 at 12:58 pm
atemperamentalsun PLATINUM, Nyack, New York
32 articles 3 photos 11 comments

Favorite Quote:
Any Bob Dylan quote, really.
Also...."Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you'll start missing everybody."-J.D. Salinger (The Catcher In The Rye)

So, I think this story definitely has potential! The plotline is a bit cliche, but you include things that aren't has cliche. However, you do make some grammatical erros. You also change tenses a lot, which can be confusing. I understand that this is a rough draft, but make sure you continue to edit your work!

The Writer said...
on Dec. 12 2010 at 1:51 pm
Thanks for the comments. But just to clear this up, This is my first book that I have ever written and Right now Im in the stage where I am literally trying to get everything out. I have not gone back and edited or anything like that. I thank you for the feedback. I appreciate that you took the time out to critique it. 

ShaSha said...
on Dec. 12 2010 at 1:43 pm
I def agree to the fullest extent. This book could be sooo much better if you went back and fixed it up. 

on Dec. 11 2010 at 3:32 pm
OfficialApprover PLATINUM, Orefield, Pennsylvania
48 articles 0 photos 1754 comments

Favorite Quote:
Grab life by the balls. -Slobberknocker
We cannot change the cards we're dealt just how we play the hand
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted
It's pretty easy to be smart when you're parroting smart people
-Randy Pausch

Hmm.

 

I've read the first chapter so far, and here are my thoughts:

 

The outcast MC.  Eh.  I'm sorry, it's a little bit overdone.  The MC that 'doesn't care about their appearance' and all that, they're 'not cool' and 'don't fit in' then they decide to be pretty and V.O.I.L.A guys like them.

 

I've just seen too much of that.

 

Telling not showing.  This is a problem.  A big rule of writing is 'show, don't tell'.  Don't TELL us her looks, and Shelby's looks, show us in context, don't just randomly insert it.

 

Be careful of plain word usage and repetition of words.  If we see the same words, such as 'cute' and the like, it'll seem very i.m.m.a.t.u.r.e/c.h.i.l.d.i.s.h.  Vary your word usage, and perhaps use the thesaurus s.i.t.e to find better, more mature words.

 

Make sure your dialogue tags are fitting, and that your dialogue punctuation is appropriate.  Most of the dialogue in just the first chapter is improperly punctuated.  As for the tags--just an example, but 'she scorned'?  It doesn't fit.   The way it's punctuated, it would be better as 'she scowled'.

 

Tense changing.  You change tense several times in this passage.  Sometimes present can be used in thoughts, but the places where it changes here aren't thoughts.  It seems the dominant one is past, so keep it all past.  No 'is's, like in the second paragraph.

 

Overall: I know I sound harsh, but I'm only trying to help your writing improve.  It's certainly  not bad writing--far from it.  I'd say this has a good amount of potential, just iron out the things I mentioned, and grammar in general.

 

Good luck, and keep writing.


on Dec. 10 2010 at 11:06 pm
lovelycheese GOLD, Cupertino, California
11 articles 0 photos 136 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you have something to do, then do it. You can't get wasted time back." ~Ben Carson.

I can see a lot of potential into this story. The plot is intriguing, but the characters aren't as developed. Bounce back their words in your head and think: Would they actually be saying this? The grammar and punctuation is a bit distracting here as well.

Overall, great story. I liked it a lot. Beautiful(:


on Dec. 10 2010 at 4:50 pm
DiamondsIntheGrass GOLD, Martinsville, New Jersey
14 articles 1 photo 279 comments

Favorite Quote:
Worry is simply a misuse of the imagination.

nice...intrigued... but what was the word 'summary' for in the begining? and somewhere in there i'm pretty sure there is a typo. 

on Dec. 9 2010 at 5:18 pm
It's very nice, I enjoyed it. Though would it bother you if I provided a few tips? Just for help making it even MORE proffesional. :) I think some of the sentences are good in detail but maybe a bit choppy? I think it might be a good idea to let the sentences run a bit more into a complete thought. But other than that, I really liked it and your grammar and use of language is quite nice. You have amazing potential as well as this story!

on Dec. 8 2010 at 5:16 pm
thewriteidea DIAMOND, Pleasanton, California
67 articles 0 photos 336 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Don't cry that it's over, smile because it has happened."

this is really good! you really captured me into the story by the first chapter. the only suggestion i have to make is to watch out for little punctuation errors. they can really throw off the reader!

check out my novel on here, too if you'd like like! keep writing!


lbr17 BRONZE said...
on Dec. 8 2010 at 4:19 pm
lbr17 BRONZE, Houston, Texas
2 articles 1 photo 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."
-Abraham Lincoln

Really cute! Enjoyed it :]




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