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Author's note: Just a funny novel I thought up after seeing the tumblr 'Horrible Romance Covers'. There was a book called Hexually Obsessed and I thought there has to be a book called Hexually Active! But there wasn't so here I am!
In Allison Johnson’s opinion, there was nothing worse than breaking up with a boyfriend. Especially when you didn’t actually have a reason to. This was the thing. Allison’s boyfriend, soon to be ex, was probably every 17 year old girl’s dream guy. Jason was tall, dark and handsome, paid for your meals and if you wanted to let you pay, didn’t look at other girls and was on his way to be the senior class’ valedictorian. In fact, Allison thought he was her perfect guy! And he was! If not for one tiny thing.
Okay, it was a pretty big thing.
Allison couldn’t get hot for him. As good looking as he was, as beautifully plush as his lips were, as delicious as he milk chocolate skin was, as soon as he and Allison began to do anything hot and heavy? She shut down, at least, the part below her waist shut down. For some reason every kiss and touch that should have been an erotic wonderland, sort of felt like kissing her grandfather. It was just not a good look. Plus, Allison was starting to feel really bad for Jason. He didn’t do anything wrong and she was pushing him away. It was completely unfair and a real b**** move. So Allison was going to end it. As soon as 5th period was over, she was going to walk Jason to the library, sit him down and have talk.
But as Allison watched the clock’s minute hand inch closer and closer to the 25, she felt nothing but nausea. She was going to chicken out. God, she was such a punk. Allison slumped down in her seat, dejectedly before sitting up with a yelp. Luckily, her teacher was far too ingrained in a discussion about cricket for him to hear her little outburst. She turned around and rolled her eyes as her partner in crime motioned for her to slip into the empty seat next to her in the back. Sticking a pencil in her small, but tame, fro, Allison gathered up her things and nonchalantly slithered on to the back.
Before Allison could plop her reasonably sized butt into the chair, Arifa grabbed her arm and near toppled over the whole seat.
“Calm down!” Allison whispered, as she steady the desk and her books.
“No! I am not going to calm down!” Arifa harshly hissed back. “Don’t think I didn’t see you over there, looking like you’re about to walk to your death. You’re going to punk out, aren’t you?”
“Damnit Allison! That poor boy is almost in love with you at this point, but you can’t even touch him!”
Allison slumped over and pressed her forehead to cool wood of the desk.
“I know! But I hate confrontation, you know that! I just feel so bad. I wish I could like Jason the way he likes me.”
“Look,” Arifa began as she pulled Allison up by her shirt, “Just stick to the plan. You go to the library, tell him its over and then come to lunch. We can scope out a boy in this school who doesn’t make your v want to curl up and die.”
“Oh my god, Arifa!”
“I’m just saying,” Arifa continued as she fixed her bright pink hijab that speckled in glitter, “it’s the same thing with every guy. He’s good looking, cute and smart. But as soon as you get down to the dirty, it’s like you don’t even want the D. I’m worried about you.”
Thankfully, Allison was dark enough where blushing was not a worry for her, but she still felt the blood welling in her cheeks in embarrassment.
“Could you keep it down? I don’t want the whole school knowing my dirty laundry!” Allison hissed as she looked around the sleepy classroom.
“Whatever. Just stick to the plan? I’m tired of seeing you unhappy.”
Allison smiled and reached over to gran Arifa’s hand. “I know. You can still get him on the rebound. I stopped feeling him after week number 1.”
Arifa’s face lit up in happiness. “You know me so well.”
“Of course, after all, we are the Double A batteries.”
They both dissolved in laughter until the bell rung, signaling Allison’s date with death.
As Allison sat looking at the door with a face akin to horror, Arifa gathered her books and purse and began walking out of the room.
“Stick to the plan!” She called as she left with the stream of students eager to cleanse their brains of a 45 minute ode to the West Indies Cricket Team.
In fact, Allison hadn’t realized she had been sitting there, frozen until Mr. Mahabir tapped her and told her he had his own lunch to attend. Allison gathered up her things and took a deep a breath. It was time.
Like the perfect boyfriend he was, Jason stood at her locker, patiently awaiting her arrival like the patron saint of Significant Others. As she walked over to him, Allison couldn’t help but silently curse her own libido. Because from where she stood, Jason looked pretty damn good. If only her lower half would get with the program.
Allison tried not to grimace as Jason over to peck gently on the lips because she actually felt her stomach curdle in disgust.
“Let’s go to lunch. Tuesday is the only day where the food doesn’t give you heartburn, let’s go before it’s all gone, babe.”
Before Jason got the chance to run down the halls screaming his praise of reheated pizza, Allison stopped him with a gentle hand on his arm.
“Jason. We need to talk.”
Jason, the poor fool, didn’t suspect a thing and nodded calmly.
“Sure. Is everything alright? You look sick? Is everything alright at home?”
Behind her stoic façade, Allison was silently crumbling on the inside. She was a terrible person.
“N-no, everything’s fine. Can we go somewhere a little more private? Like the library?”
“Sure, let’s go.”
Jason gently took her arm, holding her like she was a precious stone and began their walk to the library. Allison slowly felt herself melting. She couldn’t go through with this. She was going to chicken out. Jason would never know how much she couldn’t stomach him and they would date for a few more years and then get married! Then a wedding night had to happen! Oh god…
Allison was brought out her nonsensical musing by Jason snapping his fingers in front of her face.
“Huh?” Allison responded dimly.
“We’re at the library. You wanted to come here to talk, remember?”
Jason put a large, warm hand across her forehead as his adorable eyebrow began to crease.
“Are you sure you’re alright? You feel a little warm and I think this is the first time I’ve seen a black girl go so pale. Do you want to see the nurse?”
Jason stumbled back the volume of her denial before she repeated it again, softer.
“No, let’s just go inside. We really do need to talk.”
“Cool.” Allison parroted to herself, trying to build up any lingering courage as she began 3 foot walk to the nearest vacant table.
The moment she sat down, Allison closed her eyes and finally let the words pour out.
“I need to break up with you.”
Allison bit her lip and gingerly opened one eye to see the damage.
God had she wished she hadn’t done that.
It was like she could see Jason’s heart shatter into a million pieces.
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah, but it’s not you, it’s me!”
“C’mon, tell me the truth. Can I at least have a real reason?”
Allison looked deep into his brown eyes and slowly felt the truth trickle out.
“I’m just not attracted to you. Like at all.”
“Oh my god…”, Jason began looking at the table dejectedly, “Did I turn you into a lesbian?”
“No! Of course not!”
“So…you were already a lesbian? But why did you accept my date in the first place? Allison, no one in this school would judge you. As president of the gay straight alliance I can tell you you’re sexuality doesn’t change you no matt-“
“I’m not a lesbian!” she snapped.
They sat in silence for a few more moments before Jason began to speak again.
“So, I just disgust you? Man, that’s heavy.”
Allison ran a hand through her hair before letting out a deep sigh.
“Jason, look. I just don’t feel sexually attracted to you. I mean you’re amazingly good looking, but whenever we get intimate I just feel like I’m kissing my brother. I just feel like you deserve a girlfriend who is as in to you, as much as you’re into her. I feel like a b**** just leading you on like this.”
Jason sighed and sat into his chair with a little laugh.
“I could kind of tell, every time we kissed, you made the kinda face I made when my granny comes over and tries to slip me some tongue in her ‘I haven’t seen you in years’ kiss.”
Letting out a laugh, Allison slid a hand over the table and held it out.
“Are we good? You’re not going to go around and tell all the other guys what a b**** I am right?”
Jason rolled his eyes and clasped her hand gently “I wouldn’t have done that, even if you were a raging b****, which you aren’t, by the way.”
Allison felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders and gave Jason’s hand a good shake.
“Thanks. Good luck with your next girlfriend.”
“Thanks, I guess.”
As Allison began to gather up her things, she noticed Jason just sitting there.
“Hey,” she called back, “aren’t you coming to lunch?”
“Naw,” Jason called back “I think I’ll sit here for a while.”
Looking at Jason’s slumped figure, Allison couldn’t leave without one last apology.
“I’m really sorry, Jason.”
When not another word came from Jason, Allison took this as her cue to leave. And to think, she was starting to feel like a good person. Lame.
Sloppily putting one foot in front of the other, Allison trudged down to the cafeteria and made a bee-line for the well-worn table, where Arifa’s hot pink head was seen bobbing animatedly in conversation. Allison plopped down and immediately hid her face in her arms. The default feeling of self-pity quickly settled in her stomach.
That probably wasn’t going to go away soon.
And as much as Allison wanted to wallow in her own juices, Arifa desperately needed to know what went down.
“So what happened? Speak!”
“He thought he turned me into a lesbian.”
Arifa erupted in obnoxiously loud laughter that seemed to echo off the enclosed room of the cafeteria and alert every student to her shame.
“Will you be quiet? I feel bad enough already.”
Arifa wiped her eyes and began to pet Allison’s head gently.
“Look, you’re only 17. Maybe your body is telling you that you’re not ready for that level of intimacy. Maybe you should take a boy break? Explore yourself and stuff? Find a hobby?”
Sitting up, Allison sighed and nodded. “Yeah, I need to take a breather. Boys are going to give a stress ulcer or some s***.”
Scooping up a french fry, Arifa nodded, “Good choice. You should take up knitting, my mom loves it.”
Wiping her hands on her jeans, Allison took best friend liberties with Arifa’s french fries and looked around the cafeteria, bored.
Suddenly, Allison squinted as a glare was pointed right into her eye. The stupid freshman were always taking advantage of the huge windows and playing blind the upperclassman, but she was not playing. Not today. Allison glared as she looked for the source of the light and found it to be a pair of sunglasses hanging from the shirt of someone Allison swore she had never seen before.
Because she would definitely remember a beautifully dreadlocked boy with a square jaw and a cute button nose.
“Wow.” Allison whispered.
“Hmm…” Arifa clucked as she watched her friend get bitten by lovebug again.
“What was that about a break from boys?”
Predictably, she got no answer.