Splinter in the Grasp
Author's note: This is a black comedy.
There are no real chapters in this story.Here’s another little story I wrote. It’s a parody of the very famous movie called “Splendor in the Grass” about a good girl gone mad. Well, I am here to tell you that that is simply not the case in my book.
Jeanie-A 16-year-old goody two shoes. She’s in love with Tug Bamper…… crazy in love with Tug Bamper
Tug- Jeanie’s 16-year-old boyfriend who gets put under pressure by his dad to go to Yale and become a fixer of trains
Penny- Tug’s fast sister who loves to make out and have sex with boys. Her parents disown her!
This story is much funnier than the movie. This is how I perceived the entire cast. Ya got yer slapstick comerdy, ya got yer crybabies, ya got evertang dass funny. So, sit back, take off your socks and read my story. Read it before I shove the entire thing down your throat (Jkjkjkjkjk!)
Splinter in the Grasp
Jeanie had just gotten home from a date with Tug Bamper. She slipped into the house so she wouldn’t wake her mother, but……There was her mother on the stairway, eating a ham sandwich and glaring at her. “Wilma Jean, why are you so late?”
“I’m not late.”
“I told you to come back home at 9:00 sharp. On the dot! Wilma Jean, if you can’t respect curfews, then I will have to ask you not to date!”
“But, mother, I’m only a minute late.”
Her mother got fed up.
She marched over to the clock and pointed a finger at it. It read 10:00. “You call this not late? I told you come back at 9:00 sharp! You’ve been sloughing off on all your responsibilities, Wilma Jean Heap, and I’m tired of it!”
“Mother,” Jeanie whined. “That clock’s been broken for about a week, now. It’s an hour early!”
Jeanie’s mother’s face broke into an embarrassed shade of red. “I totally forgot that.”
“Well, maybe if you didn’t keep your eye on the clock waiting for me to come home, you’d remember!”
Jeanie ran upstairs, sobbing. Her mother chased after her, as she always did when Jeanie got upset. “Jeanie, dear! Jeanie!” “Go away, mother!” Jeanie shut her door to her bedroom. Her mother banged on it like a crazy animal. “Sweetheart, please!! Let’s talk….” Jeanie opened the door. “Fine. Then let’s talk. About sex.”
Jeanie said “sex” and her mother reeled about.
“SEX?! Where’d you get that idea about sex? It’s that Bamper boy, isn’t it? I never trusted his family! Maybe if Tug Bamper didn’t tamper in all our affairs……”
“It isn’t that, mother! It’s just that we should’ve had the talk when I was, like, 13. I’m 16 and I still haven’t a clue about it. What is it?”
“Oh…..okay. Sit-sit down, honey. Sit down, baby.”
“I’m already sitting mother,” said Jeanie. She had gone and sat on her bed while her mother was reeling about.
“Okay. It’s time we had the talk about the birdies and the beesies. So, when a man loves a woman, they will want to experience sexual intimacy. Always say no, Wilma Jean Heap. That’s what a good girl would do.”
“Even when I’m married?”
“Take me and your father for instance. He never laid a hand on me until we were married. We were and still are a perfect couple. If you and Tug are having those feelings about each other, then something must be wrong with your heads.”
“But, isn’t it natural for a teenage girl to at least think about having sex?”
“Nope. Take me for instance. When I was a teenager, I never thought about having sex, ever. I read the Bible and I was good to my parents.”
“So, it’s not natural for two teenage lovers to think about having sex?”
“It’s as unnatural as homosexuals.”
Jeanie groaned. They were getting nowhere. Her mother was making her feel like some desperate ditz. It wasn’t her that even wanted the sex! Tug was as horny as the Horned King! She wanted to scream. “Okay,” she said, getting up to close the door. “This talk is over now.”
“But Wilma Jean!” Her mother started, but the door closed on her. Sometimes Jeanie felt as if her mother was really as ignorant as she sounded. She wondered, what could be going on in Tug’s life right now????
Tug had just come home from his date with Jeanie. He thought tonight would be the night they went all the way to the mountaintop, but Jeanie said no (as she always did). So, he was getting ready to go sulk into bed, until he heard a raspy, “Hiya, son!”
Tug suppressed a groan. It was his DAD. “Hey, Dad.”
“So, I finally got your resume set up and by the end of summer, you’re goin’ to Stanford and majorin’ in fixin’ trains!” His dad fixed trains for a living, and his father before him and his father before him. All of the men from his dad’s family set about fixing trains. Way back from thousands and thousands and thousands of years. And he was, like, mega rich. And in that oily head of his, he thought that his son wanted to follow in his footsteps. Who wouldn’t?Most 50-year-old men have the strangest idea that their offspring wants to be just like them. But they were in for a bombshell. Tug didn’t want to fix trains. He wanted to major as being a nurse. Yeah, yeah, laugh if you need to, but Tug really liked nursing his baby doll as a boy. The baby doll was originally for his sister, Penny, but as a tot, she liked to put on lotsa red lipstick and her mother’s high heels. She also put fruit in her clothes and when people asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up, she said “I want to be a vixen!” They’d laugh, but she was serious.
“Dad, I don’t want to be an engineer for trains!” Tug whined.
“Trust me, son! I know what you want….”
“I’ve told you over and over I want to be a nurse.”
“That’s for sissies! Sissies!”
“No, it’s not. Men can be nurses if they want.”
“It’s for sissies! You’re no sissy, son!”
“Okay,” said Tug. “This conversation is over now.” He trudged upstairs. “Wait!” He turned around and his father’s arms were open.
A hug? Tug wondered. His father had never hugged him before. Maybe this would finally be the time for a real heart-to-heart like other kids had! Tug ran into his open arms, but before he had a chance to hug him back, his dad gave him a lung-crushing slap on the back and said, “Night, son.” Tug was almost in tears. THAT SLAP HURT LIKE A MOTHERTRUCKIN’ WENCH!!!! Why couldn’t he just get a stupid hug? He ran upstairs to his room, so his dad wouldn’t call him a sissy.
Penny was Tug’s same-aged sister. But they weren’t twins. Penny was 2 days older. She was fast, as their fellow Kentuckians would call her (They lived in Kentucky, don’t-cha-know). She wore green haired short bob wigs most of the time and skirts about 2 inches from her butt that didn’t follow the fingertip rule at all. She had 4 boyfriends in one week once, and when they found out, they all dumped her. But she still liked finding “fresh kill” as she called it. She soon found one, named Jonathan.
On this particular eve, it was New Year’s Eve and they were getting ready for the New Year’s party. Penny rushed upstairs to get dressed. Jonathan came over and had an interview with her father. When Tug looked at Jonathan, he gave him a smile that Tug didn’t like one bit. Tug thought he was a slimy, horny creature that only wants to take advantage of his slut of a sister, and he went upstairs to tell Penny so.
As he knocked on her pink doorknob, he could hear her singing her theme song:
Everybody’s talking ‘bout Janie
She’s the talk of the town
Janie says she’ll maybe…….
Turn her boyfriends down
She’s a vixen, she’s a slut
You’d better watch out or you’ll get mugged………
Yeah, maybe his sister shouldn’t become a singer. Tug walked right on in, because he didn’t believe in privacy, as he rarely got any himself.
“Penny, I need to talk to you!”
“What is it, sweetie cakes?”
“Don’t call me sweetie cakes!! I’m your brother, not your boyfriend! He’s downstairs by the way.”
“Oh!” she said, putting odor suppresser instead of deodorant on her arms. Then, she put on 18 squirts of Cher Noire, some disgusting French perfume. She rarely bathed, but put on a lot of odor suppressant and perfumes, so no one knew. She never took off her makeup either, and as a result, had very clogged pores. But you couldn’t tell by looking at her face.
“That guy just plain looks like trouble.”
“Oh, whatta you, know? I’m 2 days older than you!”
“Yes, Penny. I know that…and you never let me forget it!! I’m tellin’ ya. He’s pure danger. He’ll take advantage of you once you get drunk, you just wait!”
“Oh yeah? Since when do you care about who I date…..” she tried to storm out, but he flung his body on the door. “Outta ma way, Tug!”
“No! You’re not going out with him! He’s a sleazebag if I’ve ever seen one!”
“How do you know so much about him?”
“I know you’re not going out with him!”
“You’re not the bossa me!” Penny shrieked. Then, she delivered a slap to his face, a kick to his crotch and a punch to his gut.
Tug just stood there in shocked silence. Then he said, “Boo on chivalry.” He raised his fist and was about to knock the daylights out of her, but just then, the door opened. “It’s time!” said their father.
The party was kicking into high gear! There was everyone from the community there. Even the goodest of girls and the baddest of boys danced together. And the goodest of guys and the baddest of girls danced together! But, that was simply not the case for Penny. It all started when things were settling down on the dance floor and everyone went to sit with their girlfriends and boyfriends to drink punch.
Penny went up to the table where Jonathan was sitting with another girl. “Dance with me, Jonny!” she crowed.
“Uhmm……no. Thanks.” Penny looked at the girl who was on his lap. “I didn’t know you were married,” she said sheepishly and almost broke her neck pelting away. That was so embarrassing! She looked at other guys at the table. They all sat with their girlfriends and wives. That’s funny, she thought, because no one had ever mentioned girlfriends and wives when she was making a move on them.
Now, she felt like what she was—a dirty prostitute. She was dying of loneliness. She ran over to her brother, who was sitting with Jeanie. “Dance with me!” She cried, almost in tears. “No!” Tug said, and made out with Jeanie right in front of her. “You shouldn’t have dated a married man.”
Penny scratched her arm. She was completely hopeless! So, to get a little attention, she ran onto the dance floor and cried:
“HEY, YA BUNCHA DOPES! WATCH WHAT I CAN DO!!!!”
Suddenly, everyone heard a low:
“Every day, I’m shuffle-in’.”
Then, as much as she looked like an idiot, Penny tried her best attempt to shuffle. Some guys whistled, some guys crowed like roosters. She started ripping off her clothes and twirling then around. Finally, she didn’t feel so alone! She was getting all the attention!
Jeanie laughed and laughed. She was a goody-goody, so she didn’t know what all this craving for attention was. She could never understand what her boyfriend’s sister’s attention seeking was all about, and she didn’t know how to respond to it. So she simply guffawed. Tug glared at her.
“It’s not funny!” Tug nearly shouted. “She’s a hopelessly lost little girl who feels lonely! I’ve gotta get her off that dance floor.” He ran to retrieve the lost little attention-craving girl. “Run, Tuggie, RUUUUUN!” Jeanie had tears streaming down her face, she was laughing so hard.
He eventually carried her outside, where they could have a little peace and breathe in something that wasn’t toxins of smoking. “What do you think you were doing, makin’ a fool of yourself?” he chided a swaying Penny. By now, she’d had too much liquor and couldn’t stop swaying.
“I-(hiccup!) don’t know who made you my fath-father but you ain’t got the right to ch-(hiccup!) CHIDE me!”
“Okay, we’re going home right now.” He attempted to lift her.
“No! You lemme (burp!) lemme stay, I don’ wanna go home. Home is where the h-(hiccup!) hate is!”
“But, don’t you wanna go to bed? In your nice warm bed—
She pushed Tug offa her. “You’re just as bad as the buttholes in there! Buncha dumb bunnies! You only care about your clean, holy repuTATION!!!! If you weren’t my brother, you wouldn’t even (burp!) COOOOME near me.” Then, she started hiccupping and burping so much that she couldn’t talk or breathe. Tug lifted her and walked in the direction of his car. Poor Penny simply pounded her little fists into his back. But Tug drove her home, anyway.
By now, Tug wasn’t in a partying mood, so he drove Jeanie to a small little diner called Papa’s and they munched on hamburgers and French fries and shakes while they talked about Penny.
“I think she was funny,” said Jeanie, taking small, lady-like sips of her milkshake.
“I think she was horrible. Like, who does that?” Tug asked nobody in particular.
“You’re right, Tug.” She quickly agreed and cuddled him. “I’ll agree with anything you say, Tug. Are you gonna eat that pickle?”
“Here. But seriously, she’s going to end up dead one day and it’ll be because of all that drinking!”
“I think she’s absolutely disgraceful,” Jeanie nodded with her mouthful of the salty cucumber. “My parents wouldn’t like her at all.”
“Who gives a shrimp about what your parents think? They’re butt-munchers.”
Hey! Don’t talk about my parents that way! She was about to say. But she took hold of his hands and said, “You’re right, Tug.”
“Stop agreeing with me,” he said, finishing his burger. “It’s creeping me out.”
“What do you want me to do, Tug? I’ll do anything for you.”
“Don’t do anything for me! Live for yourself, not for me.”
“Okay,” Jeanie said and scrunched up her face. She squinted her eyes, turned red and shook violently. She looked constipated.
“Don’t hurt yourself!” He finally said. “That’s not what I meant. What were you doing anyway?”
“I was trying to imagine life without you, but I can’t, Tug.” She put her head on his chest. “Tug……Tug…….oh, Tug…….I just, I can’t stand it when you’re mad at me, Tug…..”
“Jeanie, I think you have a problem.”
“I DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM!!!!! I JUST LOVE YOU, THAT’S ALL!!! SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME, TOO!!!!”
“Uh….I love you—
“Good.” She buried her face in his chest. “Oh, Tug…Tug…
Nearby, a woman was waiting to order when she caught sight of what was going on at Table 3. The waitress came over and asked her what she wanted. The woman said, “I’ll have what their having.”
A few days later, Jeanie received a John Deere letter. It was from Tug. It read:
Dearest darlingest Jeansie-liciousness-sicle,
I’’ve been thinking about a few nights ago, at that diner. I love you and all, but if you can’t act more normal around me or think for yourself, I think we’ll have to split up. Don’t burn this or tear it up or show it to your mom or crumple it up and feed it to your fish; because remember, I still like you. Maybe we can just be friends?
Love, , like Tug Bamper
Jeanie threw the letter across the room. It floated down gracefully, which made her even madder. She didn’t even have fish! The lot Tug knew about her. What could she possibly have done to make Tug break up with her? Maybe, she was too independent. Maybe she needed to cater to his every whim. After all, she would like it. Oh, what was the point? Tug didn’t love her, and now she didn’t even love her! And you know what happens to people who don’t love themselves….. All of a sudden, her bedroom door swung open and her mother was standing there with a filthy grin on her fat face.
“We’re rich, girlie! We’re filthy stinkin’ rich!” She did a little dance around the room. Jeanie was not in the mood for dancing, so she just lay on her bed and glared at her mom, dancing.
“We’ve won the lottery!....why aren’t you cheering?”
“Mother, I want to die.”
“Oh, stop carrying on this way! You’re just being a baby. I’m telling you we’re filthy stinkin’ rich and you want to whine about you being suicidal? I don’t have time for this.” She sauntered downstairs without closing her door. Jeanie sprung out of bed and slammed the door as hard as she could. A picture frame fell off her desk from the slam but Jeanie didn’t care. What kind of mother was she? She cared more about money than her own daughter!! Usually, when teenage girls said “Mom, I’m suicidal,” their mother would drop everything and send them to counseling. But little girl Jeanie was all by her lonesome. Her dad, you say? Her dad was just as much of a fat slug that sat around the house. He didn’t even work. Tug must be having a gay old time with other women, Jeanie thought miserably.
“I had to do it!” He whined to his mother. He was on his bed, crying like a dying animal, so his mother had to come in and stroke his back and say “Tell me about it, Sweetums.”
“I think it might’ve grown into an abusive relationship! If you think about it, she has all the qualities of a potential abuser. She gets so mad and jealous when I talk to other people--especially girls. She forbids me to go to social functions unless she’s there and on my lap. She even forces me to have sex with her sometimes!”
“Okay, maybe that’s not necessarily true. But still! What does she expect me to do…….BEG???” He fell into a fresh, new round of sobs and his mother patted his back.
“Oh, sweetie, you teenagers shouldn’t go fallin’ in love so hard! See what happens? See all the problems they cause?”
Suddenly, his father burst into the room.
“Congratulations, son! You’re future is set in majoring in fixin’ trains! Am I great or am I awesome?”
This news just made him cry harder.
“Whassup with him?”
“Shh! Come ‘ere.”
His father walked cautiously to the bed they were sitting on. He wasn’t good with crying children. He tried to put a tentative hand on Tug’s shoulder, but he accidentally slapped a hand on him too hard.
“WILL YOU FORGET THE BACK-SLAPPING THING!!!!?” He hollered, but it was muffled within his pillow.
“Hug yo son!” His mother whisper-shouted. His father put both arms around his sobbing son, but he squeezed too hard. Finally, Tug had had enough of this. He wrestled out of his fathers’ grasp and stood up. “What’s the matter with you? Can’t you control your own strength? What are you…..Lennie Small?!*”
He then ran out of the room.
“Donald, what’sa matter with you?” she hollered.
“Why can’t you just give your own son a hug?”
“Well I’m sorry Minnie, but he needs to learn to toughen up! Man up! He’s a sissy! A sissy!”
“You are one sick twisted freak!” Minnie hollered. “What do you expect him to cry about?”
“Like, important stuff. Not breakin’ up with a friend. That stuff’s for sissies. Sissies!”
“What type of important stuff, Don?”
“If you see somebody cryin’, it’s because their wife got shot, or their girlfriend just got shot. People don’t cry for every single thing!”
“You mean……….like you used to?”
He shuddered. When he was a kid, he was very pathetic and wimpy. He cried all the time because he used to get beat up. But he got some help and he got into boxing. Anyways, he got tougher because of his mental coach. He stomped out of the room.
“You’re disowning me?” Penny cried.
The entire Bamper family was sitting around the dining room for a typical rich-kid dinner of spaghetti, salad and garlic bread. Her father just broke the news to her.
“You embarrassed us New Year’s,” said Mr. Bamper, cutting his spaghetti with the wrong hand. “I think it would be better if you went to California to become a…a….” He snapped his fingers as adults will usually do when trying to recount something.
“A famous movie star,” Penny filled in. “Yeah, yeah, one-a them.”
“I thought you loved her!” Tug defended from the other side of the table. “And now you’re disowning her.”
“Shut up, son. This has nothing to do with you. Penny, you’re always talking about how much you want to get out and see the big town, well here’s your chance.”
“Tug, can you believe this? They’re kicking me out!!!!” Penny ran upstairs to her room to bawl her eyes out in peace. Fine, she thought. She’d elope with a boy she met on the road and they’d be a famous couple and Mom and Dad would come a-crawlin’ back!
“Honey, can I come in?”
“Sure, the door is open.” Jeanie’s mother came into the bathroom where Jeanie was taking a hot bath. She sat on a stool and watched her daughter soak.
“Jeanie-dearie, what’s been the matter these past few days?”
What’s been the matter? Jeanie had been close to taking her own life a few days ago and her mother wonders What’s Been The Matter?
“Nothin’,” Jeanie said begrudgingly.
“Is it because of Tug?”
Tug. Jeanie knew what this would turn into. Her mother would go on and on about how Tug was pond scum and how her daughter deserved better than this. “A teensy-beensy bit.”
“Why, did he break up with you?”
“Eh, comme ci comme ca (like this-like that),” she mumbled, not wanting to tell her.
“I oughta call that Tug’s parents and tell him that he’s a bad influence on my little girl--
And then, Jeanie went crazy. She started slapping her hands in the water like a rabid dog, crying:
“You had better not! YOU BETTER NOT!” Her mother didn’t know how to respond to this. Where was the fire? She had just asked a simple question.
“Oh, Jeanie! Jeanie dearie!” She contemplated throwing a bucket of water on her daughter, but she was already soaking in it. Eventually Jeanie calmed herself. “Don’t…..you better not, Mom,” said Jeanie, swaying in the bathtub. “You better to not do something that quixotic.”
“Why are you acting so crazy? A girl your age should not be that much overreacting over a boy, Wilma Jean Heap. Take me for instance.” Her mother said.
Jeanie’s eyes turned red. Take her mother for instance?!?!? Wasn’t she aware of where that had gotten her so far?!
She shot up out of the bathtub and cried
“I HAVE BEEN TAKING YOU FOR INSTANCE!!!! I’VE BEEN TAKING YOU FOR INSTANCE, AND ALL BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPID ADVICE I’VE LOST MY MAN!!! THANKS FOR THE HELP, MA!!!!” Then she darted out of the bathtub and ran outside into the yard, stark-raving naked. She was trying to run to Tug’s house. This got her father’s attention. “Why is Jeanie running outside naked?” He asked casually.
“Oh Pippi, it’s terrible!” Her mother cried, running down the stairs. “She’s gone mad!”
All day on Monday, Jeanie (who was naturally a straight A+ student) couldn’t concentrate on her stupid studies. I mean, what was the point? She thought. We’re all just running around, trying to get rich and be happy; when we’re all just gonna die one day anyway, so what’s the point?
Her thoughts were interrupted when Ms. Kimberly—a very nasal and very boring teacher whom the kids loathed with a passion—stumbled in very early. The kids called her Miss Kimberly. They didn’t know if she was a Miss or a Missus because she went by Miz. Nobody thought she was ever going to get married.
“Everybody, sit down please.” She said in her normally nasal voice. She whistled through her nose when she talked and that made the kids laugh. The kids tried to stifle their laughter as they planted their butts in the seats. “Now, everybody turn your books to page 517. Michael, you should be turning your book to page 517.” One kid couldn’t help himself. He burst out laughing, but stopped it just in time for him to get only a warning glare. “What’s so funny?” she inquired. The room was stock-silent. “Well? It’s my voice isn’t it? I told you at the beginning of the year, I have really bad nasal problems. Now let’s get to work!”
She sounded even funnier when she yelled, so the kids muffled their laughter with their hands. Ms. Kimberly couldn’t take it anymore. She grabbed her mean-teacher ruler and slammed it on the desk.
The entire room was deathly quiet. She liked having this authority, so she slammed it on her desk harder. It gave her resurgence, almost. Once more, she told herself and banged the ruler on the desk so hard that it broke into little pieces and they went flying all over the room. The sound was so booming and loud that a boy squealed.
“Now I think we understand each other,” she said, slightly embarrassed, tucking the ruler remains into her bra. She wanted to find a kid to torture to make her feel a little better. “Wilma Jean Heap Croomis?”
Shiitake mushrooms, Jeanie thought and said “Yes, Ms. Kimberly?”
“Read William Woodsparrow’s limerick on page 517, will you?”
“I’m sorry Ms. Kimberly, but I don’t have my book.”
Then, Ms. Kimberly ranted on and on about how one was to come prepared to class and how in college, you would get no second chances. The kids were used to hearing this, so they just tuned her out. Some turned on their iPods, some read books, some watched movies on their iPhones, some looked out the window, and some doodled pictures on the binding of their notebooks. Then, as if she didn’t have enough, Jeanie was instructed to borrow her friend’s book. But Jeanie didn’t have any friends in that class. I suppose she had some once….But they all turned against her because she spent too much time with Tug and not enough with them. Her former friends glared at her. Jeanie gulped a gulp. “Marianne, can I borrow--?” Marianne shoved the book towards her ex-friend, not even looking her in the eyeball. Jeanie took it and turned to page 517 and read the limerick:
Hilly and Lampwick were friends
Who wanted their friendship to end
They fell in love fast
But a splinter in the grasp
Tore their relations to shreds
“Now Jeanie, can you tell me what William Woodsparrow means by this limerick?”
Jeanie was appalled by this poem. It was so depressing! Maybe that’s what was happening with her and Tug? But she didn’t want to believe it. She liked to believe that she and Tug were meant to be together. She said, “Maybe it means that they shouldn’t be lovers or friends?”
Jeanie did a silent groan. Why, why, why did she have to say Why?
“Because the splinter in the grasp is keeping them away from each other?”
“And what do you think the author means by “Splinter in the Grasp”?”
“I think it means that their holding hands, but one of them has a metaphorical splinter—like a bump in their relationship; so they have to let go………”
This was sounding too familiar. Jeanie became so overwhelmed that she burst out of the classroom in tears, leaving the rest of the class in awe. But Ms. Kimberly didn’t care. She loved making fools out of kids.
Jeanie ran. Ran, ran until she was almost out the door. She needed to go to Tug’s house! Maybe she could save their relationship!!! Unfortunately, the vice principal found one of his students trying to leave and caught her by her shoulders. He sent her to the nurse’s office and told the nurse to give her some anti-depressants.
“But I’m not sick!” Jeanie cried gaily, slowly turning mad. “I’m perfect, dandy, peachy-keen!” Then, she fell into a fit of giggles as the nurse tried to give her a monster sedative. She then got to go home early.
When Tug heard about this episode, he felt awfully guilty. But, all of the kids didn’t care. They avoided him. They were mad at him for breaking such a poor little girl’s heart, because she was an angel and he was the devil. Nobody spoke to him. But when they did, they said crude and outright rude stuff, like this:
“Why did he break such a sweet girl’s heart?”
“Hey, the Jerk convention called. They want their you back!”
"Hey, jerk. Having fun being a jerk and walking down the hallways of jerks?"
“Look at him; Mr. Thang.”
"He thinks he cool."
But he didn’t feel cool at all. He felt like a dirty-rotten scalawag.
As she had no car and no boyfriend, Penny spent her days and nights on the street with her thumb out and a sign that said, “WILL TAKE RIDES FOR $14.” Nobody stopped for her. People thought it was an awfully rotten deal for somebody to pay another somebody to give that somebody a ride to someplace. But around 6 o clock in the evening, a rusty old truck pulled up. She dropped her sign and climbed in eagerly. “Oh,” she groaned with relief, “You wouldn’t believe how many people just outright ignored—
She found herself staring face to face with her brother.
“TUG! What are you doing here?!” She immediately stepped out.
“I was going shopping for Mom and Dad. Now get your butt back in the truck.”
“No. I’m not going back in that truck. No way. Mom and Dad don’t want me, and I’m going to California whether you like it or not.”
“Okay, fine. Stay out here. But I’m a-warnin’ ya. Once it gets dark—
Penny climbed back in the car. “Okay, fine. Drop off your groceries, but you promised to take me to California.”
“Okay, great.” He put the key in the ignition. “Halt!” Penny called. She held out her hand. He groaned a slapped a $5 bill in it.
Tug asked himself why he was on the road and taking his spoiled sister all the way to California when he should be playing poker with his friends on a Saturday night. He also felt terrible in his insides. They didn’t pack any healthy snacks, so they had to load up on junk food in trucker stations while Penny just flirted with all the truckers! Penny often had her head at the bottom of the backseat and her feet were up when she was sleeping.
Finally, they arrived at their destination. As soon as Tug saw a sign that said “Welcome To Hollywood,” he yelled in the back, “Alright, Penny! We’re here, get out!” Penny woke up to a bright sun beam on her back and she stretched. She looked out the window and smiled. It was so warm and sunny! Then, slowly, her smile turned into a frown.
“You’re just gonna drop me off right here?!”
“B-b-but where’s the hotel? Where are the people? And look……you parked in the middle of the highway!!!!”
It was true. Tug had parked in the middle of the highway. He was tired of driving and they didn’t have enough money or gas or gas money so he couldn’t drive another 7 miles to get to civilization. And he told her this.
“But what about me?” She wailed, flailing her arms. “You’re just gonna leave me in the middle of the road! I don’t even have any money to stay at a hotel!!!!!”
“Well, you should’ve thought of that before,” he said, kicking her in the head. Penny stumbled out of the truck. “You can’t leave me here!” she repeated. “I’m going to die right in the middle of this highway!”
“Find a church,” he said, and rolled up his window like a bad boy. He sped off.
“BAMPER!!!!” She cried after him. She kicked the dirt. This was against the law. Abandonment….She could call the police for this! She kicked herself because she didn’t have a phone. Why did this always have to happen to her? Maybe she just shouldn’t be such a harlot. That would give the goodie-goodies in her life something not to make fun of her for. She pondered; what would it be like if she were a goody-two shoes like Jeanie? She’d never have any problems at all…..And it would certainly mean no being alone at parties!
Suddenly, the rusty old truck returned only 3 minutes later. Tug shouted out the window “Get back in this here truck! We’re goin’ home!”
Oh great! I’ll never complain about Kentucky being a hick state again! Mom and Dad will beg me never to leave! I’ll be a good girl! She wanted to say. But she just climbed into the truck without a word and they drove home faster than you can say “Mount Vesuvius.”
Ever since the bathtub and the William Woodsparrow incidents, Jeanie had changed. She figured, “Tug doesn’t like good girls. He likes girls like his sister.” So she changed her style.
She wore green wigs like Penny.
She sang the Good-Time Girl song like Penny. (Ever’body’s talkin’ bout Janie)
She complained that she feels trapped in this hick state like Penny.
Only Penny wasn’t like this anymore. She dyed her hair back to orange. She spent her hours doing community service in churches and parks. She no longer drank. She no longer smoked. She no longer had sex with the first person who came into her pretty head. She was a child of Jesus! She even did better in school. In a few months she was going to college and wanted to take an online course in computer repair and get a degree. And maybe have two kids. One boy and uh……one girl! They’d both be named Bud and Deanie. And maybe they’d move to Hollywood…….Anyways.
Penny tried to convince Jeanie that this path she was going down was a path of danger. She told Jeanie don’t change for anybody, and especially not her idiot-brother. She told Jeanie that it was a lot better to live for God than somebody who’d let you down in the long run. And she told Jeanie that Tug is not someone whose opinion you need to care about. And do you know what Jeanie said? Do you know what sweet little Jeanie said?
She laughed and told her to shut her fat mouth.
She said she didn’t know what she was talking about.
She said she didn’t know the first thing about what boys like.
She told her to cut the garbage and be real.
She told her to go to Hell.
So Penny went back to the Bamper manor and told Tug that his plan was a dud. “Why does she think I like girls like…..well……what you used to be?” “I don’t know,” said Penny shaking her head. “They’re nothin’ but trouble.”
“What’re you talkin’ about; this is all your fault!” Tug cried in exasperation. Penny looked appalled, and with good reason. Tug had no reason to be mad at her. He even knew it. But all this stress about worrying about his sister and girlfriend was starting to get to him. Maybe he was next to be going mad.
“Look, don’t go blaming me,” said Penny. “I’ll pray for you.”
“Good,” said Tug. That was just what he needed!
Then, the day of the Spring Fling rolled around. Everybody was going with somebody. All of her friends had dates. So why didn’t Jeanie? She thought about swallowing her pride and calling up Tug, but why get her pride digested? Tug had ruined her, but she still loved him. So she waited for Tug to call her. And waited. And waited for about forever. But he still didn’t call. Then, she snapped her cap.
Jeanie cut her hair about 7 inches and ditched the green bob wigs. She dyed her hair green and curled it. It didn’t look bad, but her mother kept repeating; “What have you done to your hair? What have you done to your hair?” and tugging on it. Her mother wouldn’t stop even after Jeanie asked her as nice as possible. She just kept tugging and asking and pestering and tugging and asking and tugging and asking “What have you done to your hair?”
Finally, Jeanie tore away from her grasp and told her not to be such a hypocrite; her hair looked worse than hers, she said. That made her mother stop, but now everyone was giving her the cold shoulder. Her family, her friends and even Tug! Everyone was afraid of her! It was a classic case of Good Girl Gone Mad.
So Jeanie started flirting with Tug’s best friend, Yoyo. She asked Yoyo if he wanted to go to Spring Fling. Yoyo said “Yeah, yeah!” Jeanie figured that if she could get Yoyo to go-go, then she’d get closer to Tug-Tug. I’m not kidding, that’s literally how Yoyo talks. Jeanie wouldn’t even go with this loser if he wasn’t involved in Tug’s life so heavily. And that’s not all he did that bugged her. Yoyo ate tacos with a spoon, sandwiches with a fork and soup with a knife. He used all the wrong utensils with all the wrong hands, but Jeanie lied that she loved him anyway.
Eventually, the night of the Spring Fling rolled around. Everyone was going with someone and if you weren’t you’d be branded as a total loser and outcast. It was on this particular eve that Jeanie decided to wear a super-short mini skirt. She’d get Tug’s attention by luring him to her car and when she sat down; her skirt would ride up her butt. She figured Tug liked that sort of disgraceful behavior.
She and Yoyo slipped out of the house quietly so that her mother wouldn’t take pictures. But it was too late. Her mother found them both together and started snapping shots with her dorky camera.
“I’m so glad that you’re over that Tug Bamper”
“Shananananananananananah!” Jeanie interrupted. True, she wasn’t a master cutter-offer, but if she were to mention Tug Bamper, then the whole night would be lost.
“Don’t stay out too late!” She called to the faux-love birds as they drove off. “Don’t stay out too late.” Jeanie scoffed to Yoyo. “You hear it? She keeps acting like I’m 15-years-old.”
“Well, aren’t you-you?”
“No, I’m sixteen-een.”
They eventually arrived at the school. All the girls were dressed in these big colorful ugly dresses and the boys were wearing boring tuxedos. A familiar group of girls were huddled at the entrance, whispering. Jeanie knew that crowd anywhere. Those were her ex-friends. In fact, they were whispering about her!!! How dare they, she seethed. Here was a nice group of girls Jeanie thought she could trust, but when she goes through a hard time in life; her friends give her the cold shoulder? Seriously?! What were they embarrassed of her or something? Jeanie picked up a small rock and hurled it at the group to show them what she thought of them. The girls looked at Jeanie. Jeanie played dumb.
“Wha-what is it? I dunno, somebody’s throwin’ stuff. Are you gonna keep gossiping or what, what’s goin’ on……” She grabbed Yoyo and fled inside to avoid any more embarrassment. Inside, they were playing some serious party music. Right now the song “Blackout” by Breathe California was playing. “I love-love this song-song!!” Yoyo cried.
I hate-hate your voice-voice, Jeanie said within her head. “Wanna dance-dance?” He asked, honestly believing that she asked him out to dance with him.
“No, you go ahead,” she said, looking for Tug in the crowd.
“What?” Yoyo asked.
“I mean…you go ahead-head.”
“Kay-kay.” Yoyo went off to dance by himself. It wasn’t long before he found another female without a date and soon they were dancing together. The slimy jack-turd, Jeanie said in her head. She wouldn’t have said it out loud because some people still thought she was a good girl. She went to the punch table, because if she were a Tug, that’s where she would be. And nevertheless, there was Tug, swirling his finger dejectedly in his cup. My, has he grown, Jeanie thought. Did he come alone? She wondered. How does one greet a person who broke her heart? Well, here goes somethin’. She pushed her shoulders back, stepped up to him and half-way hollered “HI THERE!!!” Tug pressed himself against a wall, almost as if he were afraid of her. Then, he looked at her closely and said “Jeanie, is that you?”
“Yeah, who’d ya think you were talkin’ to?” She flipped her hair and adjusted her skirt, the way she thought bad girls did it. “What did you do to your hair?” he asked her outright. She grabbed a little of it and laughed, then she became suddenly morose and said, “Do you like it, Tug?” “Now, Jeanie, this is why we broke up, remember? You’re too ‘wanting-to-please-me’ all the time.” “Phooey!”
This could have gone all night if Jeanie didn’t take his hand and lead him out of the noise and raucousness. It was nice and crisp and cool outside. Nobody was out here. Except just a few teenagers who were huddled around each other and pouring mysterious liquid into their cups. And a boy grabbed a girl out of a car and said, “I thought you weren’t gonna see that sleazebag anymore, and now you’re in his car…..”
“Okay, let’s go.” Jeanie said. She wanted to go to their special place; the waterfall. She was ready to have sex with her beau-friend for the first time! Except Penny was not the only one who changed during the course of a month. Tug learned that there are more important things than sex, like…..schoolwork! He needed to focus more on schoolwork so he could be a successful nurse. He’s matured. So, maybe that’s why he said, “Jeanie, let’s go back inside.”
Jeanie defiantly sat on the passenger’s seat of his truck.
“Jeanie, seriously. What if someone sees us, huh?”
“Let ‘em look,” she said sensually.
“Jeanie, what’s happened to you? You’re a nice girl, remember?”
“No, I’m not. I’m not a nice girl. I’m fast.”
“How do you even know what fast means? Come on, now. Get out of my truck!”
“No!” He put hand on her to try to get her out. “Let’s have sex!!!” She cried desperately, trying to shake him off. “I wanna go all the way tonight!!!!” She clawed at him like a vicious badger. “Stay here with me! I wanna go all the way!!” Tug wondered how Jeanie even knew what “all the way” meant, but he shrugged it off. Maybe she’d just been reading too many sex books, rather than textbooks. “Jeanie, this isn’t the way. Don’t you know that you should reserve sex for when you’re married?”
“Jeanie, shhh, relax. You’re gonna attract someone’s attention.”
“Oh, I so don’t care! I wanna have sex with you!”
“Not until we’re married.”
“Well……FINE!!!! Let’s get married then, right now! I hereby declare us husband and wife, NOW LET’S DO IT!!!!!”
Tug couldn’t believe what he was witnessing. This was like history in the making. This girl, whom he’d admired her maturity for so long, was viciously clawing at him and begging for sex, like some kind of desperate ditz. Was everything changing in High School? Finally, Tug had had enough of this. As Jeanie cried and bawled hysterically, he whacked her on the back of the head and she fell unconscious. Finally, that got her to shut up! He never would have laid a hand on Jeanie in anger, but he wasn’t angry. He was desperate for her to be quiet! He lifted her to the back seat and got in and drove her to the Cherry Yaker George Baker Mental Hospital.
“I don’t ever want to see your fat face again,” said Jeanie’s mother to Tug, as if he didn’t have enough to worry about. Jeanie’s parents and Tug were waiting in the waiting room of the mental hospital for Jeanie to wake up.
“You leave him alone,” said Jeanie’s pa.
“I don’t care. It’s all his fault.”
“Don’t pay any mind to her, Tug. Now, listen June, you’re just bein’ crazy!”
“I am not being crazy, it is his fault!”
“But boy and girl break up all the time. It’s a part of nature. It’s not his fault that Jeanie fell too hard in love with him.”
At that moment, the owner of the Cherry Yaker George Baker Mental Hospital, George Baker came out. The mother practically broke her neck running over to him. “Can we see our baby?”
“I’m sorry to tell you,” said George Baker. “But your daughter is very sick. Yeah, she’s real bad. She’s as pale as a sheet. All she’ll say is “Tug, Tug, Tug,” she won’t even speak a word of sense! We think she might have schizophrenia.”
Her mother gasped.
“Made ya gasp. No, she doesn’t have schizophrenia but, honestly I’d just give her a few days to rest. She looks a mess.”
“Can I see her?” Tug asked.
“No, boy. In fact, I encourage you to stay as far away from her as possible.”
“Yeah, well I wasn’t asking for your permission.” And before George Baker could stop him, he ran into room 516, the room Jeanie was in. Then he slowly walked out, dumbfounded.
“She looks absolutely dead.” was all he said.
“I warned ya,” said George Baker.
“Can you give her medicine or a shot?”
“I’ll give you a shot,” George Baker scowled at him. This caught Tug off guard. “Why is everyone mad at me?!” he howled. “I’m not mad at ya, sonny boy,” said Jeanie’s pa. “Yeah, that helps,” Tug muttered.
“Listen, Buddy boy,” said George Baker. “If you want to help Jeanie, stay away from her.” He walked away, glaring at Tug. Jeanie’s mother followed suit. Jeanie’s father took Tug by the shoulders and said “Good luck.” As if that made Tug feel any better!
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX While Jeanie was rotting in the hospital; nobody from school gave her any get well cards or anything of the sort. Everybody was just minding their own business. No one cared. This made Jeanie feel even worse about herself. She had no friends. But gradually, she got to getting up and walking around and feeding herself. On this particular noon, she was lying miserably in bed. Oh, I wish I had some company, Jeanie griped and groaned. Why doesn’t Tug come? She began to cry.
“Shut up!” yelled another patient who was inside that room. She was an old tiny woman. She was not well; she shook violently she made little convulsing noises like a retarded rabbit.
“Can’t you see that we all want to go home? I would rather go home than stay in this hell house. You think I like being cooped up in this retard home filled with crazy people who just stare at the wall or run around like goshdarn animals all day?”
Don’t go yelling at me, Jeanie wanted to say, but she just remained quiet.
“Whassa matter with you?” the old tiny woman demanded. “Can’t ya stand up for yourself?”
“I’m waiting for Tug,” Jeanie said meekly.
“Tug. That your boyfriend?” Jeanie nodded her head. “Well, he ain’t comin’ back. That’s what happens to all of us. Our dearest darling-est family and friends promise to come back and visit us and make us feel at home, when in reality, they think you’re an embarrassment to bring home and they’re gonna leave you here to rot by yourself.”
Jeanie shook her head. “No. My parents aren’t like that. And neither is Tug.” But the old tiny woman kept repeating over and over, “They’re gonna leave you. They’re gonna leave you, you stupid girl. They’re gonna leave you all alone. It’s every man for himself in here.” Jeanie wanted to dig her fingernails into the woman’s neck and say “You don’t know what you’re talkin’ about! Just cuz that happened to you doesn’t mean it’ll happen to me!” She wanted to. So she did. And that got her put in the Advanced Ward with the other advanced psychos. And still no call from Tug or family.
Then came the fam. It was the eve of her 17th birthday and they wanted to wish her it. They came in and shouted “Happy happy birthday, happy birthday to y-oh…..”
Jeanie was dressed in all white. Like the other ward patients wore. She initially refused to wear anything that other people wore in the home. What’s happened to her, her mother wondered. “Jeanie, what’s happened to you? Why’re you wearing those clothes?”
“Because the ward is my family now.” She said bitterly. “They were right all along. You didn’t come and visit me when I was at my loneliest because you didn’t want to mix with the retards.” [She said retards like Dodger from Oliver and Company said “Riff-raff” when Oliver said he wanted to stay with Jenny ("We’re not good enough for you anymore? Don’t wanna mix with the riff-raff?"). Sorry, I'm a Disney geek]
“Jeanie, you stop it!” her mother said coarsely. “It’s just that you’re father and I—
But Jeanie didn’t listen. She cut her off, kind of like her mother did her at the beginning of this story. “You’re too engrossed in your newfound wealth to even pay attention to your only daughter!”
“Cut the crap,” said Jeanie’s sweet little angel of a mother. “You’re just too attention seeking!”
“Is that it? No, I think that you only care about………reputation and wealth! What about me!!?!??? You don’t wanna mix with your psycho of a daughter!! You’re just a good little angel who never associated with anything BAD!!!! You’re a HYPOCRITE!!!!” And before her mother was about to say anything more, Jeanie leaped off of the couch she was sitting on and ran outside, screaming “Je vous deteste, je vous deteste, je vous deteste, je…….” Her parents stared confused at another patient in the room—this time someone closer to her age. His name was Tim. He shrugged. “She’s learned a lot of French here.” He said.
Time passes. The world changes. But not Jeanie.
She was still mad at her parents for abandoning her until her birthday, so she had a small party at the psych ward. After the party, she and Tim started to talk outside and this is how their conversation went.
“What do you have against your parents anyway?” asked Tim over a slice of the ward cook’s birthday pumpkin cake. She was actually a good cook, considering she worked in a ward.
“It’s not me!” she wailed. “Tim, it’s not me. My parents only care about being nice and holy and they don’t even have time for me since I came to this stupid ward!!!”
“I wouldn’t call it stupid,” said the ever-so-calm Timothy. “In fact, this place has given me a whole new perspective on life.”
“That life is wonderful but there are some knuckleheads in the world.” He then proceeded to tell Jeanie about how his roommates were crazy—literally, crazy—and fought over everything in sight, like the last slice of pizza or who gets the top bunk. Jeanie laughed and had a poppin’ time. Then she asked him what had been on her mind for the past 2 weeks. “Why are you even committed to the Cherry Yaker George Baker Mental Hospital? You seem calm enough.” “My parents are just like yours,” he said. “They get so riled up if you do one little thing wrong. My girlfriend left me and I hurled a few things at the wall that maybe I shouldn’t have and my parents committed me to this nuthouse.”
“That’s happened to me!” Jeanie yelped. “I’m here because my boyfriend for whom I care so much for left me. He hasn’t called or nothing. All he wants is sex and I was about to give it to him one time, about to risk my pride, but all Tug wanted was just to keep me quiet. Didn’t want to draw attention, I suppose.”
“Maybe we should hook up,” Tim said. “Since our idiots-of-friends didn’t want us, maybe we should just hook up.” Jeanie thought about it for a while. “I can’t just abandon Tug. He needs me. We’re like 2 peas in a pod. Why, if I didn’t go back to him, he’d…….”
All of a sudden, she started hearing a voice in the back of her head. It was Tug’s voice. The voice said, “I don’t want you, you crazy girl. You’re just an attention-seeker is what you are. You’re no different from my sister. You’re a little bad girl and I don’t want to associate with something so scummy.”
“That’s not true!” She yelled aloud, making Tim nervous. He could’ve sworn that they were the only ones outside! “You’re a little bad girl, why would I want you? If you think I still want you after how ugly you were acting, you’re even crazier than usual. You little bonehead,” the voice repeated. “You ain’t even fit to lick my boots. Now go on home to your ma and pa and leave me alone!”
“Never!” Jeanie cried aloud, this time frightening Tim. “You said that we’d never break up! I can't live without you!”
“Can’t you see that I’m trying to break up with you, you crazy brat? I’m trying to get away from you, you foolish little monster. My parents used to love me until you came along. Now all they’re on your side all the time. Go away, I don’t want you. Go away, I don’t want you, leave me alone, you crazy girl…….” The voice faded from her head. Then, she came to and saw Tim looking at her as if she’d lost her mind. “Sorry,” Jeanie said sheepishly. “I get these episodes……”
“Maybe you do belong at this ward!” Tim said, backing up.
“No, Tim, it’s not what you think…….” But Tim was ran inside faster that a rabbit on a hot greasy griddle in the middle of August with a......Jeanie was starting to get mad. Why couldn’t she talk to anyone? She had feelings. She got lonely. Why did no one want to talk to her?! But then, Tim returned, this time laughing.
“Did….did…..” he was laughing too hard to get the words out. Jeanie just stared at him, shocked. Finally, he stopped laughing and barely got his words out. “Did you see the look on your face? You were all “Ah!”” he mimicked her facial expression.
“So you’re not leaving me?” she asked.
“Nope. I’ve seen worse. My roommates foam at the mouth and kick and thrash about when they go to sleep. They hurl things at the walls. They stomp on the flower bed in the garden. You’ll have to try harder than that.”
Jeanie was thrilled! She’d finally made a friend in this forsaken ward. Maybe Cherry Yaker George Baker Mental Hospital wasn’t that bad after all!
Two months later and Jeanie, Tim and the rest of psych ward patients were allowed to go home. Except the tiny old woman who yelled at Jeanie, she had to stay an extra month.
Jeanie had her future planned now. She was going to flee their hopeless town and move to Montana. She was going to elope……..with Tim! Yes, Jeanie’s made up her mind. Tug had been no good for her. He hadn’t noticed her when she went bad, he hadn’t noticed her when she went mad, or any of the other times. Tim wasn’t like this, so she was eloping with him. And maybe she’d take an online course in computer repair and get a degree and have two kids, one boy and one girl! Penny wasn’t the only one who could dream…….
Jeanie didn’t even say goodbye to her parents—for all she cared they could rot in a watery grave. She didn’t care if her mother was crying, that was all more reason for Jeanie to get madder at her. She popped her bus ticket in her pocket and Tim did the same. They were going to take as many buses as it took to get to Montana. They were going to go as rogues.
They slipped into a city bus at around 6 in the morning.
The bus wasn’t bad actually. It had seatbelts. It didn’t smell as bad as her mother tried to convince her. It had polished windows and TV sets. As they drove off to an opening in Kentucky, something caught Jeanie’s eye. She turned around—she had been right! Flaskin Bobbins was coming out with a new flavor of ice cream! Jeanie tore out of the bus. Montana could wait for a deliciously ice crisp cold lemonade sorbet on this hot day. She was in the middle of the street when Tim called from the bus “Jeanie, look out!” Jeanie turned around and saw a monster truck coming towards her, playing that jingle trucks will play when they see a person standing in their way. BAMMM!!!!! Pitch blackness…….
“Jeanie? Jeanie? Jeanie!”
Jeanie opened her eyes. She looked around. Fricking darn it, she thought. I’m in a hospital again. Every 7 seconds of my life I’m in some sort of hospital. Tim was crouching next to her. “Phew!!” he said loud and obnoxiously, wiping his brow. “I thought you were DEAD!” Next to him, he saw a blonde teenage girl with ruined mascara flowing down her cheeks. “I am like, sooooooo sorry! My parents told me not to take the monster truck out of the garage…….I should’ve listened.”
It took a minute for Jeanie to process who this girl was. Then, she remembered. She was the reason for her being in a hospital bed. Jeanie raised her arm and was about to strike the bimbo, but her arm was in a cast. And it hurt to move. “OW!!!!” Jeanie cried.
“Look, don’t yell at me, okay? I’ve had it hard enough as it is. What if you sue me? You won’t sue me will you?”
Sue you? Jeanie thought. More like boo you. If it weren’t for this girl, Jeanie wouldn’t be in a full body cast. Jeanie couldn’t even move her legs! They only things she could move were her eyes and her mouth. With all her strength, she mustered up the words: “Go away,” she told the girl. “Okay.” The blonde teenage girl sauntered out, guiltily.
Aargh, Jeanie growled in her head. Why was this always happening to her? In her fit of self-loathing, a woman who was dressed in clean and fancy clothes came in, said “The nurse will see you now,” and walked out. Then, the nurse came in. And it was Tug she saw!!! TUG WAS HER NURSE??? WHAT ABOUT all that about fixing trains? Tug and Jeanie just stared at each other for a long period of time. When Tim caught sight of this silent epiphany he said “Akwarrrrd, I’m just gonna leave you two alone,” and ran out.
Jeanie looked at Tug. Tug looked at Jeanie. “You’re a nurse?” Jeanie asked him. “But I thought you were going to fix trains. What happened to all that about “I’m Gonna Get You To Fix Trains, me boy, trust me!” She said in her best impression of his father. She then quickly looked around, to make sure that for some crazy reason he had not shown up.
Tug laughed. “I know. But it’s what I want that counts. So I dropped him like a hot potato.” He said potato like Po-tah-to.
“You’re not going to amputate my arms and legs are you?” Jeanie worried. “Relax, my girl. I’m just going to give you a little of this here sedative…..”
Jeanie’s eyes bulged. She hadn’t been given a sedative since she was 5 year old and it was not a pleasant experience. She went under and she revealed her most personal secrets, not to mention she went loopy and ran into walls all day like a drunk dog. Her words, not mine.
Why would Tug give her such a horrible thing? She asked him and he said, “I don’t make the rules. But don’t worry. You can’t move what with your injury and all.” Oh, thought Jeanie. Then, he went to get her a cup of water so she wouldn’t have to swallow the pill dry. As he did this, Jeanie asked him: “So, Tuggy my boy…….Do you have a girlfriend?” Tug paused. “I’m married,” he said. Jeanie couldn’t believe it! She fainted in her exhaustion and confusion. When she came to, Tug was just staring at her. “Are you alright?”
“Peachy keen. I just thought you said you were married.”
“I am.” Jeanie made a weird convulsing noise that kind of sounded like fhuf-fuf-fuf and she was about to faint again, but Tug shook her by the shoulders and cried “Don’t faint again!” “But I just can’t believe it! I can’t believe it! I don’t believe it! I won’t believe it!” “Listen, I don’t need for you to believe it, so I just won’t talk about it anymore. Now open wide.”
He got ready to put the monster pill in her tiny, clenched mouth.
“NO!!!!” she cried. “DIDN’T YA LOVE ME AT ALL?!?! DON’T YOU KNOW HOW MUCH PAIN YOU CAUSED????? MAYBE YOU ARE A SLEAZEBAG!!!!!”
Tug hung his head. “I know. I am a dirty rotten sleazebag.”
“Forgot slimy!” Jeanie added. Tug narrowed his eyes. “Well, you weren’t just a basket of fruit, yourself! I loved you but sometimes you got too…….”
“Over-caring?” Jeanie asked smugly.
“Over bearing! You couldn’t trust me alone with a girl without getting on me a second later.”
“B-b-but girls are vicious! I thought she might’ve maimed or wounded you! Some appreciation for all the thought I give.”
“Nope, face it. You wouldn’t want to jeopardize your popularity by breaking up with an uber popular quarterback like me.”
“I don’t care about that. I care about you. I want you!”
“And also that. You care too much about my approval that you don’t even have your own pride.”
“I don’t need my pride. I don’t need anything. I need—“
She stopped herself. Tug raised an eyebrow. “God,” she quickly filled in. “I think we should be just friends,” he said.
Jeanie was about to respond, but at that moment Tug shoved the sedative in her mouth. She was about to argue, but she wondered, why? Isn’t this what she wanted? To run away with her new love Tim? Isn’t that the way the nursery song goes? Make new friends, but keep your old ones, one is bronze and then the other’s gold. Or at least that’s how she thought it went. She decided to let Tug just be Tug and let him get on with his new life as a nurse. And Jeanie would get on with her new life! She could feel the pain of the pill in the back of her throat. Jeanie just let it drift her off to sleep.
Jeanie- Jeanie’s alright, actually. She works at a flower shop even though she is allergic to daisies. She calls Tug every day, but she doesn’t have to keep this a secret from Tim. Tug is a member of the new family (They have 2 girls)! Jeanie never ate Flaskin Bobbins again.
Tug- Tug’s doin’ just great. He’s a very successful nurse and he’s starred in his own commercial!
Penny- As much as Penny was a good girl, things just were not going her way. Her parents disowned her as soon as they found out that her new boyfriend was a thief. But of course, she didn’t know this. So she reverted back to her bad girl-ness and ran away with him to Hollywood to become superstars! But they supersuck.
Until next time, Readers! That’s all yolks!