L is for Loser | Teen Ink

L is for Loser

May 1, 2019
By Nicole954 BRONZE, Lenexa, Kansas
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Nicole954 BRONZE, Lenexa, Kansas
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“Okay so, I’m getting up at six tomorrow morning to shoot another dance video for y’all. That’s how much I like you guys, you're worth getting up at six in morning .” Pause for three seconds of awkward silence. “Well tune in tomorrow for the new dance video, I hope. Please like, comment, and subscribe. This has been Harper L, bye y'all.”
I leaned forward and turned my camera off slumping into my fortress of pillows that made up the surface of my bed. The pink fur pillow fell off with the force of the winky face emoji bumping into it. My eyes scrolled and then landed on the two odd wood planks in my ceiling. While the majority of my attic bedroom had a light maple wood paneling, there were two planks that were a darker oak. My eyes had traced over this difference nearly every night since moving in three years ago. Living in the ‘used to be’ attic had its perks like having no one being able to truly hear you so you start a secret YouTube channel. There was also a narrow staircase that separated my room from my younger brother, Jonah.
“Harper, dinner in five,” he yelled from the base of the stairs.
“Okay.”
My body didn’t want to leave the comfortability that was my mound of pillows, but the desire for food won out.
My feet padded down the carpeted stairs until my head nearly met the marshmallow, white door that separated myself from the rest of the family. About ninety percent of the time this door was closed, but I always managed to almost run into it. I pushed the door open as the smell of bacon seeped through the cracks of the doorframe. Yup, bacon wrapped hotdogs for dinner, one of my all time favorites.
“Harp can you grab some forks?” Dad asked while putting the last plate on the table. I sat down a moment later with four forks in hand. While I put forks on the table, Mom placed a vase of snow white flowers in the center of the table.
“We need some spring in here if we can’t have any out there,” she said nodding towards the window that showed a thin layer of snow on the ground.
“It’s the start of spring today not winter. There shouldn’t be snow on the ground,” Jonah complained, but with full rights to.
“Agreed,” Dad and I said almost in perfect timing.
“We live in Kansas. We can have all four seasons in the matter of a week,” I said stuffing half a hotdog into my mouth.
“But still.” Jonah could complain about something 24/7 if my parents let him.
“Eat child,” Mom agitatedly said. Nothing more was said for a while. We enjoyed the food until there was a que to leave. When dad was done eating was always a safe bet to leave. He was practically done so Jonah and I stood to put our plates in the sink.
“Wait.” We quickly sat back down. “Remember Jonah you have to be at school by seven to get your grade up and Harper you have to get him there, so go to bed at a reasonable time.”
“Yes Dad!” Jonah and I said in harmony. The grin on my father’s face was hilarious since he knew his request was not going to be followed. Jonah would end up playing video games till at least midnight. I planned on only staying up till eleven to edit and upload the video I just made, but we’ll see how that goes.


Remember the words you told me love me till the day I die . . . sang 5 Seconds of Summer as my alarm went off at six in the morning. Hitting the off button on my phone my body rolled out of bed and slowly started getting ready. I threw on leggings and a light, flowy tank top then put my hair into a ballerina bun and brushed my teeth. Following a makeup tutorial from YouTube I dolled myself up for the day.
6:30 read the clock on the microwave as I warmed up hashbrowns for Jonah and I to eat in the car. That child better not have stayed up till 2:00 am playing video games. I slid over to the freezer and grabbed a Hot Pocket to put it in my lunchbox. Beep beep beep, the microwave went off, 6:32. I finally started hearing noises from his bedroom. I swear that kid is out to get me. I have to get to school and if he doesn’t come down he won’t have a ride. My foot and the floor were almost like a drum set as I leaned against the counter scarfing down the hash brown then deciding that I’ll eat the other one as well 6:41 thump, thump, thump, Jonah ran down the stairs throwing on his backpack.
“Let’s go.” I tossed him a granola bar and walked to the door before he even had a shoe on.
“Hold on Harp I’ve got to get shoes.”
“Not my problem. Hurry up.” I walked out the front door, letting it slam shut behind me, and began walking towards my car in the driveway. My grey 2016 Jeep Wrangler sat there in its full glory. I sat down on the black leather seat, which was fairly cold, as I started the car. Not even thirty seconds later Jonah comes running out, 6:43 read the car clock, he hopped in and we were off before he had a seatbelt on.
“Why you in such a rush?”
“I have to be at school in the auditorium at seven and we live fourteen minutes from campus.”
“Oh, well . . .”
“Don’t try. I’m not in the mood.” I was stressed and pissed as I drove as fast, as legally possible.

The suburban houses faded off into the distance as we sped into the developed part of Alice county. Office buildings and hospitals passed by in the windows and soon we saw the skyline meet with two roads, Alice Avenue and 38th street, almost there, almost there. Just on the outskirts of the developed town sat the school. Turning into the Arrow Heart Academy parking lot off of 38th street the car found a parking spot three rows back from the main entrance, 6:57. Three minutes. I put the car in park and jumped out and started fast walking, so I wouldn’t look weird, towards the main entrance.
“You’re ridiculous!” Jonah yelled as he ran past me. Out of pure competitiveness I began to run, which was pointless since we were going to two seperate locations in the school. We got through the window and metal framed double doors and turned in opposite directions, Jonah towards the locker rooms to eventually end up in the gym and myself toward the auditorium.
“Harper you’re . . . I guess right on time,” my best friend Luke said as I came sprinting in. Yup, 7:00 right on time.
“You ready to make this video?” my other friend Aaron asked.
“You bet. I’m ready to go viral.” Luke and Aaron were two of the three people that know about my YouTube channel and they love helping me make videos. The third person who new was our other friend Ella. Who was suppose to also be here.
“Hey where's Ella?”
“She should be here any minute now.” Luke said calmly. We spent probably five minutes on Snapchat before she turned up.
“I’m here, don’t start the production without me!” Ella screamed running through the doors at precisely 7:06 with a cardboard box in her arms. “I brought donuts if that makes up for it.”
“Donuts fix everything.” And with that the boys scarfed down three donuts each in the matter of a few minutes.
“You want one Harp?” El asked.
“Nah if I do I’ll have to run it off and I don’t feel like running today.”
“Okay then, y’all ready to get this thing rollin.” And like that we started the process.
I got up on the stage and let the magic of creativity and the idea I had the other day run through me and into the fancy camera Aaron was holding. He always had a knack with cameras and could get the perfect angle to make every side of you be your good side.
The music played all around me and I let it take over all I was doing. The choreography that Ella came up with and taught me was amazing and easily flowed with the music so I could get lost in the emotions. Ella had a talent for choreographing something in her head that she couldn’t personally do, but I could, and so she would have me do choreography to live out the dances that she created. That’s how my YouTube channel started, but now there is a bit more of a variety to the content that I put out. It time for the front ariel and into the finish and . . .
“That was great Harper. I couldn’t have pictured it better than that.” That means I nailed the ending.
“How does it look on camera Aaron?”
“You look great and the lighting is fantastic. I’d like to do it one more time from a different angle though, so Luke can piece together a viral worthy video.”
“Will do.” So one more time my body and mind got lost in the dance and the pleasing of a camera.
“It’s 7:42 we should probably get out of here before someone comes in.” Luke warned. “I’ll get this edited and posted to your channel no later than the end of fourth hour.”
“How are you going to do that?”
“Easy, pay attention in first hour, and then not pay attention second through fourth.” We all laughed and headed out of the auditorium into the main lobby. Straight across the square of tile flooring were the doors to the gym wide open for anyone to see. Those who would see would get a sight of middle school boys working out either for extra credit or because they got a detention from Coach G. Jonah was in the extra credit group since his grade had been slipping. The funny thing was that Coach G never said who was there for what, so the entire time you were left wondering.
Turning the corner towards the pods of classrooms the warning bell rang, 7:45, class started in five minutes for secondary school. Middle school and high school classrooms were on the second floor while elementary or primary was on the main floor. Actual class didn’t start till eight for the primary school. Running up the stairs two steps at a time I finally got into my English class right as the bell rang.
Class was so boring; only like three people out of the twenty of us paid attention. Personal Finance wasn’t too bad and then History was pure hell. Learning about World War II and concentration camps was depressing and extremely long.Ten minutes before History was over I got a text from Luke: Here’s what I got. Anything need to be added or fixed?.
Watching the video I was able to see small corrections in the dance moves, but Luke couldn’t fix that.. Fix this one transition and then get it posted, thx. At 10:05 the bell rang to head to fourth hour. Walking into the math room I got a notification that the video had been posted. Luke probably hasn’t paid attention to any class today, but that’s fine it's not like I’m his teacher.
“Hey Harper.” The crew was back together after three hours apart.
“I just posted the video.”
“I got the notification. Now we wait and see.”
Everyone in class was talking and none of them stopped until the bell rang but even after that the group of arrogant boys in the back continued their conversation about how they had stayed up till four in the morning playing Fortnite. They did finally shut up when they heard a croaky male voice right outside the classroom door that sounded like one of the assistant principals.
Everybody breathed a sigh of relief when a substitute walked in and not the assistant principal, nor our regular teacher. “Good mornin’ students, your teacher is sick so I will be your teacher until he is able to return,” the sub spoke.
Everyone celebrated since no one liked our regular math teacher until the sub finally spoke again.
“Alright let’s take roll and I like to know names, so tell me if you go by something different then what I have here,” the mouse on the desk clicked “Jace Abram?”
“Here.”
“Ella Brown?”
“Here.” The study rhythm and repetition brought me fully back to reality and right on time, “Harper Laurent?” my name echoed. “Why do you look familiar?” the sub spoke. “Did you do a dance cover to You Say by Lauren Daigle?”

That’s the video we just did this morning  it’s been up for not even five minutes how could he have already seen it.

“Yeah that’s me. You’ve already seen the possible?”

“I’m logged into my daughter’s YouTube account and there was a notification for it so I watched it as I walked up here.” This wasn’t happening. Why did I say yes. The algorithm doesn’t usually work this well if at all.

Like flies to honey nearly everybody in class looked up the video and watching it and I had a front row seat to all of their reactions. Where girls found it awesome and most of the guys were clearly not impressed by the dance. The group in the back though had their own reactions.

“You're such a loser, you think this is dancing, fat cow, I’d bang that ass . . .” and other more explicit comments were said from them. Aaron and Luke immediately stood up to throw hands and knock some heads in, but the sub sent the group of boys out into the hall before they could.

My phone started buzzing like crazy with notifications and tags from people reposting the video. All but five minutes later I get a text from Jonah, Why didn’t you tell me you had a YouTube Channel? This is dope. You’re finally cool. I’m the brother of a YouTuber. Do mom and dad know? This was a lot. My phone vibrated in my hand and then again and again and again. Flicking the switch I turned it off, this was a lot. Without any particular beat my leg began tapping the floor violently. Every muscle was no longer connected to my brain. As if I had been out in below sub weather my body began to shake. Elephant, why is there an elephant on my chest? Two by two the walls came in. Breathing became harder and darkness began to splutter my vision.

“Harper? Harper breathe.” Aaron’s voice was distant, yet soothing. “Follow my breathing, okay.” I barely nodded in agreement. “In on one, two, three. Out on one, two, three . . .” This repeated for a minute or two. “You back?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m back. Just got overwhelmed there for a sec.” The remainder of class was simply matrices and mind games to stay focused. I don’t need another matrix to distract me I need a bell to say I am free for lunch and hince a chance to breath and not be confined. Please bell ring, but the more I pleaded the slower time went. This period had become the longest forty minutes I’d ever spent in school. Ring rings, the bell sounded. 10:50:  lunch and a chance to breathe.

All of my hopes of breathing were washed away the second we reached the cafeteria. We didn’t even enter, for I was mobbed at the door by 360 high schoolers that were somehow more fond of me than food for once.

“Hey Harper! Shout out my Instagram! Be my friend!” and many more were shouted as Aaron and Luke helped guide me through the crowd.

“BACK AWAY AND STOP SHOUTING! Let her be.” Was amplified by our assistant principal through a megaphone to calm down the mass of highschoolers. Eventually our bodies made it through the crowd and found there way to a table in the back corner of the cafeteria where we normally sat, but this time with all eyes on us. We were gazelles and they were the lions.

“I’ll go get food for us. What do y’all want?” Luke offered.

“An uncrustable” Aaron requested.

“Same.” Ella agreed.

“What about you Harper?”

“No thanks. I’m not that hungry.” They all gave me that mother look, but didn’t question it. Luke came back a couple minutes later with three uncrustables and four bottles of water. My phone sat turned off in front of, waiting to be turned back on.

“You should at least text your brother back and finally tell your parents.” Aaron tried to reason.

“I’ll text Jonah. This is something I should probably tell my parents in person if they haven’t already found out.” Turning my phone on I was blasted with countless notifications. I have been tagged in over 1,000 Instagram posts, I’ve been shared over 10,000 times on Facebook,  and have been mentioned on twitter over 6,000 times. I also had texts from relatives and two that stuck out read Mom and Dad. I’m dead. First things first though, text Jonah. Yeah, I’ve had the channel for a little bit. It’s not that big of a deal. Mom and Dad just texted me and I’m scared to look. Wish me luck. That one was easy my parents probably weren’t going to be. Let’s do Dad first.

His text read “Why didn’t you mention you started a YouTube channel? I would’ve been supportive.” Yay, he wasn’t mad. I thought you wouldn’t have been  . . . but yeah. So you’re not mad? I had to make sure.

Now mom, hers read “I’m proud and mad at the same time. Why didn’t you tell me? We are talking when you get home.” That isn’t as bad as it could’ve be. I thought you wouldn’t be supportive and yeah. What am I supposed to respond with. Their reactions aren’t as bad as they could've been.

The loudness of the chatter slowly turned into a basic humm of noise that never left c flat. The world became numb as I finally relaxed knowing that my parents weren’t too mad. C flat was eventually interrupted by the rythmic A sharp bell. All four sets of our eyes craned and became glued to the double doors that allowed children access to food. Middle schoolers started filing in through the worn out white double doors. Since Arrow Heart Academy was a larger private school they split lunch in half, one half for eating and the other as a study hall. We slowly started counting the navy blue and red tiles to the library for study hall. Sixty - seven, sixty - eight, sixty - nine and another set of worn out white double doors opened to accommodate all 90 juniors.
“So what were your parents reactions?” Aaron asked and their attention snapped back to me.
“They both questioned why I didn’t tell them from the beginning. My mom wants to talk when I get home. But they both seem to be slightly supportive of the concept.” They nodded and began working on homework.
Just like a dance my body simply went through all the motions for the rest of the school day. Mindlessly sitting through physics and bible, then putting in concentrated effort in drawing and orchestra. You could ask me what I did today and I wouldn’t be able to give any sort of answer other then “stuff”. That’s how numb I became to the day that I had had. While strumming the last note to “I See the Light” from Tangled in orchestra the bell rang dismissing my numb body from the building. It took a maximum of thirty seconds for myself to leave the building. For 3:01 in the afternoon in spring it seemed more like 6 o'clock in the evening in the dead of winter. A spell of breath left everyone when they looked to the sky and saw a twenty shades of grey version of Starry Night.
Sliding into my car posture no longer mattered and all my emotions took hold of my body. Frigid hands buckled my seat belt and a pitter patter began onto the windshield and down my face. I didn’t even notice the passengers side door open until a warm hand patted mine.
“I can’t legally drive so calm down unless you want me to break the law and drive. I have plenty of experience through Mario Kart.”
“ Haha.” Could be heard beneath the tears. “No, I’ll drive. Just give me a sec.”
“I really will drive if you want me.” Jonah was grinning and trying to get me to laugh again.
“Your 13 that is way too illegal.”
“So if I was 14 then you would let me?” He asked with curiosity and sincerity.
“Hahaha.” Genuine laughter was finally escaping. “I would think, hahaha, about it longer, but I would hope my sense of logic would be intact.” We were both laughing knowing that it was accurate.
“Alright, you read to go now?” Putting the car into reverse I gave a simple yeah.
Jonah made jokes and puns all the way back home about anything and everything. His food puns that he quoted from his friends during lunch definitely put smiles on my face. “I don’t carrot all” and “ I value our friend - chip” were honestly creative and when combined had me laughing for a solid minute. Pulling into our driveway we saw our neighbor’s Hybrid slide down our street and Jonah made one last pun, “Whatcha doin Hybrid? . . . Nothin’ Just the electric slide.” He had a way to make you laugh and used it to his full liking.
Hopping out of the car my body instantly became a sponge to the rain, I was soaking wet. Jonah was a little smarter and instantly bolted to the front door while I trailed just seconds behind him. His attempt at speed didn’t keep him any less dry just more out of breath. We took off our shoes knowing that we’d be yelled at if we didn’t. Jonah ran down the hall to his room and I followed but took a sharp left into the doorway beside his that lead to my attic bedroom. I tore off my ocean filled clothes and threw them into my bathtub and tossed on a pair of sweats and a baggy t- shirt. As I finished taking my makeup off I heard the rumble of the garage door and knew that one or both of my parents were home and I would have to face them. The smart thing would've been to just walk down there, but my anxiety had other plans and my butt sat down at the top of the stairs waiting for a que to go down. The rumble sounded again and then a loud sigh followed along with the bang of a briefcase onto the floor, Dad.
“Okay.” I heard him murmur before straining his voice. “Harper come down here please.” That was my que and I took it. There was no need to try and deny my fate of a possible grounding or lecture.
“Yes Dad.”
“Alright let's just get the basics out of the way. One the internet is dangerous. Two, you are seventeen and people will try to hurt you whether with comments or by some other force. Three, please don’t be stupid I know you’re a smart girl, but still.” He took a breath. “And lastly, I will support this creative thing you have through YouTube as long as it doesn’t interfere with school to much. Yet I still need you to be careful.” His arms engulfed me as he finished then let go knowing the bubble that I emphasized a lot.
“ Wait you’re not going to ground her?” Jonah chimed in.
“I might.” Mom said as the garage door closed behind her. Dad’s lecture was such a priority that I didn’t even hear it originally open.
“ Hi Mom.” I said walking in the direction of my room.
“Hold it. I have one question that will determine if your grounded or not.” That held my attention and I turned around. “When were you planning on telling us about the YouTube channel?” Oh boy.
“Well . . . um. I was considering telling you once I hit 10,000 subscribers since before today I had about 6,400.” That was for the most part true. I once thought I would tell them at 100 subscribers then that changed to a 1,000 then 5,000 and it had been 10,000 for about two weeks now.
“Okay then.” Dad was being super chill.
“So I’m not grounded?”
“No, but your next video your dad and I have to star in.”
“I’m not sure what y’all can do in a video, but sure.”

“Hey guys and welcome back to my channel. My name is Harper and today we are doing the who knows me better challenge featuring, my mom and dad. Hopefully they know me and if not I’m disowning them as parents. So let’s get started.” This was the simplest way to have both my parents in a video and have them not embarrass me too much. “Okay let’s start easy, what is my . . . favorite color?” Mom’s clap was heard first.
“Purple.” She said with extreme confidence.
“And you are correct.” This continued for eight more questions. Dad knew every answer involving music which was three and knew my dream car. Mom knew the basics and school stuff. It came down to the last question. “Alright. Dad you have a chance to tie but if Mom gets it then she wins. The last question is the hardest. When did I start this YouTube channel?” Mom clapped.
“At the beginning of the school year?”
“No. Dad you’re up.”
“Um, Halloween? I don’t know, you never told us the specifics.”
“Okay so, I’m going to give the point to dad because he was closest. The first upload was at the beginning of last October. But that means you two are tied.” I quickly looked towards the pictures on the living room walls to think of one more question. “Got it. For the tie breaker the final question. Who is . . . your favorite child?” The correct answer is obviously me. Dad whistled.
“You are my favorite daughter.” His response was valid enough.
“Mom you’re too slow because . . . Dad is our winner. Dad you officially know me better, how does it feel?”
“Amazing. I have been prepping for this for the past 17 years. All of my hard work has paid off.” He was a natural in front of the camera, he was performing, but not over exaggerating. He had the potential of making another comeback on the channel. Mom not so mush, she took everything a bit too seriously.
“Well thanks for watching. Please remember to like, comment, and subscribe. This has been Harper L . . . Bye.”
“L is for Loser!” Jonah screamed off camera, and I laughed before hitting the record button to stop the video. “I hope that makes the edit.”
“Jokes on you I edit these types of videos not Luke.” His smile faded, but not for long. That kid could only remain down for a minute at max before laughing and making puns. I quickly got to editing so I could get the video up by the end of the day. Lighting, sound, and weird pauses along with inserting the intro video were all done. It got down to cutting out Jonah’s outburst and my eyelids were falling faster and remaining up shorter, so the executive decision was made to leave it in. One final click of, upload, and it was finished. So what if people hear my brother L is for loser and I come from a family of them.



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